Also, we have a shared cell phone account in her name. We don't get detailed billing, but I can look up call records online. And I have checked all the way back to October and don't see anything unusual.
Texts are a different though. I can only see the number of texts delivered. So what I do is keep an count of the number of texts and compare that with the texts she sends me. The count may be off by 1 or 2 a week. And when the number are way off (more than say, 5), she'll usually say something like "I got a text from my mom today". Could she be lying? Possibly. But she doesn't know that I am checking. So it doesn't make sense.
Also, we have a shared cell phone account in her name. We don't get detailed billing, but I can look up call records online. And I have checked all the way back to October and don't see anything unusual.
Texts are a different though. I can only see the number of texts delivered. So what I do is keep an count of the number of texts and compare that with the texts she sends me. The count may be off by 1 or 2 a week. And when the number are way off (more than say, 5), she'll usually say something like "I got a text from my mom today". Could she be lying? Possibly. But she doesn't know that I am checking. So it doesn't make sense.
Good deal -- I'm glad you're checking. She could however be texting internally thru another app (ex.: you can text with people you're playing with in Words With Friends), and it's also very typical that cheating spouses have 2nd "affair phones" (usually prepaid). Just keep your eyes and ears open; of all the things you reported to us it was the "suddenly treating the kids very coldly" thing that jumped out the most.
Can I ask you a personal question? Are you guys still ML? If so, does she kiss you on the lips? Does she kiss you on the lips even OUTSIDE of making love?
You can look for some apps on her phone. Snapchat is one. And Kik. There are also free texting apps. Not to make you feel too overwhelmed, but my D17 was telling me about an app that looks like a calculator and is even titled "calculator." The user opens in, plugs in four numbers and hits =. That's the passcode to get in.
Ridiculous.
My H and XOW were using Snapchat a lot. I didn't even realize it was on his phone. Then they started using a free texting app.
As long as your eyes are open, you'll find what you need.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Also, we have a shared cell phone account in her name. We don't get detailed billing, but I can look up call records online. And I have checked all the way back to October and don't see anything unusual.
Texts are a different though. I can only see the number of texts delivered. So what I do is keep an count of the number of texts and compare that with the texts she sends me. The count may be off by 1 or 2 a week. And when the number are way off (more than say, 5), she'll usually say something like "I got a text from my mom today". Could she be lying? Possibly. But she doesn't know that I am checking. So it doesn't make sense.
Good deal -- I'm glad you're checking. She could however be texting internally thru another app (ex.: you can text with people you're playing with in Words With Friends), and it's also very typical that cheating spouses have 2nd "affair phones" (usually prepaid). Just keep your eyes and ears open; of all the things you reported to us it was the "suddenly treating the kids very coldly" thing that jumped out the most.
Can I ask you a personal question? Are you guys still ML? If so, does she kiss you on the lips? Does she kiss you on the lips even OUTSIDE of making love?
Starsky
We haven't been intimate since BD2 (December).
I should also say that our sex life up to that point had been boring. Between BD1 and BD2 I tried to do things to spice it up (massages, flirting, pecks on her neck, etc.) But she was turning cold then.
She could have a "burner" phone, but again she hides it well.
I should also say that our sex life up to that point had been boring. Between BD1 and BD2 I tried to do things to spice it up (massages, flirting, pecks on her neck, etc.) But she was turning cold then.
This is very typical. A woman, especially, will (as sick as it sounds) feel like she's CHEATING on her OM if she makes love to her own husband. Or they will have sex, but won't kiss their husband on the mouth (I've never seen this with men, but very typical with women .. kissing is a high form of intimacy to them).
Whatever she's doing, she's probably doing 5x more of it during the day. That's where I would focus my efforts, but only SECONDARY to your own self-improvements.
You can look for some apps on her phone. Snapchat is one. And Kik. There are also free texting apps. Not to make you feel too overwhelmed, but my D17 was telling me about an app that looks like a calculator and is even titled "calculator." The user opens in, plugs in four numbers and hits =. That's the passcode to get in.
Ridiculous.
My H and XOW were using Snapchat a lot. I didn't even realize it was on his phone. Then they started using a free texting app.
As long as your eyes are open, you'll find what you need.
The problem is that I have VERY limited access to her phone. And I have to be extremely sneaky when doing it. I don't want her to start using a pass code on it. For example, last night she finally forgot to take it to the shower with her, so I had about 15 minutes. BUT I had to keep checking to make sure she didn't exit the bathroom unexpectedly and the phone was in her room. So if she caught me in there the game would be up. So I'd take a minute to check it, bail, listen to the noise in the bathroom, and check again.
I try to check the background apps she leaves running and her web browsing history. The apps on the main screens are the usual ones.
I'll tell you my own story on this subject, since it's on-topic right now. Again, from my own archives:
“A Wayward Will Eventually Let Their Guard Down”:
My wife also kept wiping her cellphone -- call log and TMs -- a couple of times every day, and also kept the phone with her (or near her) 24/7, it seemed.
I also noticed, that NOW THAT SHE FELT CONFIDENT THAT SHE HAD IT WITH HER ALL THE TIME, she no longer locked it.
So I began to study her habits/patterns every day. And I noticed that every morning, she woke up before I did, came downstairs, put on her shoes, and went outside to get the paper (we were sleeping in separate rooms at this time, me in the master BR and her upstairs in our daughter's old room).
I also noticed (made a beeline/"dry run" up there one morning when she went out to get the paper) that she kept her phone up there after she woke up, near her "bed" (a sleeping bag on the furniture-less room floor), charging, and UNLOCKED.
I quickly set the phone back down where I had found it, and slipped downstairs back into my bed. But I had my plan.
I went online and got a .pdf of her cellphone instructions, as I knew I wouldn't have much time with it, and would have to use that time quickly and wisely, and couldn't afford to be stumbling around with the buttons (I was totally unfamiliar with her phone). I studied the owners manual until I knew the navigation for call log and especially TEXT MESSAGES, frontwards and back. I waited for my opportunity, making sure to begin CLOSING MY BEDROOM DOOR EVERY NIGHT WHEN I WENT TO BED (I hadn't previously; had left it open a crack).
This I did for a week or two.
One morning, after a night where she had gone to bed early and I KNEW she was text messaging up there in her room, I pretended like I was asleep, and waited for her to go out and get the newspaper. When she did, I bolted up out of bed, left my bedroom, and shut the door the way behind me. I ran upstairs, went into her bedroom, and quietly closed the door behind me. There, next to her sleeping bag, was her cellphone, unlocked.
I spent the next 5 minutes looking at more than I needed to know, or that I wanted to see. Lots of "ILYs" and "no one does it for me like you do's" (this after she claimed the affair was over, and they were "just friends" again). Made sure to check both a few Sent Items and a few INbox, to make sure this wasn't a one-sided affair.
It wasn't.
I laid the phone back down, and came out of her bedroom and into our upstairs game room, and just went on the family computer for about 10-15 minutes. She was now downstairs, reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, just as she always did.
After awhile, I came down the stairs, and gave her a cheery "G'morning!"
She looked like she had seen a ghost, and the poor girl probably wet herself.
"W-w-what are you doing up?" she stammered.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep -- just went on the computer for a little bit," I answered.
"What's wrong with your laptop?" she asked, worried. (I rarely used the family computer upstairs)
"Oh, nothing," I purposely said briefly. "I"m gonna get in the shower; you need anything out of there?"
"No," she said, obviously worried shitless.
I knew all I needed to know, and it was GOOD that I knew it, because no more than 4-5 days later, she tried to gaslight me about not having any feelings for this OM. At that point, I said "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now. I saw your text messages the other morning, so you can sell that to someone who's buying."
'Nads, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, and your family. In fact, I would claim that you have a moral imperative to do so.
I just joined here recently myself. I have been dealing with this stuff in the wrong way for quite awhile. I am definitely no expert. I did alot of snooping on my wife when she started acting funny. I know I made it worse, but it was so hard. I have felt so much better the past couple months since I stopped snooping and just started working on myself. One of the best things I read was from someone else that said he acted as if he was living his own life with out his spouse. I just started accepting the fact that if she is going to cheat, she is going to cheat and I have no control over that. She will have to answer to God for that and her kids if they found out. I have felt so much better since I quit snooping. My relationship has improved a ton. I have been able to work on myself and my confidence has come back. I decided that I really want my marriage to work, but I want to become the man that my wife would want to be with. I am working hard at becoming the type of man I want to be. I have never been a snooping man in the past. I guess I have decided that if I can become the man I want to be in my marriage and she still leaves or cheats, it is her loss and someone else's gain. Eventually the truth always comes out. At least since I have been making these changes in myself, it has gotten her attention. Now she has something to really think about. Snooping was also feeding my negative thoughts of my wife and made me feel less confident about myself. I pray everyday for God to give me strength and to help me with the hurt. He is definitely helping me. Not sure if anything I said helps, but I wanted you to know that I am in the same boat. Still just rowing along!! LOL!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thats some good stuff! I thought I was being covert by waiting for the shower to start.
Joe,
I never snooped before either. It's her bizarre behavior that has me wondering. And I'd like to know what I am up against.
Another thing, I was able to check her email and there was one from her mom. It started with "I know you don't want to talk about the house, but..." Which has me thinking she and her mom are at odds on the whole thing. Thoughts?
