Hi Leon, look after yourself. it's very hard not to focus on W and what she doing and it will take some doing, listen to the experts on here.
You are not alone so post as much as you want. This is the place to spew, not at your W.
Take care, RD
Thanks. The hardest thing for me right now is eating. I feel hungry, but feel sick to my stomach after about three bites of food. S9 has noticed and asked "Daddy, are you going to eat tonight?" It kills me to see that they notice. And the W probably knows as well.
Hi Leon, yes, eating can be tough in the early days. It's important to look after yourself though. Maybe stock up on some 'invalid' foods that you fancy - yoghurts, smoothies etc. Eating little and often is a good idea too. It will get better, and try not to worry - we all go through that, and it will pass.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm going to differ from some other posters on this, but I would NOT -- yet -- discontinue the gathering of intel. You still do not have NEAR enough information about what's going on. If you find you can't handle the data raw, then ask a trusted 3rd party to view/listen to it, but if it were me (and it was, 7.5 years ago) I would be gathering MORE intel right now, not LESS.
Snooping isn't advised because it messes with your detachment. I say there are things you can do to minimize that, and then when you have what you need, THEN you stop doing it except for periodic checks or to, say, confirm a promised no-contact pledge from her or something (more on that separately).
Right now, you should be in this mode:
1) taking care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
2) taking care of your sons (yes, this is 2nd, but only in the "put the oxygen mask over your own face first, so you can then safely help your children" sense).
3) GAL.
4) READ everything you can on affairs; learn the patterns, learn how to deal with them and how to protect yourself during this phase.
5) (and this isn't 5th overall, but rather an over-arching thing above the other four) -- DB. What are those things you let slip about yourself during your marriage? What are the legitimate self-improvements you need to make? What things is the OM providing to your wife emotionally that you were not? What would the next 100 days look like for you and your kids if your wife were suddenly killed in a tragic car accident? (sorry to be so morbid, but the concept is sound -- how would you live your life?). That sort of thing.
Who pays for her cellphone, and do you get detailed billing on it?
She originally accused me of having an PA with a MALE friend of ours.
Any chance this could be her OM??
I ask because early on in affairs (especially EAs), before the betrayed spouse finds out and before the cheating spouse gets confronted or exposed, the cheating spouse will often get their "fix" -- their "rush" -- by talking about their OP to their spouse. Then, as their affair progresses and/or as it's exposed, they of course will clam up.
Another update: Again, I know I am violating the rules. But I am just more curious.
W left her FB account logged in so I decided to take a peek. Her two most recent searches were of two hispanic guys (remember the salsa music) from her work. One is married with a kid and the other has been in a LTR since '07. The married guy looks a lot like the guy in the pictures on her phone. Odd....
She originally accused me of having an PA with a MALE friend of ours.
Any chance this could be her OM??
I ask because early on in affairs (especially EAs), before the betrayed spouse finds out and before the cheating spouse gets confronted or exposed, the cheating spouse will often get their "fix" -- their "rush" -- by talking about their OP to their spouse. Then, as their affair progresses and/or as it's exposed, they of course will clam up.
Just a wild thought.
Starsky
I doubt he is her OM. He's married with a kid (not that it matters) and I am closer to him and his family than she is. This guy works in a different town as well. I think the OM is definitely someone from her work.
This all COULD just be "unrequited love/infatuation" stuff at this point, and she COULD be guarding her phone just so that you don't see these kinds of searches. This is why I still recommend you gather some better intel before making any rash and potentially life-altering decisions.
btw, it's a common MYTH around here that MWD has a hard-and-fast "no snooping" rule. In fact on p. 226 of Divorce Remedy, she even goes so far as to recommend the use of a keylogger if you suspect your spouse is guilty of internet infidelity.
Here's my own philosophy on it, copied and pasted from my personal archives:
On snooping “makes you nuts” – I say just the opposite! :
You know, it's funny, but every time I get into one of our frequent "Snooping is bad!" debates around here (I am very pro-intel, as you all know), one of the arguments that the anti-snooping crowd always give is, basically, "It'll make you nuts!"
I contend just the opposite. Us humans are wired to fear -- to "go nuts" -- over the UNKNOWN, not the KNOWN.
Ronald Reagan said, of the Soviets, "Trust -- but verify." It is in that verification that we can either find STRENGTH AND PEACE OF MIND (if nothing is going on), or KNOWLEDGE AND DISCERNMENT about the right course of action (if something is).
For the life of me, I can't see anything wrong with that.
Pro’s and Con’s of “Snooping”:
1. to verify initially whether or not there is infidelity involved in your sitch, so that you can attack it appropriately.
2. to establish evidence/grounds for a possible divorce action if yours is a "fault" state.
3. to gather evidence for a possible custody battle, and to help you make a determination as to whether or not you SHOULD go for custody (is the cheating spouse engaging in risky behavior that would make them a poor parent in their current state).
4. to determine what it is that OM/OW is providing your spouse, so that you may begin to better provide it. To determine what OM/OW is doing that ticks your spouse off, so that you can avoid those behaviors.
5. as an early warning system for any possible financial or legal threats.
6. to monitor what outside pressures are having an affect on your spouse (her parents, her friends, your adult children, etc.).
7. to determine if the affair has gotten physical (medical risk).
8. to verify no-contact once no-contact and transparency have been agreed to as part of reconciliation.
9. to determine the extent to which you believe OM/OW may be a threat to your spouse and/or your family (ex.: abuse, unstable behavior, etc.).
10. to expose deceitful tactics of the cheating spouse which, if unverified, may lead you to make false assumptions and tactical errors (ex.: cheating spouse says they want to go to MC to try to work on reconciling the marriage, but they confide to a BF that they are only doing it to buy time while they squirrel away marital assets to be used on a divorce).
Those are some "pro's" just off the top of my head.
On the "con" side, all I can come up with is:
1. If you don't control your emotions, you may not be able to handle it.
I'm sorry, this whole "snooping is BAD!" thing, to me, is just one of those mantras that gets mindlessly repeated, until it becomes part of the official catechism, without stopping to consider the real merits of it.
I do think it is more of an infatuation than an EA (right now, at least). For one, none of the pictures on her phone were actual poses. It looks like the guy was unaware he was being photographed. The pictures were from the side or back. Which also makes it a little hard to tell if it is the guy from FB.
She is really submerging herself into latino culture. Learning spanish, eating mostly mexican dishes, and of course the salsa music.
Outside of work, shopping, and getting the kids to and from school, she rarely leaves the house. She's gone out once in the past 6-7 months.
