I know I shouldn't have, but I checked her phone again. Only to find about a dozen pictures of some guy from her work. Ugh. Looks like you guys were right.
I initially thought about confronting her tonight, but thought against it. So thanks for the advice, MCS. Going to play it cool this weekend. And yes I am starting to see that an EA is more damaging than a PA.
And many thanks for the support. Need it more than ever.
I'll give you the advice that Starsky gave me. You can only play that card once. Prepare for it. Get in a better emotional state before you do anything.
- As much as it stinks, let it sink in for a little bit. Your first reaction is not how things are when you balance your thinking
- she's not going to confess or just give you only as much as she thinks you know.
- one of the toughest things is to be stern about the affair. Read around here and you'll see we all start with the nice guy attitude with limited success
- but don't be a jerk, your wife is in pain and in her head its you that caused this, you drove her to do this because you didn't care. Of course this isn't true, but when you try to convince her you do, she doesn't believe it but if your a jerk about it, she then confirms in her head that that's how you were all along
- take care of your kids. The most painful thing is watching the mother of our kids hurt them. It took me 5 months to get some clarity between what I was doing to try and help our M and what I was doing to help the kids
- don't try and convince her of ANYTHING. It will backfire, my kids beg her to come home and she still doesn't believe it to be how they actually feel
- Eat like we said. I lost 30lbs in 2 months.
- you will not be able to think of anything else for a while, but force yourself to try. It will slowly fade and you will be able to concentrate better
- please realize that your not alone. You probably already feel it, but just hearing the stuff on this thread has probably given you some comfort that your sitch is not unique
- as much as you don't believe it now, stick with the boards and you will be okay on the backside of all of this, whether with her or not.
Again, we're all here for you. It's a tumultuous ride for you right now, but we've all been there. There's no easy answer to get out of this. It's like getting into an accident, the initial damage is done, it's how we react and press forward that makes all of the difference.
Thinking about you in all of this
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Sorry to find you in this heartbreaking situation. You are on the best site you could be on to help yourself and maybe even save your marriage.
At this point you have found that there is a possibility of an EA. IMO I would not snoop anymore. The reason I say that is for your own sanity. This is my second time DBing and I played private detective the first time around and I can say all I did was mess up my head by the things I found out abt her affairs. You want to DB mostly to help yourself and it would be easier if don't know the details. I thought I could snoop and DB, but I did too much backsliding when I found hurtful things she was doing. My first go around was successful, we ended up getting remarried a couple yrs after the D. I am back here again because of several reasons, but one of the major reasons is I got lazy and forget to use what I learned the first time.
Try your best to follow Sandi's 37 rules, I read them every few days to help me stay focused.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Good Just stay put there. Do not move out of the house either. Let her do that if she chooses.
Right now, neither of us can afford to move out of the house. Speaking of that, we are so far upside down on our mortgage (~$50K) I am not sure what we are even going to do with the house anyway. We have two mortgages, so short selling or foreclosing probably isn't an option (at least from what I have been reading).
