Starsky309 is very right. If you read around here, you'll see that plenty of us have been told that our WAW had an affair when we didn't know or think they didn't. Yet, the truth came out. In my case, she was leaving me "to be alone, to find her true self, not to be in a couple", etc. Of course, she had an OM. Card29 found out after the 7-month affair was over and he was D. In fact, it's a classic script here: rookies arrive, say they don't think there's an A but there are a few signs and then after a few weeks or months, are flabbergasted that their suddenly nice-dressing and nice-smelling wife had someone. The change in attitude is also a big one. Oh and what about her cellphone? Could it be that she spends more time on it? That she's more secretive about it recently?
We don't know, but we've seen plenty of people in your situation and I still don't know one that didn't discover an OM later. It could be something useful to know (don't just ask her, she will deny and cover her tracks). Also, start thinking about your reaction.
Welcome to the boards, by the way.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I would suggest that she set you up for the fight on Nov. 14th -- it's classic script -- to justify an affair that she had already begun.
Would that be a dealbreaker for you?
I'm not suggesting this to upset you, but rather to get you to dig a little further to find out what you're up against, and to also use this time to determine what your OWN core, non-negotiable boundaries are. Many of us thought, for example, that we could NEVER be married after our wives cheated on us, but when faced with it we made it thru the other side, better than ever.
Starsky
Right now I feel that a PA would be a deal breaker. But that could change.
I also did some snooping (I now know it violates the rules) and found no hard evidence that would indicate that she is cheating (no texts, calls, etc). So if she is, she is covering it up VERY well. But like I said, I definitely think that she has her eye on someone. And a strong possibility of an EA that may turn to a PA, but that's it. I can handle an EA.
She rarely goes out, so the only time she could actually do something would be during the day while the kids are at school and I am at work. Is it possible? Absolutely.
The other thing I noticed is that she is becoming more and more protective of her cell phone (again, no strange texts or calls though). She even takes it into the bathroom when she showers! When I am able to peek over her shoulder and see what she's doing, she is usually browsing something related to salsa music.
Right now I feel that a PA would be a deal breaker. But that could change. . . But like I said, I definitely think that she has her eye on someone. And a strong possibility of an EA that may turn to a PA, but that's it. I can handle an EA.
Classic dumb-azz male mistake (and I say that as a charter member of the DAMs!). To a woman, the strong emotional attachment of an emotional affair is even MORE of a betrayal than the physical act of sex. Only men say "only" an EA. If you doubt me, ask the women on here.
I also did some snooping (I now know it violates the rules) and found no hard evidence that would indicate that she is cheating (no texts, calls, etc). So if she is, she is covering it up VERY well. . . .
The other thing I noticed is that she is becoming more and more protective of her cell phone (again, no strange texts or calls though). She even takes it into the bathroom when she showers!
I suspect she's chatting via one of her apps, and not thru the text messaging of the phone itself.
I could be wrong, of course, but please keep your eyes and ears wide open.
I hate to break it to you but I think you already know the answer. My wife was exactly the same. If you read my story one of the last things she did that confirmed it for me was that she took her phone into bathroom when having a shower. I mean wtf! She might as well have just put a sign on her back. The next night I got access to her phone and had all the proof I needed. Everything then just dropped into place. It's always the same. It's amazing really from a human habit point of view. It's up to you whether you need to know. I know I did. Let me brace you though. The pain is almost unbearable. Starsky is right as well. An affair for a woman is not about sex. You have to see past that or it will drive you mad. Women have pa for the emotional connection. My wife is with a man that I know 100% she would never look twice at in the street. He is a lot older, not good looking smokes drinks just not her type at all. Her dream man is Zinedine zidane (french footballer) who like me is bald but and this the big but he has connected with her where I have been failing. This is how an affair starts and continues as long as those needs are being met. It's usually a friend or work colleague. I hope for you I'm wrong, maybe I am, it just all sounds so familiar. Be strong keep busy enjoy spending time with your kids
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Starsky309 is very right. If you read around here, you'll see that plenty of us have been told that our WAW had an affair when we didn't know or think they didn't. Yet, the truth came out. In my case, she was leaving me "to be alone, to find her true self, not to be in a couple", etc. Of course, she had an OM. Card29 found out after the 7-month affair was over and he was D. In fact, it's a classic script here: rookies arrive, say they don't think there's an A but there are a few signs and then after a few weeks or months, are flabbergasted that their suddenly nice-dressing and nice-smelling wife had someone. The change in attitude is also a big one. Oh and what about her cellphone? Could it be that she spends more time on it? That she's more secretive about it recently?
We don't know, but we've seen plenty of people in your situation and I still don't know one that didn't discover an OM later. It could be something useful to know (don't just ask her, she will deny and cover her tracks). Also, start thinking about your reaction.
Welcome to the boards, by the way.
Thanks!
Wow! I was typing my reply to Starsky309 when your post showed up. I guess I am going to have to do some more digging and see what comes up. And think about my reaction.
Now that I think about it there are some other behaviors that I have noticed. Maybe some of you vets can look at:
Yes, she's very protective of her cell phone. I am able to get to it at times and so far have not found any hard evidence.
However, there was a message to her sister about looking for good wines. At the time, I didn't think much of it because she likes to drink wine. But it is suspicious now.
She originally accused me of having an PA with a MALE friend of ours.
Her attitude towards me and the kids is different now. Before, she was super protective of the kids. Now she doesn't seem to care what they do. She gets irritated if they ask her for something.
I asked and she outright denied having an A with anyone.
She has taken treats to work (more than enough for herself).
Knitted a mini-sweater (she said it was a gag gift) for a male co-worker this past Christmas.
Db stance is don't snoop and that's for self preservation. The pain I'm in now and will be for a long time I wish I didn't actually know. Has anything changed? Apart from that the secret is out and we're both in pain...no. She still continues to see the OM and she will continue for as long as he fills that emotional need. What I see and have seen in other stories is we both fill her needs. OM has the emotional connection makes her feel great. She feels in love again but then I fill her need to have a family life someone supportive at home. She likes wearing her secret expensive glass slippers but when she comes home she puts her old comfy ones back on. Nothing I can say will persuade her otherwise. Only she will decide when done, if ever. like I say I hope I'm wrong
Last edited by SRD; 02/05/1511:56 PM.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Thanks for the input. I will definitely keep my eyes open. I never really thought of the difference between a PA and EA, but this behavior is so unlike her. It is like she's a different person. And it all changed over the period of a month.
I didn't see any chat/text apps on her phone, but it is still a possibility that it is hidden somewhere.
SRD,
The pain right now is pretty tough. I have to put on a happy face with the kids around and be strong for them. It kills me that she is doing this to them more than anything.
Funny thing is that cleaning the house does take my mind off of what is going on. So I suspect the house will be spotless tonight.
Now that I think about it there are some other behaviors that I have noticed. Maybe some of you vets can look at:
Yes, she's very protective of her cell phone. I am able to get to it at times and so far have not found any hard evidence.
However, there was a message to her sister about looking for good wines. At the time, I didn't think much of it because she likes to drink wine. But it is suspicious now.
She originally accused me of having an PA with a MALE friend of ours.
Her attitude towards me and the kids is different now. Before, she was super protective of the kids. Now she doesn't seem to care what they do. She gets irritated if they ask her for something.
I asked and she outright denied having an A with anyone.
She has taken treats to work (more than enough for herself).
Knitted a mini-sweater (she said it was a gag gift) for a male co-worker this past Christmas.
It is like she's a different person. And it all changed over the period of a month.
Leon,
Wow, hate to chime in here, but reading quickly; this is my sitch all over again. Everything just fine than BAM lie a totally different person in every aspect. Personality, kids, friends, everything.
Hate to do it, but I was same boat.....no way of an A, then we'll maybe an EA, then friends started to piece things together, then I started looking and saw it. Over 30 different things I saw.
Confronted, denied; but I had so much proof that I kept pushing her. Finally she confessed. She was having an A for more than a year. Going out with him in her lunch hour and her days off from work. I thought it would be a deal breaker too, but I then realized I was still in if she made some huge changes.
I thought after confrontation and confession, we could start working on M, but like Starsky said, the emotional connection for women is more poisonous than anything physical. Goes against a guy's mentality. Her OM didn't leave his relationship and it seems she's still hanging on trying to get him to leave and go with her.
We don't mean to beat it into your head, but trying to prepare you. Also......do not let her know how you are looking. Starsky told me that and like an idiot, when we were being 'honest' I told her how I found out. Then boom all of those loopholes closed up and communication wnet to nothing.
If you want, go back and read my thread "I thought everything was okay". So similar. I had a scripted fight set up from her. It was a normal night, then some little thing we were discussing than "I'm checking out of the marriage" my main struggle has been the personality change, it's been so difficult.
Starsky is right, my W took the A to the next level (or tried to anyway) about 1-2 months before BD. I think that's the guilt ticking time bomb that is so prevalent. The WAS can't keep up with lies. Sorry that we are all downers on this.
Hang in there, we're all here for ya.
Last edited by MCS; 02/06/1504:01 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
