I thought I would try and catch up with your sitch – started with your first one and have just read your last – so just need to do the ones in the middle ….which I will do over time!
Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me and offer advice and support. I appreciate it.
Wow, goodness, such a lot as happened in your life over the past few years, its hard to know where to start - I will but find your new thread to post on.
I will start my post by answering your questions:
Quote - I'd think heading out on "your new life" would be quite a wake-up call for your h tho, no? it is sooo gutsy sounding to me - leaving country
Nope, not a word from my h. He did not acknowledge me leaving the country and has not had any communication with me since November – I have been told not to expect any contact from him as he is still very much in his own world and love bubble.
Quote - so - are you from UK? is that why summer in UK?
Yes I am originally from the UK, moved to NZ 8yrs ago and was in my happy love bubble until BD 5/ 14 and then boom, bubble burst. H left 6/ 14 to take up a promotion on the South Island (we lived on the North Island) – the one I sacrificed everything for – then 8 weeks later he informed me he had new relationship. I fell to bits – up until then I thought/hoped that he was having a mad moment and needed some space. The thought of my h with someone else …and all that entails …. Just completely destroyed me. In a moment of pure despair and desperation I decided to return to my family home in the UK. My youngest s17 was coming with me but scored a 2yr scholarship 3 weeks before flying ahhhhh. So he has remained in NZ and I am now treating this as a sabbatical – time to grieve, heal and start to rebuild my life.
At the moment I have no direction, I am completely lost and I am just taking every day as it comes and make decisions as and when – on the information in front of me at the time.
I just want to tell you though – this “time out” does not mean I have given up on my m – although I will say that now I am away from him, away from the toxic mess he is creating for himself, I can see far more clearly and really don’t like the person he has become, I question if I am a doormat, or if I am holding on to my m because he/it is familiar to me and I have known no other since I was 19.
I suppose having NC and having this time away is giving me the chance to experience life without h on my terms. It is putting what he has done and is doing into perspective. Whilst I am feeling intense pain and hurt, he is living life to the full and enjoying every moment – who is the one suffering here- Me. He does not care that I am hurting, he does not care that I am living out of a bedroom, he does not care that I don’t have a job – he loves his life, he loves his g/f and new family, he loves his lifestyle and his job – he does not love me. So I do question my reasoning for remaining hopeful he returns to me. It changes all the time, sometimes I am devout and sometimes I think I would be crazy letting him back in to my life – but then I am basing that on the person he is now, not the person he will be when/if he comes out of this.
I am a carer, I care about him and what happens to him – I truly believe that this is not him, that this is a mental crisis – because if I didn’t, then that would mean he is done this on purpose – knowingly causing me intense pain and that is unbearable to think that he would do that to me – the person he passionately and deeply loved for 20+yrs.
I had to leave my home (as in house) as it was already on the market when he gave BD, it sold before he left, so I lost my home, my role in life as I was a sahw for 21yrs, I lost my money as it was all spent getting him to the job position he is in now, I lost my h and my BF. My children are grown up and I have just become an empty nester. I have nothing left to loose, so whatever I do has to be an improvement on my life right?
So todays update –
Skyped with s17 this morning – was lovely to catch up with him although conversation quickly ran out as he is currently staying with H so everything he is doing is with h and ow, which is a no no subject for both of us to talk about. Was a bit upsetting knowing that things are obviously going well with them (as in h and ow) – bluh, bitter moment ;o)
Walked the beach to try rid myself of the misery that it caused me – it sets me backwards every time.
Then got into a conversation with my SIL, she is well meaning but pushing suggestions of what I should do for work …push push push …. And then suggested I go and see a “friend” who owns a mini farm and kennels to ask for some work experience. I politely said no, but she pushed the issue and I again replied no, I won’t ask them for work, I don’t want to. She got quite shirty about it and said I was obviously in a bad mood and no point in continuing the conversation. I walked out, went to a good friends’ house and burst in to tears. – what I should have told SIL is that those “friends” are not mine, they are H’s – which I later explained to her and she said she forgot that h had lived here to????
Anywhoo – got talking to my lovely friend and she was great, she let me cry, made me laugh, let me babble on about all sorts of woes of the day, month, past year …. she said she will give me a job in a heartbeat if I can manage to stay afloat until March when she opens for the season. Joy Joy, lovely. I mentioned doing a Barista course and a Food Hygiene course and she said if I get on one she will come with me – then she said “come to yoga with me this week” so I am now off to yoga class on Thursday – which I am so happy about as I miss Pilates so much.
Got back home late to be asked by my b if I was going to have the apartment or not – I said not, as I really need to save the money – hoping that he would say, “don’t worry about it, the business will subsidise it” – but nope – so I am to remain in the bedroom in his home. Will I never get a break? No one can believe it – that b was going to charge me (especially as my SIL –was g/f – lived in it for free for 2yrs !) anywhoo, I digress – so I am going to pay him some rent for the room and get my own food in now – at least I have some independence back.
I don’t like living here, it’s not ideal, I miss my own space and I really don’t like my SIL very much – but my friend pointed out that once I am working I won’t be around very much so just keep my head down and push through as best I can – If it comes to it I do have an emergency couple of sofa’s I can crash on for a while -
So that has been my day – the good, the bad and the ugly ;o)
Thanks always for listening, allowing me to ramble on, repeating myself, repeating myself, repeating myself ha ha ha …sorry …..
I don’t like living here, it’s not ideal, I miss my own space and I really don’t like my SIL very much – but my friend pointed out that once I am working I won’t be around very much so just keep my head down and push through as best I can
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You don't need to wait for a job in order to get out of the house. Go spend your days in the library, or nursing a cup of tea in a cafe - maybe while you're there you can write a novel, like JK Rowling!
Thanks kml - I spend most of my time out walking at the mo - I live in a very small village so no library, but yes could sit in a cafe - although saving pennies so trying not to do that that often.
I am lucky, I have a couple of really good friends here and one has given me the key to her house so I can go hide there. I have offered to do her garden for her to keep me busy - she is delighted :o)
Once my effects have arrived (next week hopefully) I will go away for a couple weeks - I also want to get the courses done so that will hopefully help me gain future employment.
I am trying - just having a down day, it never rains but pours at the mo, tomorrow another day .....
Thanks for keeping the pep talks coming my way :o)
Hi Lou, I feel less alone every time I read your posts - it helps to hear how you are doing and to know that what we are feeling is pretty normal for the situation we find ourselves in.
One thing that I've found over these last few days of the holidays is that it's a lot harder without a routine. When I'm busy with work and school duties, I don't feel it half so much. But in these days post-Xmas when i'm on hols and there's nothing much that 'has' to be done, I'm brooding.
So, I really like your new gardening job, and the idea of going regularly to yoga. And if you can get that training course going,... and then a job. You are right to just keep plugging along for a while; getting through each day is sometimes what it takes.
I like to go to movies... for couple of hours, I am completely out of my usual headspace. Maybe there's some 'discount' day you can go to? - I understand about not having the wherewithal to indulge in such things anymore.
Thanks NLW - we really are all in the same boat ....sometimes I do feel like I am drifting out to sea ...ok most of the time ha ha ...
I do agree with you, I think less when I am busy. So being the productive girl that I am I have got my A into G today and started the ball rolling again.
I had a really really really down couple of days and then this morning decided that I should just get it over with and drown myself (kidding) but then after a cuppa (amazing what a good cuppa can do) I went and saw my cousin who owns a bar/cafe/restaurant and asked him "if I walked in off the street and asked for a job what would you look for" he told me what he would like to see experience/qualification wise and then pointed me in the right direction to find out about courses.
So rang the local college to find out they do loads of courses and many are free if eligible. So have enquired about: First Aid Food Safety Personal Licence (liquor) Customer Service Health and Safety.
The college is checking dates and whether I am eligible for fee free (love love that word FREE!!) and is contacting me tomorrow with the info.
Then spoke to a company who does accounting/bookkeeping packages for business - they do a course for those wanting to learn their system. Its online learning and I get certificates for each stage completed - its the most used program businesses use in the UK. It will take me approx 6mths to a Yr to complete but then together with the course I did in Nz before I left I will be able to do agency work to fill in gaps between jobs.
THEN I spoke to my friend who has agreed to teach me Barista so that is free too - loving that word !!
So today has been very productive -
Oh, and been invited to go to a rollerskating rink on Saturday Evening - Hilarious; me on rollerskates ha ha ha
How wonderful Lou. Congrats on all these exciting developments. You have been open to the universe and now the universe is talking back and showing you love and light and possibilities. Dealing with so much loss really hurts. I know just seeing possibilities for the future can be the best medicine.
You are going to be very busy my friend. Congrats again. So happy to hear you are filling up the calendar and making plans.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Started Yoga today - a bit Zen for me, prefered Pilates, but was nice to have an hour of distraction - being a human pretzel needs total focus ha ha
Applied for another job, in an office this time -
I have been quite down since I arrived (inside; outside is a bundle of fun and smiles) back to tears and feeling so sad about what has happened. I know wishing gets us nowhere but I do wish - wish that my life was back to how it used to be - happy and looking forward to our 2nd stage of life - emptynesters, travelling together and living in our dream home in country. Nostalgic moments.
No communication from h - not that anything from him would be positive as ow is his focus now- I remain NC - I have not contacted him since Oct when he thought he wanted "us" back. He has not contacted me since Nov and that was only about finance stuff. He is taking next week off to spend with s17 (his 18th b/day next week - sad not to be spending it with him) before s17 goes back to his home to start college. I am glad he is making an effort with both our sons - I hope it continues, especially as I am not there.
As for my plans - at the moment I am job hunting. I am going to stay here for the summer, I hope to get work soon and start to save, then I am going to travel - its a really scary thought at the moment, travelling on my own - but I am told it is good for the soul and doing it solo is the best way as you make friends and your own schedule.
I am trying really hard to make plans without a thought for H in them, but it is hard - and I find myself being a little non-committal to permanent things as I want to leave life open for change ....ever hopeful .... anyone got a crystal ball??!
So thats my day - still plodding along, often at a snail pace but I will get there ....it reminds me of tortoise and the hare story - h is the hare, going at 100kph and will eventually burn out - I am the tortoise, plodding along slowly .... but will win the race :o)
Hope all is good with everyone - anyone heard from vge - is she ok? ((hugs)) to all
No crystal ball, but I actually think you leaving has been a good thing. Your H will have to deal directly with the consequences of his action - losing you, parenting the boys without you around, etc - and IF he's ever going to come out of it, he's more likely to with a good dose of reality.
There's no saying whether he will or not, but I'm sure a part of him is imagining you off having adventures without him and being wooed by other men. I think NC is an excellent idea at this point in time.
