Need advice here - working the process but..

[HeavyD]

So I talked to my WAW today and it was the best conversation that we have had since this whole awful situation has happened.

She was at work and I called with some logistical questions about our D6 upcoming birthday party. This led into general questions about how are you doing, are you eating, how is your apartment and we actually shared a laugh or two about things. She asked about how I was, the house, the kids etc...

She admitted she was not happy about any of "this". She said she is very sad and hates that our family is not together. She does not like hurting me or the kids and for the first time admitted feeling bad and lonely. She said she wants to call me about 10 times a day.

I was very careful with my responses, validated everything she said even though I did not agree with several large chunks. I said Yes, I can see how you feel that way or that must have been awful, just validated her feelings whatever they were. That was a big step for me.

I asked how how she envisioned our family being intact again and she said she just didn't know. She said she feels a lot of pressure from me to "fix" things and I again validated and said that must feel pretty bad. She said she wants our family together but without the pressure from me. Again, I said yes, I want our family together again too.

I told her I missed her too and wanted to call her up a lot but I don't. She said she wants a partner she can trust to "figure things out together" and I said "We can do this".

So - I ignored the elephant in the room, talked only of positives and that was that.

5 minutes later the phone rings, it's my wife and she wants to have a family lunch and then see a movie tomorrow.

I will have no expectations other than to have a good lunch and movie with my family.

What do y'all think about that? Suggestions for tomorrow? I will KISS and not talk about anything deep especially the AP.

[HPoirot]

Oh Jan fantastic job! Fantastic for you and your PMA. Really wonderful. From what I understand... if you can keep your cool up... not mention AP... not show your pain... not show expectations... no pressure... just be fun Jan talking about light subjects (decide what you want to talk about before you get there)... don't act like you're there to R... have something to do right after so you look busy... you can start to reconnect. Think of your W as a curious cat and stand as still and cool as possible as you know.

My W asked me and S11 to have lunch on his birthday and, when I didn't respond immediately, made another offer. She knows I want to R from our recent screaming R talk and she's not said she misses us or wants to speak with me (as she says I'm avoiding her) so clearly I'm not where you are yet.

I'm so happy for you that you had a successful positive interaction and now a chance for more. I'm with you and cheering for you. You inspire me. Maybe I'll do lunch with my W and S11. Maybe I can do it.

How do you feel about it Jan? How are you dealing with anger and hurt in light of this?

You've made my night Jan. Good luck.

[HeavyD]

Thanks HP

I will have a list of about 5 topics we can discuss. Nothing of the annoying AP and that situation. Wonka said to treat it an annoying gnat. I will do just that.

I am feeling good to even hear that she misses us and doesn't want to cause us (me and family pain). That is the FIRST time I have heard her say that.

I am still mad as he** but for now I will swallow my bile and play nice. My goal here is to get her feeling good about our family and being together in a positive way. I will STFU about negative topics and no guilt. I will sit on my hands.

I will let you know how it goes. No expectations.

[HeavyD]

Now maybe I think I am reading more into it than there is. Hmmm...... Guess I will just have to use my crafted patience skills that I have learned from DB Forum.

[HPoirot]

Hey Jan... don't read anything into what she does or offers. Just go do what you know to do with this opportunity. You place no expectations on her. Expect yourself to do what you know to do. Success is only doing what you know you're supposed to do. How she responds is less important. Even better... not important. Please remember that. I will try to remember that too. Promise.

[HeavyD]

Feeling antsy about meeting my wife for lunch and then movies with kids. AGGGHHH... It feels like ants are crawling over me and they are now starting to bite.

Wife said she misses our family so we will try to reconnect for them. I have ZERO expectations but I must admit I look pretty good. My goals are:

cool
detached
friendly
no R talks
to pressure
live in the moment


I think I can,,,I think I can.....I think I can..... Why is this is blasted hard for me? Does anyone else feel like this when they meet up with their WAW?

Breathe.......Breathe......Breathe....

[Sotto]

You can, you can, you can!! :-)

[HPoirot]

Hope things are going well for you today Jan. Take care.

[HeavyD]

Scenario breakdown:

1. Met wife at Pizza Place with our two kids (s9) (d6). We had a good lunch and I acted liked everything was normal.
NO talk about anything significant.

2. We all got into her car and drove to the the movies. We were early so we all went to Ross and bought some clothes.

3. We went to movies, and had a good time with the family.

My thoughts

1. No arguments which was good
2. AP did not come up in conversation
3. I acted as if I were normal, not overly happy nor a downer, just a happy medium
4. I did not ask any personal questions, she did not either.

I did not feel really good about the day, I had no expectations but nothing positive happened. I just feel blah.

Thoughts anyone?

[HPoirot]

Hello Jan. I would say you were successful. You acted like you knew you were supposed to. You didn't make things worse. You made a space where your wife can start to feel comfortable spending time with you again. That's all you can do and you did great. Keeping that up every time you interact will make you stronger and more confident which is the most important thing. If your wife then wants to spend more time with you b/c you are a pleasure to be around... that's a bonus.

I know you don't feel it was great b/c your W gave you nothing to hope for. Expect that's how she's going to be for months and then let that go. Just focus on what you're doing. Just keep going.