Letting go of fear is something I struggle with. I have always struggled with that issue. I have an anxiety disorder which makes it harder but I deal with it and have gotten medical help with that issue, but it's always there, lurking, waiting for the right time to kick me in the shins. Let the kicking begin.
My WAW said most of my decisions were fear based. That one hurt because there is some truth to it. My biggest fear was that she would up and join the circus one day and give all of our money to them (she did in a sense). So do fears of the future play themselves out because you fear them or are you just insightful about the future. I am guessing that fearing them in the first place gives them actual life.
I hope to learn how to react better to life's shocks. My typical reactions have been to shut down, have a panic attack and try to regroup. My future self hopefully can have a better foundation built to not self destruct.
For example, maybe when my WAW told me she wanted an open relationship and I could have talked to her calmly about it I wouldn't be a LBS. Maybe if I had not completely freaked about it, I would not be in this nightmare. That I will never know and I regret not acting in a better manner. Maybe when she begged me that first night that she would not pursue it any further, I should have listened compassionately and loving. There were so many times I could have responded better, more objectively more self assured and that situation WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. Then again, maybe it was already on the self destruct train and there was nothing I could have done to stop it.
Enough fear musing for the night. Good night friends.
My WAW sent me a text yesterday asking me to come over and bake Christmas cookies with the family. I missed the text and didn't see it until after 6PM. I called and apologized for missing the text. However, maybe it was good I didn't see them.
I did make a date with my kids for Christmas Eve lunch today and my WAW agreed. After we hung up, I thought, Jeez, maybe I should have invited her to come too, just for lunch. So I called back and said I am sorry but realized she may like to join us for lunch and she agreed.
During lunch, I will be light and airy and NOT bring up any issues outside of Christmas for the kids and birthday party plans for our D6. I hope I can maintain my composure and dignity. I will try my best. I hope my wife can see the changes I have made (made new friends, dated, have not collapsed without her, gotten a professional hair cut and colored, and just been living my life successfully without her).
I will not mention any of these changes, how will I know if she notices? Do I even care?
So do fears of the future play themselves out because you fear them
More or less, yes they do. Its a common occurency and there is a lot of stuff out there about self fulfilling prophecies. the other thing that plays in here is what is called confirmation bias (you only accept evidence that supports your existing view point).
You've probably seen on the boards people talk about 'what you focus on grows, what you ignore withers and dies' and i think that happens in millions of tiny imperceptible ways. In my case I focused on feelings of rejection and so thats what I saw - it grew and it grew until my wife fully rejected me for someone else.
when we pursue we are focusing on them and the fact they are leaving us, and it pushes them away (grows)
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
There were so many times I could have responded better, more objectively more self assured and that situation WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
yep and that is true for so many of us (I definitely could have responded better than kicking a hole in my wall and breaking a foot on christmas eve). At the same time your WAW could have also handle a bunch of stuff better.
we need to look at these bits and identify where we werent as good as we could have been. Not to apportion blame but so we can work out what we need to do to change our behaviour IN THE FUTURE. we cant change the past or anyone other than ourselves.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
Then again, maybe it was already on the self destruct train and there was nothing I could have done to stop it.
maybe. Assume that this is true. how does that change your approach now?
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
I will not mention any of these changes, how will I know if she notices? Do I even care?
No you shouldnt care if she notices (theory so much easier than reality). If you are focused on whether she notices then you are encouraging her noticing as the thing to grow. now that may sound good on the face of it but in reality what is more likely to come accross is false attempt to impress and potentially expectations that they will respond in someway.
What you are better to focus on is whether the changes are real and lasting and stick. If they do people will notice, how they react is up to them
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Today I met my WAW and our kids for lunch at McDonalds. I was working and it was close. My kids and I had a great time, they hugged me and I hugged them the whole time. We talked and giggled. My wife was cool and frankly seemed depressed. I did not talk about anything except our kids, kids plans and work/house related topics. There were no R talks. She did notice that I had my hair cut and said it looked nice.
1). The kids asked if I was coming to Christmas eve services at 5PM. I said, I don't know - they would have to ask Momma (wife) as she set up the event. They did and she said "sure". Do I go fo the kids or just let it drop?
2). She sends me a text that she scored 4 tix to the RoseBowl parade and they are great seats. Would I like to go (as in the entire family go). I said - wow - how did you get such great seats, that's amazing, etc... and that I might go.
Should I go to this event or just cancel?
We have a lot of family events coming up - Xmas, D6 birthday party at our house and D6 birthday party at a party place.
I have made an appointment with my Divorce attorney for Jan 6th.
Dilemma - keep going to family events for the sake of the children or just let it go......
If I keep going to family events and playin happy family it feels like my WAW wins - she gets the AP and does what she wants AND uses our happy family time to make her feel like nothing has changed.
Pi$$es me off or is there another way to think about this??
I think you did a really good job during today's lunch. Light and breezy is the way to go.
If I were you, I'd go to the Xmas Eve event for you'll meet other people and put on your biggest smile like you're really happy to see people. Mingle, baby!
Yeessss to the Rose Bowl event. It is all bout making happy memories for the kids and leave positive impressions indirectly in W's mind about the fabulous Jan. She will most definitely see the contrasts between a happy family unit and the solitary road she's embarked on with the OW. For women, it s all about emotion and bonding with the kids by having different experience.
Best advice? Check your pride at your front door.
You got this!
Merry Christmas.
P.S. What is the purpose behind the visit with this attorney?
The purpose is I am a realist as well as a doormat. I am getting my divorce paperwork started and in process. When I am ready, I will throw the gaunlett down and file. I will file probably Feb 1 but my paperwork will be all ready.
The purpose is I am a realist as well as a doormat. I am getting my divorce paperwork started and in process. When I am ready, I will throw the gaunlett down and file. I will file probably Feb 1 but my paperwork will be all ready.
Is a D what you really want?
If not, then I'd suggest that you cancel this appointment.
Remember that DBing is a marathon, not a sprint. It took a while for this M to slide into the crapper, so it will take some time to turn around the U.S.S. Jan battleship. You must give this process time to have an effect....it takes about 1 month for every year of M to right the ship. This is an approximate estimate.
I am ready to pull the plug on this Wonka. Once the paperwork is ready, I will let them know when to file. It will most likely be in Feb. That will be 5 months after the DB imploded.
What time estimate do you feel is appropriate? We have been together 19 years, and the bobm dropped in September 2014. How many months do you think is enough to "right the ship of the USS Jan"
