My WAW wife has taken off her rings, rants about how much she wants to divorce me and what a mental case I am. Christ that was really hard to sit there.
It seems that everything I do, any text, any drop off or pick up with the kids, everything makes her ANGRY at me.
She emailed yesterday that she wanted to take the kids to Utah for their entire spring break. I said I wanted half of the time to do something with them. Of course she BLEW up and flipped out and accuses me of being a hag. The parenting deal was 3 days each. Maybe I should have let her take the kids for the whole two weeks buts its too late now.
I am so over all of this. I asked her to lets concentrate,just the two of us, no third parties (her AP) to let's divorce, work this out, figure out what's best for the kids and she refuses to stop being with AP.
Do I just file and be done with this farce? How can I negotiate this while she is involved with her AP. It's truly like she is another horrible person that I cannot reach. The wife I had for 19 years is dead and gone.
She agreed to therapy for next week. I honestly don't know why we continue with it.
The advice I'm giving myself is to act as if the relationship is dead and buried (she's someone else's girlfriend now and until that ends I have no chance) and as horrible as that is I need to make decisions on that basis.
So for your situation I think you need to make your decisions based on what you want moving forward as a single person and effective coparent.
Having said that in my communication with my W I don't even dignify the existence if OM. In fact she might even think I don't know.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
First question: why are you and W in therapy in the first place? For what purpose are you attending those C sessions? What type of therapy is this?
If it is MC, then it is ineffective as long as the WAS is in active A with OW/OM because they're not truly and fully committed to working on the M since they are pretty consumed with the dopamine feelings as a result of the A. A lot of the times the WASes will show up in MC so they can claim that they've "tried everything." The trouble with this faulty thinking is that they have this one foot out of the door which is incredibly unfair to themselves, the LBS, and their families.
If this is indeed the case, I'd suggest that you pull the plug and cease attending those sessions. We've advised the same course of action to HP in his thread. For all DBers who are in your shoes. MC and the WAS in an active affair are like oil and water.
You cannot reason or argue your way about "working things out" among yourselves without the OW. Any mention of OW will make your W feel "protective" of her...as wacky as it sounds to you. It is soo true and I've actually witnessed it myself with my own fetching, sexy eyes with Ms. Wonka and her OW.
Here's a plan of action going forward:
-Look past the OW (don't mention her name or acknowledge her) -Drop out of the MC sessions -Don't initiate stuff with W (ie videos of kids) -Go dark (DO NOT...I repeat...DO NOT contact W unless it is an emergency) - When you're feeling anxious, fearful, or just plain worn out....do not act based on your emotions for they're like passing clouds -DO NOT file for D if this is not what you want (we know that you don't)
In nearly TEN years, I've never acknowledged Ms. Wonka's OW. That was my boundary. Until recently. Grrrrrrrr....BUT Ms. Wonka clearly knows where I stand regarding her OW. I've written about it in my thread over in the surviving the big D forum.
How about going back and re-reading RT's threads? RealityTrip has DB'd beautifully...of course there were missteps...and she's happily reconciled with her W.
The therapy is not marital therapy as my WAW has emphatically stated, but therapy to help us communicate better as co-parents. WTF is how I feel about it. Maybe I should just drop out of it.
My WAW angrily told me an the therapist today she is over this marriage, had her rings off and said she is going to save up money and file for divorce. Previously, she did not want me to file. She said she is beyond trying to work this out because it's just "pretty words".
She said the problem is not her affair, but her being unhappy in our relationship. "The affair was the catalyst I needed to see how broken our marriage truly is" were her exact words. She has rewritten our 19 year marriage as being all terrible which is simply not true.
I sat there while she ranted on about how angry she was I was late for the therapy appointment (translation, I disrespected her), what a chitty person I was for wanting 50% of my kids spring break time, how I didn't get her, etc... spew...spew....spew.
I stated that I wanted to give our family the best chance, let's the two of us focus on the the marriage/divorce and work something out. I said I could not negotiate with her when there is a 3rd party involved. She was pissed off with that and refused. I told her how sad I was that 4 little kids are having to suffer because of all of this. I realize this was a mistake, but it just came out. As soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake, but there it was.
After the therapy session, my WAW and I emailed/called and worked out the spring break thing, I left her have the kids for the week if she let me have them for my week off work in January. So that issue worked out after all.
So, I will drop out the therapy sessions Not send any photos or videos of kids Go dark dark dark
I read your posts and my heart breaks for you. As a fellow LBS, I feel like giving up all of the time. It is so hard not to, when you see no light at the end of the tunnel. My advice to you is to run, read, paint, do anything to get your mind off of it, even if for only 5 minutes. The relief doesn't always last (mine never does) but it helps you go a little farther, and then a little farther more...
Hang in there.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
What kind of therapy is it? What is the therapist's background? Sometimes therapists do more harm than help which is why I'm asking those questions to get a better picture here.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
My WAW angrily told me an the therapist today she is over this marriage, had her rings off and said she is going to save up money and file for divorce. Previously, she did not want me to file. She said she is beyond trying to work this out because it's just "pretty words".
Spoken like a typical WAS. Now you, I hope by now, do realize and make the connection on the importance of making changes and being consistent. No WAS wants to return to the old marriage if they do not see those consistent changes.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
She said the problem is not her affair, but her being unhappy in our relationship. "The affair was the catalyst I needed to see how broken our marriage truly is" were her exact words. She has rewritten our 19 year marriage as being all terrible which is simply not true.
Your W has got it all wrong. Going out and getting involved in an A isn't the best way to handle this. Please try not to take it personally for all WASes try to vilify and demonize us. Why else would they leave such wonderful spouses unless we're the spawn of Satan. I've heard some really awful things when Ms. Wonka was re-writing our marital history. She practically threw EVERYTHING at me except the kitchen sink.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
I stated that I wanted to give our family the best chance, let's the two of us focus on the the marriage/divorce and work something out. I said I could not negotiate with her when there is a 3rd party involved. She was pissed off with that and refused. I told her how sad I was that 4 little kids are having to suffer because of all of this. I realize this was a mistake, but it just came out. As soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake, but there it was.
Tattoo this on your forehead: STFU about working on M.
Your W is not interested in the M or working on it in any fashion at this stage. Not as long as she's in an A with the OW. No more trying to reason with her or trying to convince her. Not happening.
Hello Jan. Just seconding what Wonka said... Your W said almost exactly what my W said about her A... that's it's not the problem but a symptom of her feelings about the M which is true but does not justify her choice like she would hope. Even so, and as hard as it is to take... there is no reasoning with W while in the A. I tried discussions too and even heard my W to talk about how wrong and awful her decisions were... but their words mean nothing. Their saying sorry means nothing. Even if it makes them miserable and angry they'll keep at it as long as it's not too painful.
You'll have to STFU about your needs and feelings and leave her to live without them. I'm right there with you... wanting to share your feelings with the person you have for years. It will just hurt you more. Grow into your best self instead.
Wonka advised me just now about daily affirmations. I found apps that do that and will just do that everyday. Do my best to fill myself and my days with positivity and positive action. Maybe some of that spreads to W when she's around. Maybe not. Let's just be better, imagine a better life for ourselves without our Ws, and keep moving towards it.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/22/1403:05 AM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Thank you for responding. Reading your words makes me feel better and feel like I am not alone in this never ending nightmare.
Wonka - the therapist is more or a child focused, pediatric psychologist dealing with autism mostly, family issues, etc... I have cancelled any further interaction with her. She is a nice lady but not helping us. We got hooked up with her as our son had some significant health issues when he was 2. I am done with her.
STFU - I know, I know but so hard. I am working on myself, have my own therapist (licensed marriage family therapist), talk things thorough and am super involved with my two wonderful children. I am getting more active in my new church, making play dates for my kids and am going to be a Girl Scout Leader of my daughter's new troop.
Patience is a skill I have to learn better, I can do it but I am a novice, a beginner.
My Mom keeps telling me to file, my wife now wants to file, and at times I want to file just to end the roller coaster. I will be PATIENT.
HPoirot - are you divorced or just separated - your tag line is a little ambigous?
Christmas plans include a holiday luncheon, spending the Christmas with my kids and playing in the park, stress free.
Thanks again for the wise words - I will do my best.
So I ask myself - what is she mad about - she's having the AP?
1. She is mad that I did not "love her" like she wanted. She is mad that I was not emotionally vailable.
2. She is made that when she made the request about letting her participate in an affair with the AP and I said no.
3. She is mad that I sugested she move out when she would not stop with the AP. I made he move out when she told me it was now a PA, not just an EA.
4. She is mad because.... "I am being dificult" with the kids schedules, finances, etc....
She is a mad wet hen. She has caused so much chaos and confusion and yet she seems very pleased with herself and the impact this has caused on me and our kids. She does not give me the right to be angry and upset and acts like I should just get over it, like it's a walk in the park.
I feel like she has taken away my right to my feelings, compltely steamrolled and when i do show my indignation or anger, I am "the bad guy". I can't win.
Other than going dark, there is nothing else I can do. Correct?
Oh yeah...there's plenty you can do in DBing! Plenty, my friend.
1) Stick to your boundary of not living in an open M 2) Focus on your own 180s and make sure those changes are what YOU can live with 3) Don't be a doormat and allow W to ride roughshod over you willy nilly 4) Validate when appropriate 5) Look past the OW. She's an annoying gnat. 6) Try to follow Sandi's Rules 7) GAL your butt off 8) Make sure that your email/text responses are brief, to the point, and on topic 9) Drink up that tasty STFU juice 10) Sing "Santa's Coming to Town" to the kiddos
Yeah, just had to slide that last one in to round off the list in a perfect 10.
