Hang in there dude, It seems tough but you have a week to go.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Thank you sandi, wonka, mozza, and bigmac. I really am pleased with my return to being firm today and I appreciate your comments on that and your advice on next steps. When she was friendly this afternoon as I described, she had been drinking. After the friendly conversation I mentioned, I came in the bedroom to find her lying prone on the bed staring at the ceiling like she had been on the night of her "breakdown" as she called it (when she drank then promised s11 a happy family and then took it back). So she's again looking to escape responsibility and drinking to escape pain? Who knows and doesn't matter.
As for after the move, sandi, instead of friendliness I was planning to go very dark. Only communication about s11 emergencies with calm and civility like now.
Thank you Wonka again for the IRL reassurance that sitches like mine can piece together successfully. Also, I write my posts on a password protected pc. She doesn't have the skill to break that. Thank you, though, for the warning. I found it interesting she asking again about what I'm doing especially after the hellish last couple days. She did again just now... cheerfully asking about my GAL tonight with S11 and my dad. I said with false cheerfulness "It was life changing!" as I walked up the stairs. She followed me up and asked "how so?" I said "personal between me and dad." She said she wouldn't pry but she's glad we had a great time and left. She really pushing this buddy thing now.
...
A few times over the past few weeks I believe I've said "This is the worst day of my life."
Today went pretty great as I wrote in my last posts.
Then came my GAL with dad and s11. S11 had a great time and was able to get his mind off his troubles for 3 hours at an family restaurant/arcade.
My dad and I talked and my world changed. The worst day of my life....
I was telling dad about the promise my W made and then took away from s11. I was having trouble with him, though, as he did not seem at all troubled by what I was telling him. He was never a really empathetic man in my experience... but I was in the fight of my life and he didn't seem shocked by anything I was saying.
Then he said... "HP... I'm going to tell you something. I've never told this to anyone else. I've held this for 30 years."
Yes... he knows EXACTLY what I'm going through and much much worse... b/c of my mother.
She was a lonely housewife far from home. She took some college courses and got a job. I nice man there talked to her. She liked it. He kissed her in the hall. He asked her to lunch. Took her by his home. He apparently drugged her water. She felt funny. He raped her.
If he did drug the water, he didn't have to. She came back to him in his house at least 2 times that she told my dad and her IC with dad present.
She told my dad after the apparent last of those times. Told him she wanted to be married to my dad, to take care of me and my bros... but to have sex with this OM.
That started the worst 6 years of my father's life.
He had her quit her job, took the car from her, and forbade her to see the man again. My 7 foot tall dad confronted the man.... and got smirking. My mom still called the man. Who knows what happened when my dad was at work. So, he moved all of us into a private gated neighborhood owned by his employer. No one unauthorized could enter. He kept her at home. Watched her.
All to save his family. To keep what he had and to protect us boys. We never knew.
But it got worse. She drank. A lot. She started to get very unbalanced. They started to argue. I remember one where my mom drank from bottles of hard liquor then smashed them in the sink. I remember cleaning up the glass everywhere. I vividly remember the smell. I remember the screaming arguments about someone's big dick.
Dad took her to an IC and sat in sessions with her. She revealed all that happened. But she kept deteriorating from the pain of her experience. After a while... she was diagnosed as schizophrenic.
My dad hid it all from me and my bros. There was no one else to help him. No DB books, no forum, no friends he could tell.
He did, though, start doing thing to keep busy and feel better... weight lifting, running, hobbies.
Stuff happened I won't repeat here as my mom got worse. I remember some of that. We thought she was simply sick. She had to go to a mental hospital for a few days. I remember dad taking me there... seeing her there shuffling with a tired, miserable, gone look on her face. Staring at nothing.
She would leave for weeks to her home and family with my youngest brother. Then she would ask dad to come back... or her family would send her back b/c they were scared of her. Dad always let her come back.
After six years of my father coming home afraid of what or who he would find... she died of a blood clot in her lung. I found her lying on the floor.
This is why I was angry with my dad. I don't know how paramedics got there... but when my dad got there... he looked calm. Not crying or sobbing. Just standing above her looking at her with a grave look I remember.
I told him of my anger all these years about that. Asked him why he was calm.
He said b/c he was relieved.
He had always been angry and resentful of her about her A... and the horrible thing she said to him about OM... Even as he did so much alone to help her look like a good mom, keep her in the family, and try to protect us. He said he failed. Nothing he did made anything better. He should have let her go home to her family with our youngest bro and refuse to take her back.
It was a horrible story. A long story. He told it graphically. Even the sex as my mom described it. He never flinched though... never looked sad or hopeless.
In the middle of that family restaurant... I broke down. He did not comfort me. Just let me cry.
He told me why he told me. He said telling me was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. He said he told me for the lesson... he survived.
He thought his world was over. He was not a strong man when mom told him of her A. He didn't know what to do and felt powerless, angry, and ashamed. He suffered everyday for 6 years with her in the house going in and out of "crazy" he said. Told me of his horrible pain. How much he cried. Told me about the current phone number of an old boyfriend of hers he found in her stuff after she passed. He endured everything... not for her... but for me and my bros.
And he survived. It took him a long long long time to be happy he said. After the 6 years dealing with mom, he spent the next 6 years alone bringing up my brothers. My mom died just before my first year of college in this city I live in now.
Back home... my dad got him and bros grief counseling for the pain. In college, I did not get myself counseling. I struggled horribly with depression. I never got away from it.
After those 12 years... my dad finally started living. Never re-married, but found a great woman who adores him and takes care of him ( I never liked her for taking mom's place )... and now he's very very happy.
It took 12 years of him fighting alone to get to a place to finally get to where he is now.
He told me I'm living his life. That I'm a 45 year old man... Decide what you're going to do and then do it. Don't vacillate. Don't hesitate. You can't change her mind he said. You can't fight her. You can't confront OM. You can't do anything about it. These people are not sane. Your W is not the person you knew. Don't even think about her and OM. She is gone and will have to fix her problems herself.
He said you are the strong one. You are the best one. He said be strong for your boy... focus on your life and your boy's life. Think about what you say to her before you say it. Do not drink around her. Do not relax around her. Walk away from her now and get a life for yourself... the life you want. You will survive. You will be better than you are now. You will have better than you do now. And you can always talk about this to me.
Everything all of you here say.
He survived and got much much stronger. He says he never thinks of my mom. Buried her, turned his back on her grave and never went back to it. I went back with my W and couldn't find it. He never bought a gravestone. I was angry about that. My W was shocked. He never bought that gravestone on purpose. He buried her.
I remember him comforting my bros at the funeral. They were all crying. Dad I think cried for me and my bros. I remember not crying. I was angry. I stayed angry all this time.
I couldn't imagine hearing all this today. I sobbed into my napkin until s11 came back. He had won some awesome prizes at the arcade. I looked at him. He will grow up to be a good and nice man. Told my dad this can't happen to him.
And it won't.
...
S11 and I meet dad for a pizza and a movie GAL at the condo on Tuesday.
Right now I'm OK. In fact... right now I feel stronger.
7 days to go until I move into the condo with s11.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/07/1404:54 AM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Thank you for the hugs and support. Last night when I got home to w acting like we're buddies... I'm not sure how I was feeling. I just kept moving.. looking good for s11. I took an ice cold shower. Noticed I couldn't get through it like I normally do. W then came to be friendly again. I dismissed her with short but friendly answers. Then I started to type. I wanted to get it out I think. When I finished, I sat there for a while. I almost didn't click the post button. I don't know where I'd be without this board. I can't imagine how my dad faced mornings without a way to talk. I'll have to ask him.
I've sleepwalked through my entire life. Thought mine was a pretty good life. My childhood too. My brothers and I felt ours was blessed somehow. If I'm honest, though, I don't have many memories of my mom. Nothing of me going anywhere with her alone like shopping. And i was i teenager for those 6 years. My suspicion all these years was it was my dad who broke my moms heart. That he hurt her. Yesterday I thought I was wide awake. I'm waking up now to a completely different world from just a few hours ago.
And it starts right away ...
Text from w at 6am. She says she's gone to her office. Im not sure she took the car. An hour later, she comes back. I am in bed with my eyes closed. She comes into the bedroom and goes to the bathroom. I hear her crying. I note that I am not sympathetic. I also note she could have cried anyplace else in the house and that she knows I'm usually awake by now. After a while, she leaves. None of that matters. I'm focused on the move.
...
Today I'm packing and practicing PMA. I'm going to take a walk around the time mid morning when I get the terrible anxious angry shaky feeling. Spend time with s11. Staying clear of W.
There's nothing else to do but just do it.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/07/1412:31 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I'm sorry you're having the perfect storm of hearing all this about your mom and dealing with your W at the same time. This is a rough, rough time but I promise it will get better. Hugs!!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It's a truly blessed time when we mature enough to connect with our parents as adults, dropping all the trappings of the parent/child relationships. It is then that you realize that they are human too, as flawed as anyone else, and that a lot of what we go through really isn't novel, and that there is a wealth of experience and support there. It is unfortunate that many people never get to that point before it is too late.
I have to believe that yesterday was very cathartic for your father as well. And now you can drop all that resentment you've carried around for years.
HP, I expect things are becoming crystal clear for you now, and you will move forward purposefully and with much less anxiety.
