Hi, I am so thankful I found this site a few weeks ago, only wished I’d found it many many months ago when my WAS situation started. Since discovering this website I’ve begun reading DR but not DB yet and want desperately to save my marriage. However, I was just served with divorce papers last week and am at a loss at how to act or what to do next.
Here is my story (sorry it’s long): My 19 year marriage was for the most part great (or at least I thought so) until about 5 years ago. All family and friends thought we had the perfect relationship. We started dating in high school, attended the same university and got married after 6 years of dating. We always got along, never any agruements and were each other’s BFF and biggest cheerleader. We were both very career focused and knew that children were not part of our picture.
After many sessions with my IC I have discovered that things started changing in our relationship 5 years ago when I was let go from my job. During that time H started traveling for his job and I was left home alone. At the end of that year, H was offered an opportunity to open a new office for his company out of town which would require us to move or for him to commute full time. I supported his desire to do this as it was important to him and his career. Decision was for him to travel full time as I was just starting a new but very demanding job locally.
During this first year of my new job and his traveling, he was reintroduced to his love of skiing/snowboarding to which he spent his weekends doing when he was home in town; thus no time for us as I had torn up my knees years ago skiing.
Recognizing we were growing apart, at the beginning of year 2, I suggested we join a running club together and hopefully start spending more time together and reconnecting that way. Was good the first 6 months, but I unfortunately had a debilitating back injury that I battled with for the next 18 months and had to quit running. He continued, continued to set new goals and achieve them. I became more and more angry and jealous internally, never openly talking to him about it and essentially withdrawing more from him. At the end of that year just before a big race that he couldn’t/wouldn’t stop talking about with me and his new running friends, I blew up at him… spewed all my pent up anger about how he made me feel with his continued running and his obsession with some online gaming he’d started getting involved with all while I was laid up in bed most of the time. (Huge regret in hindsight)
At the beginning of year 3 I discovered an online OW. We started with MC after that and seemed to work through what the issues were and moved forward. Again hindsight is that we’d only begun to scratch the surface of the issues. Spent the rest of year 3 and half of year 4 supporting his continued and evolving running goals. (He got hooked on ultra running).
In the middle of year 4 (2013), he completed his first ultra run successfully. It was at this point that I thought we’d had an understanding/agreement that he’d start focusing more on us, making us a priority with his time. Sadly he didn’t and resented the fact that I expected him to take a step back from his new found passion. He acted like I asked him to give it up, which was not the case, only to put us first with his time commitments etc. To make matters worse, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at this time. After three months of tests and doctors appts we finally knew what the treatment plan was in order to move forward. H was great about making sure he was home for all appts (hindsight I realized I wanted/needed him to just be home full time but never told him). I found out my surgery appt on our 18th anniversary. One week after surgery I discovered he was engaging in an EA based on phone bills and then looking on his phone. When asked to end EA and all contact, he denied any wrong doing, changed his phone, email, and social media passwords.
For the next 2 months there were many conversations and arguments. We started seeing MC again. MC wanted me to continue to support running as long as he committed to make time for us which he agreed to but refused to end contact with EA OW. I finally asked him to move out (end of November last year) when he made it clear to me that ‘we’ weren’t a priority for him. He’d just committed an entire weekend to helping support his EA OW with a race she was doing.
He was hurt that I asked him to move out but I didn’t know what else to do at the time and I felt he was making a fool out of me. (Wished I’d discovered DB then) I have done all the things DB says not to do. Begging, crying, talking to too many of my girlfriends, you name it.
I continue to see an IC and have learned several things of how I contributed to everything falling apart. I am sure there is more to learn.
I am unsure what to do given he’s served me with divorce papers. I have lots of anger right now given that he did so on a day that we had to put one of our dogs down (our dogs were the kids we never had). He has made a big deal about still wanting to be part of the dog’s lives and apprehensively I have accomodated his need to come over on the weekends to do so. He was very insistent that he be present when time came to say goodbye for our girl (due to bone cancer). In the end, he wasn’t there because he’d made plans to be out of town for the weekend that couldn’t be postponed for a couple of hours to be there and say goodbye to her. So I did it by myself and then was served divorce papers an hour later. However, he still expects/wants to see and visit the other dog. I am torn because this is our only interaction now other than divorce stuff and I want to see him but at the same time I am so upset at him.
I just don’t know what to do next now that he’s served me????
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
I am sorry that you're struggling with this devastating development from H. You've come to the right place where the DB community is incredibly supportive and encouraging in fighting for one's marriage.
Our friend, Cadet, will swing by soon to post his "welcome" greeting.
In the meantime, it is highly recommend that you call around some lawyers for free consultation and then select one that you feel the most comfortable with. My first question is: do you and H own a house together?
If yes, then what is the value of it? What is the equity in it?
What are other assets that you had pre-M and H had pre-M? What other assets do you have jointly?
What are your state's divorce laws in regard to the waiting period and how long it is before a D is granted?
This not necessarily a death knell of your M. It is for YOUR protection to get all the information you can get from a lawyer so you'll know what you are working with and need to do. Since you don't want a D, you can stall it by asking your L to drag it out as long as possible.
And the MOST important advice you must heed is this:
DO.NOT.MOVE.OUT.OF.THE.HOUSE.
Your H is the one who is "unhappy" and needs to be the one to move out. The onus needs to be on him to move out and do the divorce paperwork/leg work.
One final note. I suggest that you read up other people's threads and post comments in order to get traffic back here on your thread. Even if it is as simple as "hi, I am here to support you."
To give you a head start, you might want to read up a bit about validating techniques:
Sorry you are here. DO read the Div Busting book/Div Remedy book. (I think you said you had started one but now am not sure).
Anyhow, since you will see him, you must see those interactions as opportunities to show the new improved CALM you.
No WAS returns to a marriage they left...................unless
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.
YOUR job is showing him that. Of course, if it's not really what you want, then just see the lawyer and go your own way.
Actually no matter what, see a lawyer asap & protect yourself. Trust me also when I say that protecting your legal interests will NOT "make things worse" no matter how much your h might stomp his feet. It'll make him respect you more, possibly but if you cave in and give away the store you will NOT "make" him see you with more love or respect.
In the end you must become your best self no matter what he does or says. And that is the key to all this, becoming your best self.
Become a woman only a fool would leave. And if your h is a fool, so be it.
But do YOUR personal work and then turn it over to God.
What are your 180s and personal goals?
Keep posting b/c you will eventually be off moderation and you'll get more feedback. And don't give up hope. Even if you do divorce, that's a piece of paper and you could still reconnect and yes, remarry. I have 2 family members who did just that so yeah, it happens.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry that you've found yourself here. And I'm very sorry to hear about your girl going across the rainbow bridge. While I know that's a tough choice to make, I'm glad you were there for her.
You've gotten great advice from Wonka and 25.
I echo every single word of it.
Make sure to take care of yourself.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My W of 19 years is involved in a LDEA and has suddenly decided that most of our marriage was a waste (besides the kids). A WAS in this situation is mentally ill in a way and suddenly has a very warped perception of their marriage.
Listen to the vets on this board, they have a lot of wisdom to impart. This forum has been a godsend to me and has helped me stay sane and avoid some mistakes. This has been hell of the highest order, but once I learned to detach and GAL, it made a huge difference in my ability to handle whatever comes next. It will for you too.
The DR and DB books are invaluable - get them posthaste. (I can't believe I just used "posthaste" in a sentence)
Wonka and 25 know what they're talking about.
I hope you find some peace here and I'll continue to follow your thread.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
A WAS in this situation is mentally ill in a way and suddenly has a very warped perception of their marriage.
It would be best not to label WAS "mentally ill" for it is not accurate nor respectful. Please refrain from this type of labeling. Not thinking clearly or fogged thinking would be more apt description.
Please know that I am not slapping you or being harsh at all. I know your intentions are good. Just wanted to bring it up so you are more aware of how you say things.
A WAS in this situation is mentally ill in a way and suddenly has a very warped perception of their marriage.
It would be best not to label WAS "mentally ill" for it is not accurate nor respectful. Please refrain from this type of labeling. Not thinking clearly or fogged thinking would be more apt description.
Please know that I am not slapping you or being harsh at all. I know your intentions are good. Just wanted to bring it up so you are more aware of how you say things.
OK, fair enough Wonka. Consider my hand slapped
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Not to belabor the point but, when we focus on THEM and how they are "crazy" or "weird or SO selfish", we take the focus off the only person we can affect ,US.
And the thing is, chances are we played some role in the crisis in our marriage...maybe we didn't "cause" things to happen (But often, we did). Nearly always we play a role in what happens in our lives. Period.
Guess what? That is GREAT NEWS b/c it means we are not powerless.
When 2 MC's told my h that he was 'Not acting like a man with a family" and or that he was "behaving like a single man", at first I felt vindicated. After all, I was right and he was wrong. Thing is, h did not change his course of action.
In fact it annoyed him that the MCs said he was being selfish. He said that I had "brainwashed" them b/c I'm good with words (I'm a L).
So that gave me no peace b/c it made me feel powerless. After all, If I'm a good wife and have done nothing to help create this ordeal, then I've got NO CHOICES and NO OPTIONS...b/c what can I do differently??
So when we suggest that someone looks within, it's with the hope that the LBS can find something within, that they wish to work on....something they want to change. I mean, that's at least a plan, you know?
By labeling our spouses too much, we forget to look in the mirror and work on ourselves. We are all we control. We cannot "make" our spouses see straight.
IF we focus solely on them, we surrender control over our lives.
But please understand that we are NOT saying it's "your fault" that you are here. Seriously. Sure, that can happen, but I don't get that sense from you.
I'm just saying to work on yourself b/c no matter what HE does or plans or feels, (and believe me, that will change frequently),
you'll be happier, better off, and yes, more likely to restore your m. If your h does not "snap out of it" or come back, you really will still be better off.
GAL helps you DETACH and I don't think it's doable without it.
Detaching at first is simply a protective measure you take to keep your sanity.
Later, detaching helps you make some good important changes within and to make better decisions over all. When we are enmeshed in our pain, it's very hard to see things clearly. OR to make the best decisions. We are all here rooting for you. Please keep posting!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you Wonka. I did contact and put a retainer on a lawyer. Am located in California where the D will be finalized within 6 months from me being served assuming we come to agreement on assets outside of court or if that is not possible the 6 months is assuming the courts process our case that quickly. Everything we own has been acquired together since we've been together since we were teenagers, so 50/50 down the middle with all of it. H sent over a proposal on how to divide the assets. He's not trying to be unfair by any means as he was just trying to get the $$$ to work out fair and evenly. However, I am not in agreement with his proposal and he thinks me hiring a lawyer means I don't trust him. So he is hurt. But I recognize I need to make sure I am protecting myself just in case.
25 - Thank you also. I will admit I am struggling a bit with identifying my 180s. One of H's biggest complaints has always been that I don't open up and communicate my feelings. My tendency is to hold everything in and not talk when things are bothering me. (Bad habit learned from my parents). I was always afraid that my emotions would get the best of me and I'd say things in the heat of the moment that I'd regret later. So I just never talked about the things that were bothering me... instead I'd become passive aggressive with him.
Another complaint H has about me is that I tend to 'control' everything. So now I am trying to figure out how to I not come across as controlling but still stand up for myself as far as it comes to the divorce and division of assets. He's accused me of making all the important decisions throughout our marriage, so I am trying to take a backseat to all this stuff and let him do called 'drive' it. But its frustrating when he asks me what to do or how I want to handle something. Because I am learning that when I answer and he goes with it... it later comes back to bite me with him stating I dictated the decision ....
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
Calibri thank you. It was really hard to send my girl to the rainbow bridge. She came into my life as a rescue for such a short time, but she ended up being my most dependable and faithful companion when I needed her most these past two years.
I will miss her deeply.
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
Just wanted to bring it up so you are more aware of how you say things.
