See how you read his mind and figured everything out so no one else had to expend any extra energy?
That's what your H is used to, where the family is concerned he's an accessory. Please know that I'm not saying that's all your fault but sometimes we have to leave room for others to be their best. He may not have it in him but you may NEED him in the future.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
sometimes we have to leave room for others to be their best. He may not have it in him but you may NEED him in the future.
H had asked me if he could pick up anything from the grocery store for Thanksgiving. I just sent him a list. RPP lets go, H steps up. It's a beginning.
I sure hope you're feeling better today. Sounds like a stressful way to start TG week.
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Maybe I spent too many years doing it all myself for these things to even occur to him and now I am faulting the beast I've created.
I think this is exactly the case. I like Bug's comment about being an accessory. This was true for me as well. You're probably going to have to teach him how to pick up the reins by letting him know what he can expect from you now that you are separated. Be objective and fair and be specific. He may not do it your way, but you're going to have to let him do things his way.
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It's the sense of being taken care of that I'm looking for, not the actual act of picking them up. I had the logistics taken care of, I always do. I just wanted someone to say "I have your back".
Well, I'm afraid that the barn door is open and the animals have fled. Expecting him to act as a husband should under the present circumstances is like expecting a cat to bark. It's not gonna happen, rpp. At least now. And you're going to have to expect him to behave as a divorced man would. I know you're not divorced, but act as if this man has no emotional ties to you and curtail those expectations.
So I'd ask to set up a family meeting to address the issues that you need HIM to fill now that you shouldn't be expected to have his back. He's going to be inconvenienced, and tough titties. You don't have to be unkind about it, but a dose of reality will go a long way toward getting him to start thinking in terms of being a present dad with his kids and not expecting you to be mom AND dad.
You may have to tweak things and renegotiate if he's not able to fulfill what the courts will expect him to do if he's divorced. That would be comp time or additional child support. So set this up so everyone wins.
The expectations need to go, rpp. If they are not agreed upon verbally (or in writing), they don't exist. Got it?
Hugs- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Its tough not having someone to lean on. Its tough not having someone to lean on you.
I think you are starting to figure out where you stand with him right now. remember no expectations?
It is pretty hard to "circle the wagons" when one of the wagons is over yonder frolicking in the foothills without a care in the world. I know I am beating a dead horse here, but I still see his " you're welcomes" making you happy and his "lack of forethought" causing you sadness.
Labug and rpp, no more talk of sunshine. It dropped from 60 degrees to 20 degrees in 6 hours here yesterday. And rained all day!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
It is pretty hard to "circle the wagons" when one of the wagons is over yonder frolicking in the foothills without a care in the world.
This is funny.
Originally Posted By: bdub
I still see his " you're welcomes" making you happy and his "lack of forethought" causing you sadness.!
I'm possibly not explaining myself again well. I don't see appreciating a "you're welcome" as a bad thing. I'd appreciate it from the grocery store clerk, but that doesn't mean I'm attached to her. She's just not somebody I talk about here.
I'm not upset with H's lack of forethought, per se, I am upset that I am not in R with someone who would actually think of me. I am longing for something I don't have. It's not that I'm expecting things of H and then I'm sad because I don't get them, I am just expressing how nice it would be to have someone in my life that I could get those things from. Clearly, that's not H and I get that. But I can still want it.
I cried all afternoon yesterday, much of the evening, and I feel another jag coming on now, even though I'm trying not to because I'm at work. I don't really know what all those tears are about.
Originally Posted By: rppfl
I'm not upset with H's lack of forethought, per se, I am upset that I am not in R with someone who would actually think of me. I am longing for something I don't have. It's not that I'm expecting things of H and then I'm sad because I don't get them, I am just expressing how nice it would be to have someone in my life that I could get those things from. Clearly, that's not H and I get that. But I can still want it.
Rpp- By any chance, have you been suppressing that desire to have a husband who "thinks of you" for years? If so, than allowing yourself to want this very natural and normal thing (after years of bottling it up)would certainly lead to crying jags.
I hope you are feeling much better today and that your kids are doing well.
Rpp- By any chance, have you been suppressing that desire to have a husband who "thinks of you" for years? If so, than allowing yourself to want this very natural and normal thing (after years of bottling it up)would certainly lead to crying jags.
Oh, yes, honey, without a second thought. I have not felt loved and valued in years. What went down yesterday with the ER and the picking up kids and the scrambling for dinner could have played out exactly the same way five years ago except substitute "H worked late" for "H left me". (And S19 couldn't drive then. )
In our 24 years of M, I asked H to come home "early" exactly twice. Once was the first day that D16 was home from the hospital and I was nervous about being home alone with a newborn and a 2-year-old all day when I was sleep deprived and in pain myself. The other time was when the older two were small about 1 and 3, and I had the flu, flat on my back on the couch all day. On each occasion, he came home at 8:00pm. I never asked again.
The thought that I'm letting out years worth of tears makes sense, 'cause I can't seem to stop them today.
