Inside my chrysalis 7

[Ss06]

Link to previous thread: Inside my chrysalis 6

Oh please let this thread be more of an awakening for me rather than a backsliding.

Focusing on so many things you all said in my previous thread. I need to retread it often.

Specifically what labug said at the end about giving my power away to H by letting what he claims to think if me color my feelings about myself.

Trying to stay me focused and stop worrying about him and where he is or isn't on his journey. Baby steps. Teeny tiny ones.

[Maybell]

Sometimes you'll get it right. Sometimes you'll backslide. Be patient with yourself. You're only human.

[Card29]

I was thinking back to when I was first on here. You were acknowledging your role in the M, acknowledging some truth in your WAH's words, but not letting yourself succumb to the full weight of blame. I couldn't find the exact post to quote it, but you said something like, "I know I wasnt the best W but I wasnt a lunatic like he's making me out to be." Those days were the healthiest I've seen you in here. Just reminding you of that because you can and will get back to it!

[Ss06]

Thanks, you two. I constantly need reminders like that. I'm feeling like I get it but I'm very vulnerable and weak on my path.

And that patient with myself thing, maybell, I am definitely not here yet. Definitely.

H left for NY today to see the fall leaves. He didn't even say goodbye.

[Old Dog]

Never mind the Autumn :-) leaves. I learnt recently that the LA morgue has gift shop!

How cool is that? Are you anywhere near it Ss?

[Maybell]

Wait... Why does it have a gift shop and how did you learn such a thing from England?

Ss, you are right where you're meant to be. How many times have you dusted me off when I was flat on the ground?

No way... It's called Skeletons in he Closet and I saw a guy wearing one of their shirts last week at my haunted forest outing!! Who knew??

[Elsa]

Thanks, you two. I constantly need reminders like that. I'm feeling like I get it but I'm very vulnerable and weak on my path.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the strong thing by coming here and seeking support and encouragement when you are feeling vulnerable. In my darker moments, I find it difficult to come here and post, but I think I would be the better for it if I did.

This is hard. I thought it would get easier as time went by (and I supposed in some ways it has) but in many ways it is harder. My patience is definitely being tested now more than ever.

I'm sorry that he didn't say goodbye. I hope you can find something fun to do with D7 while he is gone.

[LisaB]

That's so LA. The morgue has a gift shop. haha!

[Ss06]

I'm not surprised at all to hear the morgue has a gift shop. If it's not strange, it's not LA.

Maybell, I just read through the recents on your thread and I'm inspired by your outlook and strength. I can hear vulnerability in your posts but I also hear strength and grace underneath the vulnerability. I am building up to that but man it feels s-l-o-w.

And I HATE that I put value on what he thinks of me. I feel unloveable, unwanted and unvaluable and I've let him make me feel that way. I don't want that. I didn't used to be this way. I thought I knew my inherent value outside of all extraneous things but apparently I was very wrong. I want to know that value again. To know I'm love able and wanted even though he doesn't. I didn't realize I was so insecure and reliant on what he thought if me and I despise that about myself right now. Despise it.

Elsa, I thought it would get easier as time went by, too, but it has not. I thought I'd feel stronger by now but I don't. I thought I'd be solid on my path, making real progress... But I'm not. I'm ready for all that to happen whoever it's ready. Ha!

I want to do something fun with D tomorrow I'm just not coming up with any ideas. I wish I could just lounge around and sleep all day but I can't... So we may as well do something fun and awesome. But what?

[Maybell]

You expect so much of yourself!! He hasn't even been moved out two months yet. Marathon, dear, marathon.

(Last year I ran my first half marathon. Because I didn't have a qualifying time I was in the last start corral, ten of ten. The fastest runner on the course finished the race about 15 minutes after I started running. I didn't worry about him or any of the other runners on the course. I had my race strategy planned and I executed it, in spite of the unexpected pains and obstacles I encountered. When I finally finished, I still could walk, I still could smile, and I wanted to train for another race. That's the goal here too.)

Things to do with your D tomorrow:
Tide pooling
"Chopped" challenge -- pick random things in your kitchen and make a meal from them
Try new recipes for cookies or DIY gift projects
At home mani-pedis/makeover day
Start a Shutterfly book for the year in review (my kids love these)
Art day -- print off grown up coloring pages and color with your D
Make a personal affirmation collage -- pull together pics of people who support you, inspirational greeting cards you've received, helpful quotes, and hang them on a wall of your house where you'll see and enjoy them (great way to get your D talking too)
Take your D out hiking and teach her a little bit about photography.
Road trip to Santa Barbara or one of the other historical sites in your area?
Farmers market (some have live music too)
visit an old cemetery (I know, weird, but I live in a historic area and it was unexpectedly enjoyable with kids)
Check nearby colleges for entertainment events (ditto library & book stores, hardware store, and some kitchen supply stores)
Picnic
Invite friends over
Sit and lounge in your Jammie's with coffee & cocoa for a quiet, rejuvenating Sunday.