Well, we went to the Christian marriage intensive retreat for 4 days. Unfortunately, it did not go as I'd hoped. H revealed he is still seeing woman he had affair with. I knew he was dating someone but I didn't know it was her. She lives in another city about 4 hours away so they can only see each other on weekends occasionally. H said that he cares for me deeply but has only a "fraternal" love for me and not the same love he had for me many years ago. He has a heart of stone for me and has a lot of anger and resentment. We have not had a good marriage, with constant bickering and no sex for the last several years. Despite everything, I still love him and want to start over and create a wonderful relationship. I expressed this at the retreat and he basically said NO WAY! He said that he still wants to be my friend but feels nothing more than that can ever happen. He said, "That part of me is dead". The therapists at retreat told me that I need to not be home when he comes to visit our daughter or to have them arrange to meet somewhere else such as dinner out, etc. I told him this and he said he would do so. Therapist told him it was just too painful psychologically for me to see him and knowing he is with someone else. I thought I had already experienced the most pain I could possibly endure but I was mistaken. The pain is excruciating at this point. I have given him space since this nightmare began. What else can anyone recommend? Has anyone else been given a "fraternal" love remark?
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Already thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. H recently told my daughter that he would still spend holidays with us. I'm not sure I can handle that due to the painful realization that things are not the same. I'm worried that asking him to make other arrangements to see our daughters over the holidays will only cause him to spend that time with the OW and that this will allow them to begin having their own special holiday traditions. How have others dealt with holidays when there is OW or OM in the picture? My daughters are 18 years old and 23 years old.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Well, the retreat would've been wonderful if H was interested in working on our M. He did reveal that he is still seeing the OW and I was not expecting that. He also said that he has a "deep fraternal love" for me but not the kind of love like when "we first met". Therapist asked H point blank "for the sake of integrity" would he stop the A and he said, "no". I am devastated. He said he wants to be friends and will support me financially. At least I don't have to worry about that for now. He tries to come over for a few hours every weekend to see D18, who still lives at home. Also D23 will be home visiting at times as well when he stops by. I told H that he would have to meet the girls somewhere for lunch or dinner or something or I would have to be gone when he comes to the house. It's just too painful for me to see him, and the therapists at the retreat advised me to set this boundary. We have no contact otherwise. The pain of this is excruciating.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Wondering if my H ever even thinks about me. It's upsetting when I think that he is in this new R with the OW and that he has the butterflies and excitement that comes with new love. I figure I've just made it easier for him since I set boundary of him not coming over to the house to see D18 or planning to see her when I'm not home. This boundary has only been in effect for 2 weeks so not sure how it will work. All I know is that since I put boundary in place, I no longer get even the occasional, obligatory text saying, "Hope you have a good day". I'm having a difficult time thinking that he is feeling just fine and even enjoying himself with OW and I'm in utter despair.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
I have read DR and would like to hear from people who are separated and their spouse is having an affair. I have no contact with H and understand that I need to wait for him to initiate contact. But how long do I wait? Last week I asked him to make arrangements with D23 and D18 when he wants to see them and to meet them away from our home. I made this request so that I won't have to experience falling apart (in front of him) each time he leaves. Also I told him I could not see him while he is involved with OW. I'm wondering if it was a mistake to do this because now I have absolutely no contact with H and he will be unable to see any changes I'm making in myself.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Stay dark (no contact) this is going to be a long road. Remember you are in an endurance marathon right now, not a sprint. Let him keep coming to you for contact. You can use the down time to start the healing process.
We are here for you. Trust me when I say I understand the pain. Hardly a day goes by that I don't tear up or break down. But it gets better, I promise.
Have you found and read Sandi's 37 rules?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thanks for the advice Jefe and yes, I have read Sandi's rules, which I should probably print and post somewhere so I can refer to often. I go to sleep with the pain. I wake up with the pain.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
my W left the family home 4 weeks ago and i have gone dark . i believe she is continuing an A in secret allthough im not sure why in secret as she has left but I have my ideas.
in the four weeks i recieved one text from W on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and saying about the great years we had and how she was sorry for messing this one up.
and i sent her one text last week asking how the cat was that we had just dropped round at MIL where she is currently staying. she replied with a very pleasent text which i didnt reply to .
i have up days and down days and the up days are getting more frequent that the down days.
i have to keep reminding myself to be patient and that this could take a long time.
on the subject of waiting it could be weeks but could be months im not sure how long and the time that i think i can wait keep changing sometimes im done then i think christmas maybe then i think forever . im sure that over the time my love for my W will slowly fade and then maybe if she doesnt return then i can get on with my new life i have made for myself.
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
I have read Sandi's rules, which I should probably print and post somewhere so I can refer to often. I go to sleep with the pain. I wake up with the pain.
Let me expand on something that someone told me just recently. Take the 37 rules and change/edit the word spouse and the pronouns to your husband's name. then you can save it or print it and read over it daily. I also save some of the better advice, paragraphs, and quotes I find in the threads and save them to a word document. I also edit these to fit me directly inserting my wife's name where applicable. I find that this helps me greatly when I read them back over.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
