WAW - One month in but looking for coping advice

[edz]

Well today W was supposed to send me the details for Ss card event tomorrow night, gave it until 9pm and sent her a text, light, relaxed, 'evening, just a reminder you were going to send me the details for tomorrows card event if its still on", got a single sentence back, will forward it first thing.

Looks like I'm in the dog house again.

You know the dodgems are really looking appealing from this d@mn roller coaster. Days I wish I just didnt care...

[South74]

Hi Edz
Have you read the article on detachment on the livestrong website ?
There is a link to it somewhere in the threads .

I hope you are still going to take your S to the card event .

Not sure if you are but one good piece of advise I got when the poo hit the fan was to start documenting everything especially where W changed plans and made it hard with kids .
You never know where this roller coaster might end up.



South

[edz]

Hi South

Yes W sent the info through for tonight about 20 minutes ago, need to confirm where exactly it is.

I found the link and took a look. A lot of those points certainly describe me well. I couldn't do a full detachment as described though, I know that and my Counsellor told me to take baby steps as I could do myself more harm than good and end up being insular and letting my cold logical side take over if I wasn't careful (makes me sound like Spock or something).

I do know what he meant though, that side of me is highly organised and my "mr fixit" as they mention in that article. A dog with a bone as my dear departed mum would have said since if I start something with that side of me it gets fixed, nothing else gets done and the room may be on fire, but that gets done.

I suppose the place I need to work the most is not worrying about next week, month, year, decade which is all I can think of right now. I CAN get through today, I will most likely feel very lonely and isolated when I come home from GAL activities but thats just something to let happen until it doesnt consume me so much. Sometime there will be someone to share my life with I dont know if that will be W or someone else, maybe more deserving, but it wont be today and it wont be until I have fixed me first.

Just hate the whole thing so very much, Mr Logic knows its an opportunity to grow, to resolve all those issues that have made me (and W) unhappy in those moments over the past few years, the other side of me just laments that empty second seat on the sofa and turning to comment on something in a book, movie or TV episode to find there's no one else there..

[edz]

Lots to update this weekend but Tired this afternoon, just cooking dinner for tonight.

For you south did 73 lengths today, averaged 1 min 9 a length about an hour and 25 minutes in total.

Cheers

[South74]

Well done Edz are you aiming for 80 lengths .
You must have turned into a giant prune .

[edz]

Well done Edz are you aiming for 80 lengths .
You must have turned into a giant prune .

Thanks mate, yup aiming for 80 next week.

Was fine at the time, met up with W who was there with S's friends mum for wet and wacky as I had a bag of S's library books which we renewed yesterday but thats another story, dont have the energy tonight. Was only this evening felt utterly poleaxed. Just had a big dinner of stew and the carbs are now kicking in - sleeeeeepppyy - still on the 1 meal a day programme as well. Nearing 1.75 Stone down now, 8 inches down on the waist.

Also started to look in poole for somewhere new for me to move to either in dec or early next year has to have room for S as well and potentially at some point W but thats wayyy to complex to get into just now and Im still baffled by her need to go from here to MIL and now wants to move somewhere by herself to be sure she now wants to come back (making a big assumption I'll wait around playing Mario 3 I suppose) - full details tomorrow when Im not shockingly cross eyed tired!

Cheers

[South74]

Edz

Just checking how you are ?


South

[edz]

Hi South / All

I'm overwhelmingly confused, W is flip flopping on what she says and does (although she keeps coming back to the "being alone" meme), no shock there, last weekend one minute she was saying she didnt know how she would be able to tell her mum if she decided to move back but she was thinking about it, next she was saying she must must try making it on her own somehow to know if she wants to come back or wants to leave her mums because she feels so controlled. Next she's blanking me then denying it and saying not responding for 4 days is just down to her being busy, not obsessing with FB or anything anymore but I know she's not that busy as S tells me when I see him that mummy is sitting at home while he's on minecraft in the evenings!

During all this time she had had enough at her mums and decided to meet up with S and I while we were out and about so we could have lunch together (asked wasnt invited so not pestering). Then at the park afterward she went back to the needing to be alone to see if she can run her own life (not sure where any of this is coming from as the only person who was ever controlled in our life was me, guilty of being a moody doormat but never being controlling)

Then she started saying she sees her future on her own so I said is she intending that we Divorce again she says no she never mentioned it and isnt thinking about it, err, ok, so I just sit around by myself in case she decides she's in the mood to be a wife again?

For now I suppose yes but made it clear that its not what I want, I respect her choices and her right to make them but I dont agree with them and Im moving on myself to build a life I can enjoy.


All been a bit much that plus work is just too much at the mo so been getting out as much as I could. Also taking motion to get out of this place and look for somewhere else but as you know South property down here is either stupid expensive or a massive compromise, looked at one place, another I really wanted to see was let before I could get to it. Cancelled one viewing this evening as its just too small to bother with and I know W at present has zero interest in helping move contents (all her stuff is here apart from bits she took - MIL didnt want it cluttering up her place - lovely woman as you may no doubt realise but W has always been under her thumb and wont change even though she hates it, in equal doses complains and cries to me then defends her, hey ho cant change her) sooo if I did go somewhere small muggins would need to put tons of stuff in storage or just leave it here.

I know W is looking at other properties (not mind reading or snooping - S has told me whats going on although if I raised anything she'd deny it - just the way she is right now.

So, all a bit much, feeling freyed, unwanted and a little alone also been down with a god awful bug since last Sunday, W knew and didnt call to see how I was, why would she I suppose? which just put the cherry on the "dung" sundae really.

Feeling very sorry for myself at the moment, GAL activities are keeping me going (although not swimming obviously) eating and trying to avoid alcohol but I'd just like to climb under a duvet and have the world go away right now

[edz]

Oh almost forgot, W said to me that she was looking at properties but since she's not making enough money (as she's focussed on HE and wont tell son he has to go back to school) and as yet the local authority cant/wont help (not sure she actually deserves it in my opinion as she has housing at her mums and thats not there just so she can be "happy" alone) that she assumed I wouldnt act as a guarantor, confirmed that no I wouldnt be doing that.

Dont need her defaulting on the rent and getting that as well as the financial issues I have (money transfer is in place for sons upkeep and W was very clear she didnt want anything from me).

To be clear if I had money (come on Euromillions draw, please!) I'd buy her a place for her mental health and for my S's sake but I dont, she left me with well over 95% of the debt we incurred and is now taking 15% of my salary for S. I just dont have the capacity to help further without defaulting on credit.

Still feel either she's not telling me the whole truth (although I know theres no PA going on as S is basically attached to her 24/7) but that doesnt mean she isnt borrowing money from a member of her family. She's always said she doesnt want to stop me seeing S and wanted to find somewhere near the area we lived in for Grammar school reasons but I have a feeling she's planning on doing a "bunk" out to the area with S and leaving me in the cold based on what S has said on the properties he's seen her looking at (cottages in the middle of nowhere, Hampshire).

All very depressing, W being gone is bad enough, thought of trouble seeing S is just becoming way too much...

[South74]

Edz
Sorry to hear what's going on .
My W does a lot of cake eating . Saying it's other but who knows what the future holds and she may one day realise what she is missing and want to come home .

So think although it makes your head spin I do think it's just what they do .

I know if I was to call my W right know she would say she isn't coming home but she might in the future . How can or do I react to that . I just get on with my life we'll try my hardest .

With regards Hampshire it's not really that far away and could mean seeing your S for longer as in whole weekends not just one day .

Remember believe nothing they say and only half of what they do .