Dev, thanks for the support. You're being very patient too. Isn't it amazing how long this whole process can take. I know it took about 5 years for me to get into this mess but hopefully with the increased awareness and newly learned skill sets I can cut the recovery time to 2-1/2 years. I've got over 1 year under my belt so far (she moved out of our bed 13 months ago) and I've only really been doing positive movement work for the last 6 months when I read DR.
This indeed is a marathon. But the time spent alone is productive. There's so much to learn. Every day is a school day.
Keep your head up too, Dev. You'll be fine, regardless of what choices other people make. You deserve to be loved. The pain will go away. You'll be ok.
Last edited by PeterV2; 09/18/1404:59 AM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
So it appears that the Mediation went well. I reiterated that I am not a monster interested in control. I have no interest in destroying her, and I have no interest in controlling her or manipulating her. I think my W actually listened. She unblocked me and we had some very simple exchangers regarding the kids. It's highly tenuous, but I would say it's definitely positive.
Regardless of what happens, I need to maintain civility and co parent and I really want to demonstrate to my kids a strong secure role model.
Shockingly my W even asked me to have the kids call her. I facilitated a conversation gladly, and bit my tongue when she suggested it's much harder for her to do night time, which is why I shouldn't call at night. She did tell me a good time to call and let me call and speak with the kids, which was great!
I've really realized that my W is bent in getting appreciation for all the things she feels were under appreciated in our M. Both of us feel unappreciated, and I have realized that I cannot expect to ever get any appreciation from my W with respect to my contributions to our M, household and they kids. My W seems hung up on the idea that I don't listen to her. Which then proves to her that she is doing the right thing....
Anyways, I've really I realized there is no convincing from me. I'm going to go about leading my life without her in it, and hope for the best for myself and my kids. She is the one that gets to chose the pathways she takes....and where it leads.
Hey Dev, sounds like you've made some baby steps. Let me chime in a bit here. Don't worry about her schedule or her not being available at night. I know where that takes your mind, but you have to really detach from that. Accommodate her desired timing.
If she is bent on getting appreciation then it seems to me that one of her primary LLs is Word of Affirmation. Have you in the past not given her that appreciation? I would recommend that at appropriate times you tell her how much you appreciated everything she did to raise your kids. Ignore the A and the aftermath. Focus on the positive contributions she made and let her know you noticed them and really appreciate them.
So you feel unappreciated too? Well at this point you'll just need to suck it up and be stoic. If and when you reconcile then there may be a chance to get her to appreciate everything you're doing and have done to protect your kids and save your marriage. Until such a time focus on showing her your appreciation. Think of positive contributions she made when your M was good. Bring those up and thank her for those - really focus on the positive however obscure or old - but only to let her know how much she is appreciated. This may be a 180 for you. If so then it's probably the right approach.
She thinks you don't listen to her? Next time you're talking try reflective conversation (google it: Bruce Muzik reflective conversation). That changes the interactions immensely. It takes a bit of practice and discipline but it really works. I tried it early on and my W said I'm finally listening to her. I should do it more.
By doing those two things, she may want then to spend more time talking with you. That could lead to more connection, which could lead to more quality time with her, which could start filling the empty love bucket.
Last edited by PeterV2; 09/24/1404:48 PM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Thanks for stopping in and your feedback. I really appreciate it.
With respect to her schedule, I am pretty detached I think. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but her availability at night etc was referring more to her not letting me speak to the kids at night. That's what I don't like. I've managed to accommodate this a bit. It has been an issue for us though. She feels like me calling the kids is to actually check up on her, and she finds it very difficult to accommodate. Her line is that "this is your need, not the kids need". Which then starts into a diatribe on how she always met my needs. And I didn't meet hers.
I've really tried to show her appreciation for all the things that she's done in the past. She usually doesn't believe me or doubts my sincerity. I may need to change my delivery. I've been attempting the reflective listening, and it's hard. She feels like when I repeat what's she has just said l'm belittling her. I'm going to persist and maybe change the technique slightly to be less obvious. Thanks for sending the link.
As for appreciation, I agree with you. Not going to happen at this time. However, reinforcing the appreciation for the past is not a bad idea. Anything that fills her love bucket will help.
Implement and progress. Still no big blowups, which is in itself a good thing. Small baby steps, and who knows what will happen.
With the reflective convo, after she makes her first statement just say, "ok I may be a little slow but I think what you're saying is ... [and then paraphrase what she just said]. Did I get that right?" And if she says "yes", then ask, "is there more?" Once she's done then try to empathize and say something like, "I can see what you're saying" and then, "wow, that must have made you feel ... [unappreciated, hurt, degraded, unloved, etc..]. Did I get that right?" Then wait for correction if required. You see it's just trying to understand what she's saying and mirroring it back to let her know you're hearing her. Just a thought.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
That's awesome advice. I will try it next time I am able to have a conversation.
Been a tad stressful this weekend. My W had the kids, I showed up for swimming, and she was crying. Suggested she has no friends, and all her friends are in miserable marriages. I had to STFU to not say "aren't you happier now" I didn't get a chance to speak to my kids until the next day. Turns out my W was sick and hungover. Couldn't drive. I was asked to take my daughter to ballet. I came back to find my W and two of my kids in the house already. She was a mess, and my daughter refused to go to ballet.
I tried to convince her, but it didn't work. I ended up going out. I offered to take the kids for the night if she wasn't feeling up to it. She declined. I had to leave before i made any mistakes.
I completely changed my plans when my daughter called asking me to take her to ballet because mom couldn't drive. I don't have any problem doing this. But to come home and find my W in the house hung over I found a bit much.
Obviously, she's not in a good place. I hope she finds her peace and gets to a happier and safer place. It's tough to watch someone you have cared about for so long go through all this.
Oh Dev. Sorry you're going through this. Looks like she's hitting rock bottom. Does she have an IC/MC to talk to? Would she accept a suggestion to get some counselling? You could even offer to pay for a couple sessions if you think it would do her good. Don't call it rescuing. Call it investing in rebuilding your marriage. Just a thought.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I completely changed my plans when my daughter called asking me to take her to ballet because mom couldn't drive. I don't have any problem doing this. But to come home and find my W in the house hung over I found a bit much.
Obviously, she's not in a good place. I hope she finds her peace and gets to a happier and safer place. It's tough to watch someone you have cared about for so long go through all this.
Yes, it is hard not to rush in and try to "fix" things for the WAW. As you know, we all say here that we must step back and allow WASes to experience the consequences of their choices. It seems to me that W is really hitting bottom. Not sure if that's her ultimate "rock bottom" , but looks awfully close to it.
Detachment with compassion is a tricky balance indeed. Good job on walking out of the house. That is a good DBing move on your part, Dev.
Appreciate the support, it does indeed look ugly right now. Peter, I am paying for IC for my W, but she feels she doesn't need any? Can't push that issue. I like the idea of thinking about it as investing rather than rescuing, but it seems such a fine line as Wonka points out with respect to letting the WAS hit rock bottom.
I think she is truly realizing what life without Dev is like. There were some more heated texts about how she is struggling and living frugally, while I am having an awesome time. Really? She doesn't realize how limbo has become my norm, and just how difficult the last few months have been on me. Of course, she doesn't need to. I feel really good right now. Strong, confident, self aware, and fairly organized. She's insisting on separating our finances, as her first cheque only covered her rent. I think that's what triggered her outburst today.
I listened to her concerns, reiterated them, and then told her WTF did you expect was going to happen? Just kidding, I would never say that, I just STFU and related that I shared her concern, and how I wanted to maintain the kids best interest in everything that is done.
Should be interesting to see what happens from here. Going to be very interesting. For sure.
Thanks everyone for reading. Hopefully someone somewhere is seeing mistakes I make and positively applying them to their stitch.
