You're doing great mindsin, and you are so lucky to have a FIL who will share this information with you, so you can know that your efforts are working!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I brought my DB coach up to speed on the latest developments. While she feels that the past weekend's talks worked against me, she thinks I may have come out of those talks mostly unscathed, evidence by her behavior on Sunday. How much that behavior was a result of her conversation with her parents is unknown, but it's a positive sign.
She agrees that I need to revisit the fundamentals of DB-ing. Recognize and note all of the mistakes I have made -- particularly in the last couple of weeks -- the pursuing, the pressure. It needs to stop.
She thinks the talk I had with the OMW last week and the revelation of the conversation (and the OMW's claims) put doubt into my W and may have caused her (even slightly) to re-evaluate her relationship with OM. I need to be aware that she will never express this doubt to me. But the doubt is evidenced by her desire to fly away to see a friend for a week by herself, and her need to seek counseling from her parents.
Continue to listen to her. Eliminate the confrontational communication (stop trying to drive my point home). Keep up PMA and 180s.
She is also very encouraged by the turn of events in the A -- the OM's impending relocation, the break-up talks, all the uncertainty, and the lack of any forward movement regarding separation or D from BOTH marital situations.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I brought my DB coach up to speed on the latest developments. While she feels that the past weekend's talks worked against me, she thinks I may have come out of those talks mostly unscathed, evidence by her behavior on Sunday. How much that behavior was a result of her conversation with her parents is unknown, but it's a positive sign.
Don't confuse a potential positive sign with thinking it was not a mistake to have the R talks, again...And stop having them! Yikes, I don't know what else to say. IT's as if you think merely surviving those talks is enough to keep having them but I thnk it's only a matter of time before your wife has heard too much...
Listen to the coach (and us) and stfu PLEASE...it will show some self control and that's one thing she fears you lack, b/c of the job losses and the affairs. Show her you CAN be disciplined....make sense?
She agrees that I need to revisit the fundamentals of DB-ing. Recognize and note all of the mistakes I have made -- particularly in the last couple of weeks -- the pursuing, the pressure. It needs to stop. this^^ is Emphatically TRUE....can I get an "amen"? AMEN!! \
She thinks the talk I had with the OMW last week and the revelation of the conversation (and the OMW's claims) put doubt into my W and may have caused her (even slightly) to re-evaluate her relationship with OM. Even if that is true, it also COST you a lot. Makes you look insecure, gossipy, weak, possibly distrustful. And whatever information that hurts OM and her r with him needs to come from someone OTHER than you. Don't be the messenger. There are plenty of other ways she can figure this out, she does NOT need you standing over her shoulder saying "I told you so" which I would-bet she fears and expects from you. Know this, sometimes the most loving LOYAL thing to say to a spouse is NOTHING.
When Alaska and my h's dreams of the "Gold Rush Sure to give us a gazillion dollars" all fell flat, I never once said "I told you so."
When His contract with the hospital (which was one I'd never advise signing but h said I was being "negative" and "raining on his parade" and that I was "biased") fell apart and worse than I predicted came about, I said nothing.
We got financially very damaged by his unilateral choice.
I said nothing b/c HE KNEW IT already and why would I need to remind him of that? I don't believe that we "educate by humiliate" so I never did.
Keep that in mind b/c her FEARS of your inability to forgive, may haunt you and being so "talkative" probably makes her think you cannot let something go.
If she thinks you'll always bring up the A, or throw it in her face every time you guys disagree or fight, it'll be a real obstacle to reconciliation. So seriously review and remind yourself of the positives of NOT talking about the R so much.
I need to be aware that she will never express this doubt to me. But the doubt is evidenced by her desire to fly away to see a friend for a week by herself, and her need to seek counseling from her parents. Okay fair enough. So back off and trust this process. Trust that the love she once had for you CAN resurface if you let it, which means stop pushing for it so muh...okay? Continue to listen to her. Eliminate the confrontational communication (stop trying to drive my point home). Keep up PMA and 180s. Yes, yes. She is also very encouraged by the turn of events in the A -- the OM's impending relocation, the break-up talks, all the uncertainty, and the lack of any forward movement regarding separation or D from BOTH marital situations.
You mean the DB coach, right? Just checking.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 - On your last question: Yes, I mean the DB coach.
New 180 for me (just realized)
So my W will be going on her week long trip this Friday. She has been asking me (for days) to convert the videos from some exercise DVDs onto her iPad so she can use them while she's away.
Yesterday evening, she "blew up" at me for not getting to it yet.
My replies were defensive. "You're not leaving tomorrow. I'll get them done."
This morning, I started converting the 1st disc. She comes up behind me and abruptly says, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'm doing my exercises this morning. Why can't you use the other PC?!"
She needed me to stop what I was doing so she could play her exercise DVD and do her workout. I told her that this PC is the one where the video conversion software is installed and registered.
I stopped, and let her do her workout.
Then it dawned on me...
There have been countless times in the past where she asked me to do something (a favor for her, for her parents, etc.) that required my knowledge or ability. For example, she trusts me with everything technology-related and leaves it up to me to take care of these things.
In the past, I have shown a lack of care for getting these things done. This latest thing is just "more of the same" from me.
And I also realize that she not only wants me to get them done, she wants me to TAKE CHARGE of these things so she feels like she's taken care of. By her persisting and pressuring me to get these videos converted to her iPad, it shows that she doesn't TRUST me to get it done.
She has even said these following things to me on several occasions after BD:
"[OM] knows how to take care of me."
"You can't take care of me."
"You need to find a woman that you can take care of."
It took me long enough, but I'm finally starting to connect the dots here. What I am uncertain of is whether she is trying to say I don't have the ability to, or I don't have the desire to take care of her.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I say let OM take care of her, he will get tired of it real quick.
I'm hoping he's already starting to. My W has told me recently that they (she and the OM) fight a lot, sometimes about me, and that she has defended me on more than one occasion.
Specifically, she has argued with him about how much better I'm handling this difficult situation than his W is.
(That's because she's not DB-ing!!!)
Also, if you're madly "in love" with a woman, you wouldn't be moving 2000 miles away to start a new job with no guarantee that she will follow you there. I know I wouldn't.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Is she saying that you do not understand how to take care of her? Maybe she means you dont "get" her and OM does. I say let OM take care of her, he will get tired of it real quick.
Except that Mindsink is DBing, he has a coach, & he's taking a DB approach. He's not trying to "teach his wife a lesson"...and btw, Bdub, have you read the DB books? I don't get the feeling you have. No offense.
Mindsink, whether she believes you cannot OR will not do this, to ME is not as important as you just handling it and proving --both that you DO care, and that you CAN do it. Problem solved.
I mean, that way you solve it regardless.
If this is one of her love languages (acts of service) I would get on it fast. (Isn't it one of her LLs?)
And like you said, you reacted defensively in the moment (another reason for you to learn new positives ways of handling things)
In the heat of the moment, we don't want you to revert to defensive or attacking behaviors, right?
So you really need some positive role models. That means getting to know people who KNOW HOW to do conflict resolution, and don't "Lose it" a lot. Learn from them, and model their behavior.
Also, in the future, maybe you can communicate more directly. This could be a teachable moment instead of a 'problem." For instance,
"W, no need to be upset, I didn't realize it was so time sensitive. I planned on doing it "later/ "during X'/ ETC) but I can do it now. Will that work for you?"
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This a chance for you to show that you are doing her a favor on HER timeline, correct? If you choose to do that, I think it'll be noted, and if you choose not to, the same thing will happen.
AND Mindsink, if it's done for her but done "too late" then she's probably not counting it at all),
As for what is going on with the OM, or how tech savvy he is, who cares?
this is about YOUR LIFE, not his. How about a post that has NO mention of him or his wife, and only speaks of your growth and healing, or a new GAL or some other 180s?
I'm Looking forward to that!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
If this is one of her love languages (acts of service) I would get on it fast. (Isn't it one of her LLs?)
Yes it is. There are a few more examples of this (post BD), and in those examples, I stepped up to the plate and delivered.
Some of those things have been lingering for at least a year, and they were things that I saw as simply "nagging". That must have emptied her love tank quickly.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
As for what is going on with the OM, or how tech savvy he is, who cares?
this is about YOUR LIFE, not his.
I know, I know. I just can't help but to compare myself to him. I feel like it's a "win" whenever I can one-up him. I use it as motivation to better myself in both the areas where he currently has the edge, and areas where I outshine him. For example, I know that he has been letting his health/fitness slide. I am more physically fit than he is, so one of the GAL that I'm doing is to get into the gym regularly and eat clean. I have lost 15 lbs since BD and look/feel better physically than I ever have.
I have a feeling that you're going to say that I'm taking the wrong approach on this -- that I need to make these changes for me, and not to get my W back. Fundamentally, I would agree with you. However, in my mind, I'm doing both, if that makes sense. Even if I'm forcing myself to be better for the wrong reasons, the fact remains that I'm bettering myself. I'm faking it until I become it!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
How about a post that has NO mention of him or his wife, and only speaks of your growth and healing, or a new GAL or some other 180s?
I'm Looking forward to that!
*sigh*... Me too. Me too.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Last night, my W came home in a VERY good mood. It was the best I've seen from her in a long time.
She just spent the afternoon and evening with my son and was simply glowing over the wonderful time she just spent. She even noted that she put her mobile phone aside and gave him FULL attention (this was something I was critical of in the past).
She then told me that she is actually leaving on Thursday (not Friday) and that she will be first going on a road trip with two of her friends (one of which knows the situation). I asked her where she's going.
She smiled, and said, "I can't tell you."
Now, she didn't say this like: "It's none of your damn business".
She said it like: "I can't tell you. It's a surprise!"
It's almost as if she was responding to me asking her "What did you get me for my birthday?"
It was a strange and unexpected response.
She then told me she will be flying out to see her friend (which she told me days before) and returning the following week. She asked if I could pick her up at the airport, and suggested that we could go out for dinner afterwards.
This morning, she left with our kids. She is taking them out to breakfast, and then her father will be dropping her off at her friend's house to begin their road trip.
I did not say goodbye to her. Instead, as she was leaving, she said, "OK honey, I'm leaving", as if to make me aware that she's leaving and I won't be seeing her in a week. I walked over to the door as she entered her car, and said "Have a fun and safe trip."
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I'm proud of myself. I didn't initiate any text messages or phone calls to yesterday despite the fact that I had no idea where she was going (she wouldn't tell me -- see previous post). Inside, I was very anxious. I know she told her father. If I asked him, he would have told me. I respected her wish to not have me know, so I didn't ask him. But I was still very curious as to WHY she doesn't want me to know.
In the evening, she reached out to me via text.
W: "Are you taking the kids out to dinner"? Me: "Yes. We are all out having dinner. My parents and my brother came down too." W: "OK. I will talk to the kids tomorrow. I don't feel like talking to them while your family is there." Me: "OK"
3.5 hours later, she sends me another text.
W: "I hope our son had a good birthday today. He was really happy with our breakfast date. I am doing well, really relaxing. I will text you tomorrow." Me: "He had a great birthday and loves the new bike." Me: "Take care of yourself and stay safe."
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
