The change of heart on the cruise really struck me though. If she just needed time off or time away, why not just go away by herself or with the OM? Going on a cruise with me and our two young kids wouldn't exactly be a relaxing time. It certainly wasn't when we went on our last cruise 2 years ago. Every day will be filled with activities + the challenges that come with traveling with young kids. I don't get it.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
My W wanted to talk to me last night. She said that she just wanted to check in and see how I was doing emotionally. I told her that my feelings really haven't changed, and that I'm still trying to figure things out in my head. I added that I'm continuing to try to make myself a better person and learn the things I need to do to be a better husband.
She then asked if I'm still talking to the woman I met online. I told her yes (and I am). I said that I am getting good words of wisdom from someone who has gone through this very path before years ago (WAS/OP situation). I told her a little bit about their situation without going into too much detail.
She then told me of the upcoming nights she will be staying over (with the OM). One was last night. She said that she had to be at work very early and it's a much easier commute from where she'll be staying. She showed me her calendar on her mobile to show me the early morning meetings she has lined up. She then said she will be spending the day out of state on Sunday and it will be a late night. Because of that, she will be staying over on Sunday too.
At the same time, she asked me what time we should leave Saturday morning (for our day trip), and we shared ideas about activities we will do that day. We also talked about some of things we'll be doing on Monday.
I found it interesting that:
1. She did not mention the OM at all regarding Sunday but she told me where she will be. I'm assuming she'll be with the OM, but she didn't feel the need to explicitly tell me.
2. She tried to lay out the reasons why she is spending those two nights (have an early meeting, will be back late). She does not need to justify to me why she is doing so. She certainly didn't in the past. I would not have questioned or asked her why she is spending the night. It almost seems as if she is subconsciously seeking my approval, even though she does not need it, and made it clear in the past that she doesn't need my permission (and she's right).
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
MrBond - It's helping me because she is someone I can use for emotional support and advice. My W already read through my text message thread with her. It is clear that there is zero romantic interest from either side.
Speaking of which, since I gave her transparency on my mobile phone, I don't believe she has checked it even once. It seems she just doesn't care anymore, which doesn't bode well for me unfortunately.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
So we're going on a day trip tomorrow (me, W, S6, and D3). She asked if I'd take charge of all the day's plans, so I did. That's something she normally would do.
It seems as the days and weeks pass, our day-to-day lives have been slowly reverting back to pre-BD levels. I don't know. Maybe it's because I've been living this "new norm" for 2+ months now. Maybe it's because I've become numb to the thought of my wife being loved by another man, and spending nights with him 2 to 3 times a week. She schedules things around her trysts, as if it's just another normal event on her calendar.
"Oh honey, can you take the kids to the Johnson's BBQ lunch, I'm going to be out with OM".
Yeah, and she still calls me "honey", and I do the same.
This is the new normal, and it doesn't seem to faze me much anymore.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Wonka, I was being a little cheeky with that. The truth of the matter is, she approaches me somewhat cautiously whenever she tells me of her plans to spend time with the OM, and she never actually mentions him.
For example, she recently said "I'll be spending the day in the city and will be staying overnight because it will be very late by the time I come home".
I know it's obvious who she's spending the day with.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
"Except she blames me for the OMW worries. She has said, "We had her under control until you lit a fire under her"."
Well she is correct. You were the catalyst that got the OMW all riled up with your self-righteousness. There are ways of handling things without the slash and burn approach that you did. You "fearing" for her safety because of what the OMW might do is your fault. That's another hurdle you'll have to overcome in order to earn her trust.
How is this^^^ Not Obvious? It's basic.
I mean, others may have missed out on the "Scorch and burn" approach you used in your knee jerk anger, but it's the same thing you did when your wife caught you for the 3rd time in an affair.
Remember? You went to MC and she confronted you about your numerous adulterous affairs with paid escorts YOU were "self righteous" and YOU were "angry" and YOU were "defensive"....it was an amazing piece of hypocrisy that seemed to know no bounds.
Your wife never did that to you when you had multiple partners and affairs with your "escorts"....but it's your first line of reaction, (i.e. attack).
BTW, was the risk of STDs anything you considered? I'd think it must have scared your wife, especially if she were to get pregnant. You DO know that STD's cause miscarriages and birth defects? How would you have felt knowing that your "affairs" hurt or killed your own child? (Can you see what it must do to how a wife feels towards her h?)
Anyhow, if you continue to make progress, that's great. If not then that's that.
But please stop pretending it's ALL the "consequences of HER actions" b/c it AGAIN ignores your behavior, and you have done that for years....to the great detriment of your marriage and your wife's self esteem.
I'm very sorry she's having an affair, let alone with a married man.
But maybe the OM's wife's goal is trying to save her marriage, and NOT to hurt her h.
Besides, getting her h fired doesn't help HER or her children...geez, this is a mess partly b/c you keep hiding from your role & NOT changing yourself.
Please keep the self improvements focus on yourself and not your wife. Build up trust and build from that. When you feel critical of her, get out a mirror and work on yourself...she needs positives from you, which would be a marked change.
Does this make sense to you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
