How to Fling an Otter Across Two States

[LoisB]

Goals:

1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!

Specific Sub-Goals:
Have a reliable car I'm proud to drive by Christmas of 2014.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.

Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2481625&page=1

[LoisB]

Calling all Savvy Business Women OUT THERE!! Could use some coaching.

Here's a typical response that I've received from a realtor in the Watertown area when asked about properties with 2-3 bedrooms in the area where the paper wants me situated.

Hi Heather,
I have a few properties for rent, but the rent ranges from $1500-$2000. I will let you know if something becomes available in the $1000 per month range.

This is putting a lot of stress on me...because...I am dragging my kids (D12) to almost Canada and I refuse (after all we've been through) to take her to live in filth and depression...

Now, this company really, really, really wants me to live in the area where I will be serving...And, there's hardly a thing, except mobile homes, for rent within the figure I can afford...Most properties are for sale. I have made no secret of my discouragement with the rents in the area.

So, here I'm expending all this energy on trying to squeeze milk from a turnip when...the businesswoman in me says...Heather, you need to ask for more money to accommodate these high rents. I want my housing handled so I can throw myself into moving and setting up these new papers. I don't have time to fart around with ridiculous rents.

I found some properties would suit us, in the price range, but they are a county away...about 45 minutes from where I will be based...running my own office. I WANT to focus on putting things in place for this job/papers and NOT spend the next two weeks trying to find something that accommodates my small income.

In addition, I want to know that I can survive without scrimping on my own income...I have nothing, as of yet, on paper for Smokey's contribution...and, his track record is, well...not so great.

Should I ask for what I need? I think I already know the answer to this question.

I did send an email this morning to update the editor, publisher, and managing editor on my progress. I was honest about my troubles finding a place to live. I also informed them that I've been touching base with realtors and getting myself familiar with the community.

[LoisB]

Oh, and I let them know that I've downloaded the trial version the newest Quark and I've been studying the papers...etc...

I could explore the properties I like in the adjacent county and, then, when I wow them with my powers...I can ask for more money. It will mean being 45 minutes away from the office though...in a very snowy, snowy part of the country. These houses speak to me though...mainly because of the reduced cost and prettiness...

[Shining]

Hi, Heather, these are really tough and important decisions you have coming, and it seems you are really being smart about this.

I'm sure there are smarter business people on this board than me. But what I do know is this:

You ABSOLUTELY DO have to ask for what you need. And, more importantly... (Since I believe you and I have so much in common with our old beliefs and head-trash)

DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

I read so many self-help books on communication, went through motions, and thought I was doing all I was supposed to.... But my internal beliefs, body language and/or tone communicated I didn't deserve what I was asking, and I would not get the results. It falls in line with "acting as if". I acted "as if" you know, gosh, I know you probably don't want to give me this, and I can compromise and accept less, and scrape by because I've done it before, and I need this more than you need me....

I don't mean to infer that you are AT ALL as meek as I use to be. You are the opposite, from what I've read, so I hope you don't read it that way. But the fact that you're questioning whether to ask for what you need to be comfortable and safe with your family, raises the issue in my opinion. Easy to fall back into that mindset when we are facing uncertainty.

You're not demanding to live in the Taj Mahal.

Go in with a negotiating approach. 1. Here is what we agree on (job is a good fit for both me and company for these reasons, x,y,z). 2. Here is where we are a little bit apart (what they're offering to move, what you and your family need to be comfortable). 3. Here is what I need, and some possible solutions that we can both live with. 4. Are you willing to work with me on this, etc.

You're on SUCH a good track. I'm following you closely and learning daily....

((((Hugs)))))

[LoisB]

Thank you Shining! Hugs back atcha!! (((((((Shining))))))))

So, my dad stopped by. I just need to vent for a moment.

Told him that D20 was visiting sorority sisters 2 hours away. He says, "Wow, you guys are putting a lot of confidence into your old Jeep."

My reply, "Well, I haven't had much choice." Seriously, I'm not going to bypass a job interview because I can't afford a new vehicle right now.

After talking with my dad, it never ceases to amaze me how far removed from reality he is. In his own little world. I asked if we could use his racecar trailer to move in order to save costs on moving...his response...it's an open trailer...so, I guess that's a "No."

Dad: "Wouldn't it be easier to hire a moving company?"

Me: "Yes, dad, it would. But, I've been given $2,500 for moving costs and I will need to use that to secure a rental...at the rate I'm going, the rental will take up the majority of the relocation allowance."

I just want to scream, "DUH!"

Dick.

[LoisB]

Then, he gets into his new Caddy and drives away into La La Land.

I know I sound bitter, but, sometimes I just can't believe how Outta Touch he really is. He looks around disdainfully at the yard needing mowed, the flowers needing weeded...the enormous task I have in front of me and doesn't offer a single "How CAN I HELP?"

Self-absorbed, self-centered, self, self, self...No wonder I ended up with a self-centered b-stard.

[Shining]

Rrrggggg. Out of touch is right.

Also seems to be missing some listening skills. Although the history probably goes back too far to change things much.....

What happens when you use the same directness with your dad?

"Dad, I'm sure you know how big of a task I have in front if me. I am limited in my ability to pay for professional movers, etc. Since you have that trailer, And I have the need, I would really appreciate it if you let me use that for my move. Would you be willing to let me do that? "

Wishful thinking, and logic doesn't always apply, of course...

But in a perfect world.....

[Shining]

Then, he gets into his new Caddy and drives away into La La Land.

Lala land is becoming waaaaay overpopulated.

[LoisB]

Thanks Shining.

It's just frustrating. I know my dad has this idea that, to some extent, I deserve the situation I'm in. He looks at it very practically and sees all the ways I woulda, coulda, shoulda in the past 20 years. I know that.

It's just hard knowing that he blames me and honestly hasn't clue about the obstacles I've been up against. I've gotten good at asking for what I need from him in the past. Only now, he feels he gave at the office and he's done.

I will figure this out.

He said to me last week, "I think it will be good for you to gain a sense of accomplishment from all of this."...like I'm 15 or something...like I need to learn some life lessons. And, if he says, one more time, "If you can pull this off..." I'm gonna blow.

Where in the frack are HIS life lessons? I didn't cheat and lie...how come he gets the Caddy? I just need to let it out. It's so hard to watch him skip into the house, look his patronizing looks at the messes, make some idiotic remarks and, then, skip back to his life. It's really no wonder that I'm attracted to immature, selfish jerks. My dad's pic is in the dictionary next to the worlds, self-involved, clueless and full-of-himself.

Just need to vent.

Made another list of potential properties. Contacted more agents. Wish it wasn't Labor Day.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Have you ever actually come right out and asked Dad for help with the move?