Finding my way - part 5

[Eatsma]

Good questions....I'm wondering what the book would say.

I sort of am leaning towards putting the best foot forward, most positive light, blah blah blah....Because even if you DON'T mention the hard stuff, he knows you. He'll know it was there. And if you're not telling him about it, he'll feel the detachment. It's what he wanted, after all, but now he's wondering...is it?

So - show him the best you. The one that initially made his head turn.

[pilot]

Is there any danger in letting him think that I'm in much better shape than I actually am? For instance, will he think that I'm doing better without him, so it was okay for him to walk away?

No danger. This is what you are TRYING to convey. The purpose is to make him rethink. He knows you were a mess emotionally before he walked out. Now imagine his thoughts when he sees you are upbeat and happy. He is GOING to wonder why. What happened to make such a change? The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks about you. And if he thinks you are moving on without him, it takes CONTROL from him and he is no longer in the driver seat. Huge difference in how he handles himself.

I am not saying he will come running back because of well written email. But he will definitely wonder. As for how to convey PMA over email, you can do it with smiley faces, exclamation marks, etc. For example...

"OMG, you would not believe how crazy and awesome last weekend was when I went out with some new friends!!!

That conveys PMA, GAL, happiness, and mystery all in one simple sentence. And since it is an email, you are not put on the spot where you have to elaborate. If he replies asking for specifics, you can ignore it. He does not get details. He just gets to know you had an awesome fabulous time. If he wants details, then next time he can take you out and get details first hand.

[Meghan]

Thanks, Pilot - I only wish he'd take me out - he's currently hundreds of miles away and in a different country, which is part of the reason why this email feels like it carries so much weight.

[pilot]

Ok, so if everything is by email then definitely put that PMA, GAL, and mystery on display. Because once he reads that email, he will be alone with his thoughts and those thoughts will be on what he just read. Remember, the thing people want most is what they cannot have. Us LBS got in our predicaments in large part because we were so sure we could not lose our S. And once BD hit, and we no longer had our S, we wanted them back more than anything in the world. And for many, the day before BD, they were probably not all that happy with their S at that point either.

So putting thoughts into your H mind that HE may end up losing you on your terms, not his, will definitely get those wheels turning in his mind. And even if nothing comes out of this interaction right away, it helps change the tone of interactions for the future.

Best of luck!!!

[Meghan]

Okay, here's what I'm working with so far:

Hi H.,

I’m doing well – thanks for checking in. I’m gearing up for the start of school and really looking forward to teaching my new class. We’re also getting started on the big grant project, so things have been busy, but good – having funding to work with is pretty fantastic. I actually spent last week cat sitting for Helen, too, which was nice. I think I’ve ruined a lint brush trying to deal with the cat hair, but it was worth it for all the kitty cuddles – I’ve never met a snugglier cat.

How are things with you? I hope you’re doing okay, too.

Meghan


The bit about the grant research will be a surprise to him - I found out that I got it in the afternoon after he left, so he doesn't know I got it and this is awesome news that I hadn't shared with him.

Other than that, it is...

...too long?

...not positive enough?

...too specific, or does it include too many details?

...not mysterious enough?

Fee free to hit me with the two by fours. I can take it!

[pilot]

You need to throw in some GAL that includes other people...not just cats. The last thing you want is him to think you are already turning into the 'old cat lady'.

Even if you have to fudge a bit, throw in something that you did with your friends. For example, lets say you went and had coffee with a friend named Becky a few days ago. These are different ways you can tell that story, you pick which one you think best gives the impression you want to send him.

1. Becky and I went and had coffee Friday evening.
2. Becky and I were having coffee and telling me really funny stories.
3. I was having coffee with a friend Friday night and spent the night laughing.
4. I was out Friday night with someone and we had the best time!!! I have not laughed that hard in years! I think we are going out again this weekend.

See how from 1 to 4 the story gets a little better? 1 sounds pretty boring. 4 sounds like you had an awesome date, and you are hoping you get asked out again for the next weekend. It also makes him think who made you laugh harder than he has. In other words, it challenges his male ego.

Now obviously this was not your story, but I am sure you have something you have done recently you can work with.

[Maybell]

Meghan, I'm not in a good place right now but I wanted to stop in and see how you are. I think your email looks just right. But like I say, wait for someone else, because my perspective is utterly skewed.

I hope it gets you good results.

[pilot]

Try this out...

Hi H.,

I 'm doing great!!! Thanks for asking. I’m gearing up for the start of school and really looking forward to teaching my new class. We’re also getting started on the big grant project, so things have been busy and exciting! Having funding to work with is pretty fantastic. I have already met some really cool people and cannot wait to spend more time with them. Did I mention how excited I am?!?!

How are things with you? I hope you’re doing okay.

Meghan

[JCred]

Meghan,
PLEASE don't send that.
I have told you that your best plan is to do nothing right now.. However, it seems you aren't going to take that advice so let's at least get the response a little more mysterious...

Hi H.,

[s]I 'm doing great!!! Thanks for asking. I’m gearing up for the start of school and really looking forward to teaching my new class. We’re also getting started on the big grant project, so things have been busy and exciting! Having funding to work with is pretty fantastic. I have already met some really cool people and cannot wait to spend more time with them. Did I mention how excited I am?!?!

How are things with you? I hope you’re doing okay.[quote][/quote]
[/s]


If you are trying to show that you have moved on then you need to compose a reply not like a BS does, but like a Wayward does. This looks like a typical BS reply that you are trying to show how happy you are.......It looks way too fake and like you are overdoing it. (and you ARE)

Wayward's actually do it quite differently. They hold their cards close to their vests. Say very little. They don't go overboard on sounding happy. They give short responses and ask very little about you. They make it hard to read their emotions.

Go read DBinSF's posts. He was the one who had the affair.
Notice how his W has handled his situation. He is practically BEGGING her to take him back. She just sent him a short note about their gym membership and the thread has gone on all day on what that actually means!!! This is how they analyze when you hold back. Good God all this for just asking about a gym membership....


I recommend you answer something like this..

(don't use his name at the beginning, just start replying.)
(don't say thanks for asking)(don't ask how he is doing)

(After waiting a day or two)

Just got your email. (SHOWS you are busy which is why you wait a day or two)(when people aren't reading their emails every day others just have to assume they MUST be busy doing something out of the ordinary.)

I've been busy and actually quite happy and doing just fine. (says you are doing fine and the word "actually" is another way of saying "I think I have discovered I am happier without you since you never held a job and didn't do much else around here to contribute, plus the fact you had an affair and then left with barely a goodbye, who needs that?")

I'm just getting ready to head out.
Take care.


That's it... That's how a WS replies to emails from the BS.
That's being mysterious without looking like you are trying to be mysterious. That is what it looks like when a person HAS moved on. They don't really want to say a lot to someone they have no interest in. They just reply to be nice. And remember.. Always be nice..

[Meghan]

Thanks for the advice - I'm working on revisions right now.

Any thoughts on when I should respond? I don't want to miss the window of opportunity, but I also don't want to seem like I'm too eager and I wouldn't mind giving the impression that I'm busy with life and not checking email too often.