I am reading DB. I also read Sandi2's 37 rules, which have been working so far. The rest of the story is coming soon. I will try to post it tonight. Feel free to ask me any other questions. Godspeed!
UPDATE: I got home like around 6pm to find that she has already moved out!! She took everything that belonged to her, but also stuff that belonged to me. I never cried that hard and that long before. I really feel like somebody very close to me died. This hurts so much, so much loneliness and regretful feelings. Oh my wife, my beloved wife left, and it was my fault! I miss her and love her sooo much...
I will still post the rest of the story for all of you guys to understand the whole situation. This hurts...
Thanks all of you for your prompt responses. Here is part of the second incident. I will post more soon.
Two weeks after our formal wedding, my cousin was having her wedding. Due to the previous drama with my brother and SIL, the whole family was there except my wife and I. We went to the beach instead in order to clear our minds from all the drama, but I must confess that I wasn't very happy because my dad was in town (haven't seen him in over a year) and I couldn't spend enough time with him. Anyways, that morning she made breakfast for me, then I picked up the stuff to go to the beach (umbrela, chairs, etc). On our way to the beach she was enjoying a nice cocktail that she made, while talking about the way she was feeling, and also mentioned how she was still hesitant to fully open her heart and be vulnerable to me because she feared I was going to take her for granted and hurt her feelings. We finally arrived to the beach and it was very crowded. But then we had a very bad argument at the beach. That day she was being very emotional and vulnerable with things that she was expressing to me. Things from her past that I didn't know about. I listened to her carefully and with all my attention. She cried while she was talking about deep-rooted issues from her past. As time passed by, she decided to continue the conversation on the shore. But as we walked towards the shore, she asked me to go first and sit on the chair while she takes a minute in the water. I asked her "are you sure?", and she said "its ok" and smiled at me. So I told her "I will keep an eye on you then". 5..10..15 minutes has passed and she is still in the water. So I go to her and ask her how is she doing, but she was crying and saying "You abandoned me!!..You left me all by myself...now I know what kind of man u really are!!!"....to be continued..
(Cont.) ...You left me all by myself...now I know what kind of man u really are!!!"
I was very confused so I started reasoning with her; "What do you mean?" I said "We talked and you told me to give you a minute", but she said she never said that! She kept saying that I abandoned her, and kept pushing me away (there were ppl around us). So I decided to go back to the shore and start packing our stuff. She then walked to the shore and I met her half way with a dry towel (it was breezy and late..7pm). She then kept arguing and said something very hurting; "Now I know we should never been together!" At that point I was very upset, but tried to reason with her. There was ppl around us watching us, and when I kept trying to reason with her, she kept talking over me and turning her back at me. So I told her that I was going to sit down and wait for her at the chairs, and she said "Go, and prove to me that I am right about you...you are just like your f..ing family...just like your f..ing brother.." At that point I said to her "f..you!" and walked away. Now, I realized how wrong I was for saying such a horrible word to my beloved wife. And it was not the first time I used that word against her! So, at that point the argument turned against me because I said to her "f..you". Now things were getting very loud. My W asked me to leave and not to touch her stuff; "Go, go away, and don't touch my stuff!". So I grabbed my ID and CC (We went to the beach in her car) and walked away towards the parking lot. I called my pastor and told him about the situation, but while I was on the middle of the story, my W's best friend called me. She actually told my W to stop talking so much about herself and to "try to understand your husband's position of being detached from his immediate family" that came from 600 miles away just to see us getting "married again" and now I can't even share a moment with them. So her best friend called my W and then my W called me "Come and pick up the stuff and bring it to the car!".
How long had you known her before getting M? You had no idea that what she revealed about her past had happened? You never saw any odd behavior before the day at the beach?
It all sounds a bit strange to me, however I know there must be more to the story than what has been posted.
Back to the wedding, if your W and SIL had resolved their differences, why would you tell your brother that his W should not attend the wedding? Did you not know they had their problems worked out? Did he not know? Did it not come out during all the talk within the family? Perhaps you were referring to a different argument, IDK. It's confusing.
I hope she gets help with whatever happened in her past. Has she tried?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, regarding the wedding, ALL of the family knew that my W and SIL resolved their issues. It all happened 5 days before the wedding. My brother and SIL went to my aunt's house and we met them later to sit down and make peace between my W and SIL, and also for me and my bro to make peace as well. My aunt and uncle acted as mediators. Things got out of control because my SIL got upset and attempted to attack my wife during a heated argument between them on that exact day they reconciled. At the end, my wife went and hugged my SIL while telling her "I dont want u to be mad at me". Then my bro asked my wife if it was k for them to be part of the wedding party, to which my wife promptly replied 'yes'. Then right after that, my wife said that she always wanted her not to be part of the wedding party. Everything was going well.
Now fast forward to the rehearsal night. My wife got very upset because that night my SIL and bro didn't say hi to my wife when they came to the venue. She also got upset because my SIL kept texting during the rehearsal. Later on we found out that she was texting her mom who was recovering from a surgery in the hospital. Therefore, because of this two incidents, my wife asked me to go and tell my brother that his wife is no longer part of the wedding party. Also,my pastor recommended for me to defend my W and tell my brother the same thing. So thats why I told my brother about it. It was a collective decision made by our pastor, my W and I. It is not what I wanted to do, but she was already set on her decision. Hope this answer your questions regarding the wedding. For the beach incident, ill provide the rest of the story very soon.
EDIT: Wait wait... I have made a big Typo. In the sentence that says
" Then right after that, my wife said that she always wanted her NOT to be part of the wedding party. Everything was going well.",
the word NOT was not supposed to be there. It should read
" Then right after that, my wife said that she always wanted her to be part of the wedding party. Everything was going well."
I apologize for the misunderstanding. It was late and I was exhausted. I hopeI dont cause more confusion. The final part of the story is going to be posted soon. Have a blessed day.
This doesn't make much sense to me. How was your marriage before you were remarried with friends and family? What complaints did your W have? What were you unhappy with? What did she confess that was so horrible?
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
This is the last section of the second incident. Please refer to the posts of 08/09/14.
(cont) So her best friend called my W and then my W called me "Come and pick up the stuff and bring it to the car!". So I went and picked up the stuff, except her personal bag. I asked her if she would meet me at the car so she can open it and I can put all the stuff in the trunk, but she said nothing. She was staring at the water. So I told her that I will pick up the stuff and bring it to the car as she asked me to. She never came to the car. Her best friend called again and we spoke for 40 mins and she said she tried to call her but my W didnt answer. So I hid the chairs and umbrella under the front of the car (remember that she had the keys) and went to the beach to look for her. I found her standing on the shallow water and looking at the horizon. I apologized again to her about the FU word, but she started arguing. We kept arguing and then she walked away along the shore. I followed her and tried to reason with her, but she would not listen, then walked away again. So I stopped following her. At that point I called my cousin. I called him earlier to let him know about the situation, but I asked him to please not to tell anybody in the family. I also told him to wait to see if I can fix the situation with my wife first. Throughout the whole argument my W said to me "do not touch my stuff...get away from me...etc. I asked him if he could pick me up, and he said "off course". I walked to the parking lot to make sure the stuff was still there, and it was. Then my W called me and said "Come and find me in the beach!". I had no idea where she was. So I went and found her, but she was even more pissed off than before. It turns out that my mother texted her the following message; "Why do you insist on hurting my son, whose only desire is to love you?". At that point I knew that my family found out about this mess. I explained my W that I never called my mother, but that I called my cousin so he can pick me up because she (my W) didn't wanted me to be near her or to touch her stuff. Then she yelled at me and said "You stupid! now you gave your family even more weapons against me!". I apologized to her and I said that I really didn't wanted this to happen. At that point my mother called me and asked me what was going on. According to my mother, she thought that my W hit me and drove away and left me stranded. I clarified to her that that was not the case; "she is still here and she hasn't hit me". So I went back to my W and she was so upset with me, crying and saying "why did you do this to me!...why would you put your family against me?". I again asked for forgiveness for telling her "f..u" and for the fact that the family knew what was going on with us at the beach.
At that point she started saying things like "it is not worth it anymore, I would like to end this here and now!...There is no purpose for me to live anymore!". I started getting worried, but it got worse when she said "I don't want to live anymore..there is no point of being alive!". Then she started to walk towards the water. Keep in mind that now it is 11:00pm and we are at the beach, completely dark! I kept her from going to the water, then she said "Stop acting like you care about me!...you only cared about you and your f..ing family!." But I still made sure she wasn't going to hurt herself. She also said "if I dont do it now, I will do it later at home!." Then she sat on the shore and handed me her car keys and told me to leave. Off course, I stayed right next to her. But it was now 12:30 am and she was sitting down with her head down without saying anything. The only thing she said was "I will end this tonight, just go away and dont worry about me!...I always loved to die in the ocean, because I like the sea..." Now, I have no idea what else to do or to say, because she was not listening to me at all. I was talking and she was silent, or she talked over me. It was like I wasn't there! So I warned her; "Baby, please lets go home. Lets talk about this in the car and/or at home. Is late and we both need to rest. We can talk on our way home..." But she didn't replied. After 30 minutes I told her "Listen, you are talking about suicide, and I wont let that happen. So if you do not respond to me, I will call 911 and let them know of your thoughts." She said "I dont care anymore". So after several minutes trying to reason with her, I called 911; "Yes, my W has made suicidal expressions...we are at the beach..." Then they asked for her description and name, but I declined to give that information. Then my W stands up and says; "You dumb f..ck!...you are gonna get me in trouble at work!...they are very picky with the employees' mental health!..." So she snatched the phone from my hand and spoke with the dispatcher; "Im his W, and I apologize for everything. I am ok, but my husband has been drinking and is being emotional..." So now I am supposedly drunk (I only had one beer the whole day!) but I let her do it and I spoke with the lady and admitted that I was being emotional (but not drunk). At that moment, my W raises her hand like she was going to hit me, so I said "(W'S NAME), no! Dont you dare to hit me!!" So now 911 has her name, what a mess!! After that, the dispatcher told my W to go to the cops in the parking lot so they can debrief her and me, so we can close the case. At first she agreed but as we walked towards the parking lot she had second thoughts and preferred not to talk to the cops. She kept cursing at me all the way to the parking lot; "You dumb f..ck! Wtf is wrong with you?...are u stupid?...Now you have built a case against me, and they will find out at work!..." We then started to drive home. We were 1.5 hours away from home. She kept arguing and telling me not to yell at her and not to use curse words. So I stopped the car at a parking lot and I told her how I felt. I told her that I am tired of her irrational behavior in public, because it happened before even in front of the family, at church, at restaurants, etc. So she then said "I'm sorry for everything that happened". She was still very upset tho. So I kept driving home, but she didn't said a word at all. Once we got home I told her that I still wanted to leave for just that night. It was 2:30am. We entered the apt and headed to the bathroom. She then said "I dont want to change your mind, but please dont leave...". She referred to an incident that happened a week earlier in which she wanted to leave me forever but I convinced her to stay and work things out. It took me 2 hours to convince her, and around 40 minutes of me staying under the rain (while she was in her car) in order to convince her. Then she asked me to get in my knees or else she will leave, and I did. But back to the story, I asked her two questions: "Do you love me?" She said "yes", and "Do you respect me?", she replied "yes", then I said "Then please let me go for tonight, and I will be back tomorrow afternoon. I promise!". So I grabbed some clothes and left. It was 2:30 am, and I headed to my aunt's house, where my parents were staying for the night. I texted her before going to sleep, but she never replied. That morning I woke up at 9am and texted her again, but no response either. So I spoke with my aunt and uncle and my parents about the incident. They all thought that my W hit me and drove away. I clarified this with them because she never hit me nor left me stranded at the beach. After this I called my W (it was 12pm'ish) and she didn't replied. Then I called again and she finally picked up the phone. I asked how was she doing, she replied "Sup? I'm doing fine...". I asked her if she wanted to talk, but she said she wasn't home. So I told her that I will be home during the afternoon or probably later. So later that day I received a call from a mutual friend (he still communicates with me) because he wanted to talk to me. I told him my side of the story but not the full version of it. We spoke for an hour and a half. He basically told me to man up and put my family on their place, and not to let them dictate my life. I kind off agreed with him, knowing that it wasn't all my family's fault. I then went in the apartment and she was laying in bed. I said hi to her and asked how she was doing, she said "fine". I asked if we could talk, but she declined the offer. So I went sleep in the sofa that night (and stayed there for almost 2 months!). She didn't said anything during that day or the next day. Then the next day she came from work and started packing her stuff. I then stopped her and asked her if she could please talk to me. She finally broke the silent and started talking. She said that I abandoned her and ran to my family, and that I preferred my family knowing how they felt about her (my W). She also said that I left her after she begged me to stay, and that I keep involving my family in our business. She said that I left everybody in my family to enter our marriage and "abuse" her over and over while I was watching and doing nothing about it. The finally she said that she wanted a divorce and that she has a petition of Dissolution of Marriage. I cried so hard because she seemed so convinced on finishing our marriage. According to her that was the only way out because "there is too much damage done". I told her that my family knows that what happened at the beach wasn't as bad as they thought, and that they may still upset because of what happened at the wedding rehearsal night and not because of the incident at the beach. But she said that there is no more hope. She said "I love you, but I love me more." From that day on, hell fell upon our lives.
