I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. You're grieving the might have been. You're grieving the guy who opened up enough for you to actually have something to respond to and you're grieving the chance to make things great.
I'm sending you hugs, Ggrass. I wish I could do more.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
My second thought it my feeling of guilt and stupidity.
Given the childish stuff I've seen of late from h and his family, I just never saw the stupid games I was drawn into. I cannot believe I was so naive and stupid.
Bangs head on the table! Ponders how much gas the zippo has!
Please do be aware I would never give any human the power of life an death, I am in now way sucidal.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I just can't shake the guilt, that I should have done something.
Then the something wasn't good enough, when I did try it. I was a lot of the time left in the no win place. Just I suppose a low day, and I haven't had one for so long I thought they were a thing of the past!
I seem to know in the non emotional part of my head, it's too late to change but the emtional bits seem to not care today. They seem to be driving the bus again.
Oh and I don't see the iPad has auto corrected me. On the sucide bit. I would never take my,own life, the lighter thing has been my minds oicture.
It was based on a quip of I might burst into flames if I ever found myself having to be Nekid or intimate with a man.
The anxiety it huge and something I have never ever had ever.
Last edited by Ggrass; 08/16/1403:40 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
My IC says, if you're not done it's not over. If you weren't going to feel emotional about losing him then there was no point in being together in the first place.
But did you say holding the zippo the same way others say holding the rope?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It's more about moving on, if someone asked me out I think I might feel so anxious I might burst into flames! Spontaneously combusting.
Then a couple of us quipped maybe just douse our selves in lighter fluid and light the old zippo lighter, you know the sort gangsters have large Nekid flame and all.
In my case, I haven't been looked back at, h just wants a nice friend as he has a soul mate! There is nc period, unless I call him and take his rubbing my face in his new life.
Me personally I just cannot do it, it was absolutely killing who I was and keeping me stuck. I've left contact to him and he hasn't even noticed, cared or contacted.
He also refused to take my call when I had an emergency, he had a text stating it was urgent. So I feel he's walked never to return.
There is no us, just me!
I waiver between wanting to be alone forever and Find a nice person who may value me.
Today I never want to leave the farm again! It's where I am happiest.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Ok so badly written but yes, someone who maybe will see the values I have and unlike in the past actually appreciate them.
Even tho at bd, h said its never to late to make amends, he didn't seem to value the amount of risk it took. I need some one who can appreciate a person who can stand up and take a risk, not devalue it.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
