Mindsink - Part 2

[mindsin]

I know what you mean Wonka. I nearly fell into that trap early on where I felt I was starting to become her "gay boyfriend". She shared with me A LOT about him, his family, and their relationship.

I cut that off shortly after and established the following boundaries.

1. No texting/e-mailing/calling in front of me or the kids.

2. No bringing OM to the house.

3. No discussions about the status of her relationship with the OM (I don't want to hear about it). Of course, if she has been hurt or is in danger (and the OM is involved), let me know.

4. No exposing our children to the OM.

[mindsin]

After another DB coaching session (yesterday)

I got my DB coach up to speed on the latest developments. Here are the key takeaways:

1. She thought the apology on Monday night was a fantastic step in the right direction.

2. If she shows positive response to making dinner/breakfast for her, continue. But don't smother her. Keep doing what works. It's OK to let her know that I'm trying to win her back. She would expect nothing less anyways, so don't try to pretend I'm not.

3. Do not mention any concerns about bringing OM to the house while on vacation. Do not ask when I return. Show her trust.

4. No "I miss you" or anything of the sort while on vacation. Focus on how good of a time I'm having and the kids are having.

5. Stop having "deep" conversations with her FIL. Language barrier has led to misunderstandings. Despite what I think he may be telling me, his allegiance will always be with his daughter first.

[mindsin]

Need advice on splitting finances

My W has previously suggested that we maintain our joint account for family-related expenses, but also open our own accounts for our personal spending.

I thought a lot about this and want to tell her that she is free to setup her own account. I am not going to. I will continue to deposit 100% of my income into our family account. I will watch my spending accordingly and I'll give her full transparency to all of my credit card accounts.

I consider this another step to earning back trust, but I don't want to appear confrontational either.

Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

[mindsin]

Optionally, I can agree to the personal checking account, but give her my username/password to offer transparency.

[mindsin]

I never did reply to her e-mail regarding the bank accounts, and she didn't bring it up again. She can probably sense that I am uncomfortable taking any forward actions towards separation or D.

This morning, I sat next to her as she was just waking up on the couch and initiated conversation. That probably wasn't a good idea. She looked so beautiful just lying there and I felt I needed to be near her. I know, bad BAD BAD!

We made some friendly small talk (about the upcoming vacation, etc) then our daughter woke up and sat on my lap.

I realize that was a bad move on my part. Detaching is really hard for me, especially with her living in the same house and acting (on most days) like everything is normal.

[mindsin]

Well, I'm off to have dinner with the W and kids (on her suggestion), and then I'll be away on vacation for 10 days.

This will be a good chance for me to take some positive steps forward in detachment.

I plan on simply saying goodbye to my W, wish her well, and maybe a kiss on the forehead (I'll play that one by ear).

25, MrBond, if you could scan through my past several posts and offer any additional words, I'd appreciate it.

Otherwise, I'll hopefully post again on the other side of 10 days from now. Hopefully between now and then, there will be no real major developments which would entice me to post here.

Thanks everyone.

[mindsin]

Back from the trip

It's been 12 days since my last post. Here is a summary of updates.

1. While I thought for sure that she'd spend as much time as possible with the OM while she's alone, evidence is to the contrary. I'm not sure why. Also, no evidence to suggest the OM was at our house. She did spend quite a bit of time with her parents.

2. We kept in touch daily (often many times a day). It was mostly so she could talk to the kids. I sent her photos regularly and always received positive responses.

3. She got a job offer at another company and she will be leaving her current job shortly.

4. The OM will be leaving out of state (2000 miles away) to start his job in 4 weeks.

5. The OMW contacted her to basically thank her. She believes strongly in fate and her husband's A with my W indirectly led to an early detection of cancer in her father which she is grateful for. This was all that my W told me about their conversation, and I didn't ask any other questions about it.

6. When I returned from the trip, she appeared genuinely happy to see me, although she did not give me a hug or anything like that. She did say good night to me and touched my hand. I know, small body language gesture, but I'll take what I can get.

7. She also said to me that the cruise that we booked for November is still on. Days after BD, she said that the OM will be going on the cruise with her. Weeks after, she said we will be canceling it. Now she's backed all the way to saying that we're still going on it, as originally planned 8 months ago. When I asked why she changed her mind, her response was, "I haven't gone away at all this year (on vacation) and I need a break."

[MrBond]

That interaction with the OMW is weird. Sorry. But it is.

[mindsin]

It is weird, but based on what little I know about the OMW through our few conversations that we've had, she was questioning whether or not she wanted her H back about 6 weeks ago. I think she may have reached the point where she's finally letting go. Of course, this is just me taking a guess. For all I know, the OMW could have reached out to my W just to get a temperature check on their A, and to get a feel for my W's personality. This is the first time they have ever spoken.

The whole "I'm calling to thank you" bit may have simply been to get my W to put her guard down.

[MrBond]

Don't mindread the OMW's motives. No sense in trying to make sense of nonsense.