I still care about my W and if her OM ever hurt her I would have a problem with it of course but she isn't asking those type questions of me.
If she did my response, I think, would be something along the lines of "why are you asking is he hurting you now? If you have to ask that question why are you with OM? It is your choice to be with who you want so there are consequences to all choices, I hope all will be fine but I have no control over the choices you have made."
Again with OMW worries, your W made a choice and must now live the consequences of that choice.
I understand having some fears about threats but you have no control unless those threats start to be against YOU. Till then don't say anything to her about these fears.
just my 2 cents
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Again with OMW worries, your W made a choice and must now live the consequences of that choice.
Except she blames me for the OMW worries. She has said, "We had her under control until you lit a fire under her".
It makes me wonder, is that the same thing she's doing to me? Keeping me under control? I suppose it only makes natural sense that she doesn't want me interfering in her A.
And this is another example of why one shouldn't try to mind read in situations like this.
"Is she being genuine, or is she trying to manipulate me?"
I could go nuts trying to micro-analyze her every move.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
The "we" she is talking about is not you and W, it is her and OM.
She can't control you, You made to choice to expose so now you are living with it(not necessarily in a bad way).
She will blame you for everything so who cares if she is worried about OMW? are you?
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
The "we" she is talking about is not you and W, it is her and OM.
She can't control you, You made to choice to expose so now you are living with it(not necessarily in a bad way).
She will blame you for everything so who cares if she is worried about OMW? are you?
Yup, her and the OM.
I am not worried about the OMW, but I have played out various scenarios in my head. My mind tends to go wild like that (with most things, not just this).
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I know I do the same things sometimes, not as much anymore but sometimes.
I do my best to let it drop. because it won't turn out like I thought it would anyways.
Hang in there!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
"Except she blames me for the OMW worries. She has said, "We had her under control until you lit a fire under her"."
Well she is correct. You were the catalyst that got the OMW all riled up with your self-righteousness. There are ways of handling things without the slash and burn approach that you did. You "fearing" for her safety because of what the OMW might do is your fault. That's another hurdle you'll have to overcome in order to earn her trust.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So W and I had another talk last night. She first asked how I was doing. I told her that I'm feeling pretty much the same as I did weeks ago and I'm continually trying to sort things out internally.
She acknowledged and understood and replied, "This is a real emotional toll on me as well." I validated by saying, "I can understand that must be hard on you."
She then opened up a conversation regarding the situation without actually going into the details of it.
She says, "You know me. I'm a planner. But for the first time in my life, I really have no plan for this. I'm surrendering myself to the spontaneity of the situation. Every day is a challenge and my feelings change. I have no idea where my relationship with [OM] will end up. Sometimes I think it's just too much and I feel like giving up."
She continued, "I told [OM] the other day, 'let's just have the four of us (meaning, me + W, OM + OMW) sit down and discuss this like adults so we can all be on the same page. Just lay everything out on the table."
I replied, "You know that can never work."
She says, "Yeah, [OM] said the same thing. He says you will always hate him and she (OMW) will always hate me."
I continued, "I'm scared of what the future will hold. But all I know is that I care for you deeply, and I will give you all the space and time you need for you to go on this journey and find out who you are and what you want out of life. By doing so, it will allow me to sort out the same. Unlike yourself, I am not a planner, I very much embrace the spontaneity of this and I will let it take me wherever fate decides to take it."
She also talked about future family (her side) gatherings and said, "I don't want to end up like [cousin & his ex-wife]. I see no reason why you can't attend at least some of my family's gatherings." Her cousin and ex-wife divorced last year and it was VERY nasty (and still is).
This was a different tune than what she said to me weeks ago about how I will never see her family again and that I won't be invited to any of her family gatherings.
She then segwayed into talking about some relationship advice she heard on a radio talk show. She said, "the key to sustaining love is to set aside your own notions of happiness, and directly ask your partner what makes them happy. Go into specifics, and then take action. Be very prescriptive about exactly what you want your partner to do and be completely open and honest about it."
She continued, "I've been telling you for years what I wanted."
This is true, and I rarely delivered, allowing my ego get in the way. I also realized that most times when I tried telling her what I wanted, she would reject the idea. I didn't go there, and simply listened.
She then went on about a conversation she had with her friend. "[Friend] told me, 'I've known you for a long time, and no offense, but you can be a b!tch sometimes and you're a really hard person to get along with. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're not the right girl for him (me)'. I think we're really incompatible."
I replied, "Think about what you're suggesting. You're the type of person who will disown a friend if they ever wrong you. Yet, you've stayed with me for 19 years. It took you two decades to decide we're not compatible? Besides, compatibility is something you look for when you're dating -- not when you've been with someone for 19 years. It's those very things about you that you see as incompatibilities that I fell in love with. I think everything that happened in our marriage has a solution. It's fixable. The only thing that may not be fixable is the trust that I've broken through my infidelity."
She replied, "I will always hate you for what you did to me, but I will always love you for the person I shared half my life with and for the wonderful father you are to my children."
She continued, "I'm not perfect. I think a lot of my character traits were incompatible with yours, and I may have pushed you into the wrong direction."
Note: This is the FIRST time she's ever even come CLOSE to acknowledging that she had a hand in contributing to the demise of our marriage.
She then left to go spend the night with the OM. About 20 minutes after she left, she sends me a text message "Thanks, my old friend".
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Wonka - I am not OK with it. But I'm not going to push her. I need to let the A take its course.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
You know you can set a boundary on the no-OM affair. Setting boundaries is for your own protection.
For me, it was not talking about the OW or even acknowledging her at all. Also stated very clearly that she was not permitted to be around or come in the house.
You don't want to become your wife's gay boyfriend.
