Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
So I had a talk with my W last night. She was tired, but was in a good mood. I sat her down and opened up like this (not verbatim):
"I thought a lot about what happened over the weekend and the conversations that took place. I've had a couple of days to really digest and reflect. First and foremost, I want to apologize for divulging intimate family matters with another woman. I also want to apologize for doing so behind your back.
Next, I want to apologize for getting angry at you snooping through my phone. I have no right to demand such privacy after my repeated breaches of trust over the years."
She replied, "Why the change of heart"?
I said, "I came to the realization that I have a lot of work to do in addressing my past betrayals. Until I can address that, I have no business trying to address what's currently going on. I have no business demanding ANYTHING from you at this point."
I continued, "Despite the fact that you may not care, it is important to me to rebuild at least a little bit of trust back from you. I think the first step to doing that is giving you full access to my phone. I have changed the password on it (I told her the password -- something she can easily remember). I am not asking you to check my phone. I am simply providing you transparency and accessibility. You can feel free to ask me anytime, even if you see me on it. Just say 'can I see your phone' and I will hand it over no questions asked. I'd like to start taking baby steps to earn back some of your trust, but I will leave it up to you to do so. Ok?"
She simply nodded and said, "Ok." (with a little grin/smile)
While I was talking to her, I saw her eyes swell up a little, but she did not cry.
We then segwayed into a conversation about our day and about the kids. It was short and friendly. We then said good night and she left to go sleep on the couch.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
During that week (after she 1st snooped on my phone), she basically dropped clues and hints to see if I'd confess.
She was testing me to see if I changed, and came to the realization that I haven't.
Is there anything I should take away from that? (good, bad, or indifferent)
The thing that I'm still struggling to understand is: Why would she even care if I changed or not? If she simply saw something on my phone and was upset about it, why not just call me out on it right away? Why go through a week of dropping hints and clues?
Any thoughts?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I'm proud of you for your courage in speaking with your W about some of your issues. That is an important first step toward re-building trust in the M. Keep going!
^^ agreed! And, while we hold out hope to repair our M, the honest truth is that it may not happen that way. But the silver lining is that, if you do the work on YOU, you have a much better chance of having a successful R in the future-- hopefully with your W, but if not, with someone else.
DB may or may not save your M, but as I was told (and have experienced), it WILL save you.
" Why would she even care if I changed or not? If she simply saw something on my phone and was upset about it, why not just call me out on it right away? Why go through a week of dropping hints and clues?
Any thoughts?"
It's what we've been telling you all this time. She WANTS honesty from you. She may not want a M with you, but the trust is a big thing. You have to start establishing that first before anything else.
Good job on FINALLY opening up to her.
See what happens when you STOP thinking of yourself and start thinking of her? See what happens when you STOP RUG SWEEPING?
That was probably the most honest she has ever seen you been.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yup. Thank you MrBond (and 25). I'm finally starting to understand the point you two are trying to get across to me. (Starting to -- I'm still not all the way there yet. It will take time.)
I really hope the "Believe none of what she says and only 50% of what she does" is true, because she's said some really scary and absolute things to me on Saturday. I have to maintain perspective and realize that those things were said in the heat of her recent discovery of my latest breach of trust, and my thick-headed defensive stance that followed the next day.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
" Why would she even care if I changed or not? If she simply saw something on my phone and was upset about it, why not just call me out on it right away? Why go through a week of dropping hints and clues?
Any thoughts?"
It's what we've been telling you all this time. She WANTS honesty from you. She may not want a M with you, but the trust is a big thing. You have to start establishing that first before anything else.
Good job on FINALLY opening up to her.
See what happens when you STOP thinking of yourself and start thinking of her? See what happens when you STOP RUG SWEEPING?
That was probably the most honest she has ever seen you been.
THIS^^^^^ MAKES SENSE TO ME....^^^ AND IT's NOT COMPLICATED...so,
Stay the course, Be Honest and
have Zero expectations of her, for now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Last night, we were behaving like a happy family. I know deep down that it can be like this ALL THE TIME if I do my part as a good man and a good husband. At the same time, I know that she has many wounds that never healed which she carries with her (and has been carrying with her for years).
What I've also learned over this time is that we are great domestic partners and great parental partners. It's a shame that it has come to this. I can sense the clock ticking. These are the final days of us as a family in this house. Very sad.
I made breakfast for her this morning. She was happy about it. We both wished each other a good day and left.
She's also spent the last two nights at home. I was happy about that, but it could simply be due to circumstances (e.g. if OM is traveling) and I'm not going to ask.
Occasionally, she's asked me, "if [OM] hurts me, what are you going to do?"
I always reply, "I'm gonna kill him (jokingly)". We've exchanged this friendly banter off and on again since BD. I think in some way, she still sees me as someone who will protect his W and family.
My W worries about the OMW trying to destroy her career. I try to validate her feelings, but at the same time, tell her that if she had that intention, she would have done so by now (she is friends with her H's boss -- who doesn't know the situation). She has e-mail records, chat trascripts, and hotel receipts that provide evidence of the A. She's had this evidence since late May. She could easily go to her (H's boss) and spill the beans.
I have bigger fears -- physical threats/violence, extortion, kidnapping, murder. I don't know what OMW (or any of her friends/relatives) are capable of doing. I'm not sure if I should share these fears with my W. She might think I'm crazy myself.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
