Hmmm.. it seems he wants to go but wants to stay. Seems like a lot of conflict, and while you are this close, you catch the flak of his spinning back and forth.
The thing is, he's going to do what he does regardless of the proximity. The question is more about you and how you handle it and what you want. You obviously want him. He seems to want both you and something as yet to be understood.
Don't beat yourself up, Ats. This kind of crazy is to be expected. But detach yourself from the outcome. The day to day is much easier to tolerate if you can do that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you AJ. He's very confused and very much still in replay hidden deep in those tunnels.
I'm so conflicted regarding the physical relationship. I do very much want it and obviously he has decided he does too. I've read that men need the physical to make the emotional connection, where we women are reversed. I guess I feel if I meet his physical needs, that he will reconnect with me, but I also understand in MLC world, normal rules don't apply.
I am taking it one day at a time because they are so different from one another. H picked up d9 to have a day with just her and he was in a good mood, asking how I slept. I figured he'd be pulled back and reserved...expectations were nonexistent, so it was a nice surprise.
Continue to do for me today. Football game was cancelled, but kids will be going to mil tonight. Maybe I'll pick up a hot date at the video store with some cute actor
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Hi Ats, I'm so sorry about all the pain. I really do understand that hurt. I want to say something and please don't take it the wrong way. As a man, I cringe when I hear talk about the "male needs". Men do not "need" the physical any more than women. That is just a fallacy that many men use to justify bad behavior. Many men are very good at separating sex from emotion. The fact is most women equate sex with love, much more then men. He is wrong to seek sex from you while at the same time throwing away your M. We men don't "need" the physical to have the emotional connection, the physical (when with someone we truly care about) is an extension of the way we feel. The fact that he got "rough" is also bothersome. To me, that shows a lack of intimacy, a lack of anything but his enjoyment and control. That he is in a "good mood" may just be because he feels because you were willing that he is still "in control" and let's face it, for most of the MLCers it's all about them wanting control! It is all over the boards in 99% of the cases we read here. They all feel that they are out of control, whether because of the fact that they are older or someone close has died or gotten sick or just that their life isn't what they expected it to be, they are desperate to find some way to gain back control over their lives, and us.
Be honest with yourself when you answer this....how did you feel after? Did you feel loved and cared about? Appreciated and wanted? Did you do it only in hopes that by meeting his physical needs that he would start to reconnect?
You know your sitch better than anyone, you know what YOU want as well. But please make sure that anything you do (including ML) isn't something that you really don't want but a means to an end that may not make a difference.
Hang in there Ats, you are going to get through this no matter what happens with H. We're here for you and we all care.
Thank you Matt! It is nice to hear the male perspective, and last night was the first time it was rough. It did scare me and I felt used this time. He was a bundle of nerves the evening before. After I stopped him, it did change, but not to what we had before.
"Be honest with yourself when you answer this....how did you feel after? Did you feel loved and cared about? Appreciated and wanted? Did you do it only in hopes that by meeting his physical needs that he would start to reconnect? "
I felt horrible and used, no love this time. I think I did do it in hopes of reconnecting, but I also did it for me because I wanted to. The last time there was more love and care, so I guess my expectations were there...I know, no expectations.
Today he is being nice. His plans changed a bit and d9 wanted to go to a bday party instead of the movies with him. He just left and asked if I needed anything while he was out...again this is a change for him. I thanked him and said no.
Currently he is texting me about clothing at a sports store. Searching for happiness in clothes...sometimes I wonder if he isn't part woman! This is something old H would do, ask for my opinion with clothing ideas. Today must be a clear day.
No expectations. I really need to search my soul about the physical boundary. Maybe God could chime in! Is He on these boards...lol.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Hi Ats, The reason I posted what I did was because I had a feeling you felt used by the tone of your post. Be careful Ats. I know how much you want your M to work, believe me. I just know how much hurt that the MLC can cause. They are selfish and entitled and will take without a thought to the pain they cause you or anyone else. Just protect yourself and your heart.
Stay true to YOU Ats...no compromising yourself for him or the marriage.
Very, very wise words Heather.
Ats, don't compromise yourself. No matter how things turn out, you still have you to live with. If you compromise, you may regret it later and that is really not the point of this opportunity at all.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Matt, Shining, Lois, and AJ...thank you. You are right. I was thinking about it a little more and maybe I'm doing this because I want him to be closer. My line of thinking is screwed up. I know it isn't true, but if I'm physical with him, he won't seek it elsewhere...which I know is a lie, because I've read about it all over these boards!
Yesterday when the kids were at a bday party, H had d9 and I had s10. We dropped them off and went our separate ways. I had forgotten my phone and didn't feel like driving home for an hour. I went picked up a few videos and stopped to see my parents for a few. During this time, H tried to call me a million times and wanted to ask me to lunch. I missed the opportunity, but I'm thankful I didn't have my phone because instead of being "mysterious" I would have gone with him.
With the kids at mil, doing for me today will be easy. Plus no H to deal with until he brings the kids home, when you ask, I don't know, my H is in MLC and those things don't matter! Had to get that out, can't yell at H!!!
Hiking may be out, supposed to storm all day. Poor PGA guys! It is kind of neat to listen to the commentators talking about local things on there...not that I care for golf, but H had it on while I was doing homework.
Off to complete homework and be done with this class! Come on A
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
