Mindsink - Part 2

[mindsin]

Just reading your issue with dinner. ... stop calling her and pursuing asking when .. ETA ... all that .. just cook, if she makes it home and eats great .. if not pack that stuff up in the fridge and let her help herself if she is hungry. that would be a good 180 for you IMHO
I know its hard ... I cooked for the family for years with her gone it removed that issue, I made alot of those types of mistakes early on and wished I would have found this place, the books, and all the advice 7 months ago I might be much further along than where I am now, I had windows to pull some strong positives but did not have the tool box ... you do ... USE IT

Good Luck.

Great suggestion CaliGuy. I appreciate it!

With me though, I've rarely cooked dinner for the family. I started doing so as a way to show her that I appreciate the long hours that she's working to help support the family and she shouldn't have to worry about what to eat when she comes home at night.

You're right. I should simply tell her that I'm making [whatever] tonight. If she doesn't come home in time, then she has leftovers she can take to work for lunch, etc.

[MrBond]

"Am I supposed to simply ignore the fact that she is actively cheating on me right now? I'm approaching it no differently than anyone else whose wife has betrayed him. If you want to tag me as "hypocritical" due to my past, then fine. But I'm not the one who is engaging in infidelity right now."

This part stands out. The issue is that alot of this stemmed from your infidelity which you seemed perfectly fine with when you were in it. The problem is that you seem to come down 10x's harder down on her for this one affair with a guy who she feels respects her, when you had multiple A's and she didn't go after you with the same intensity as you are now.

It really does seem like you have a do as I say and not as I do attitude when it comes to her A. Unlike your A's, you pretty much pushed her into her one by sweeping things under the rug and not truly understanding her POV.

[mindsin]

This part stands out. The issue is that alot of this stemmed from your infidelity which you seemed perfectly fine with when you were in it. The problem is that you seem to come down 10x's harder down on her for this one affair with a guy who she feels respects her, when you had multiple A's and she didn't go after you with the same intensity as you are now.

But the key factor here is timing. I had an addiction to escorts/massage parlors, which I ended three years ago.

If a former gang member warns younger kids in his neighborhood about joining a gang, does that make him a hippocrite?

She didn't go after me with the same intensity? I'm coming down 10x harder? How do you know that?

Besides, the difference is, I showed remorse after each time I got caught. I told her I would stop. I never had intentions of leaving my wife or breaking apart my family. I was simply cake eating. I still wanted to be her husband and I wanted desperately to stop. I just didn't know how. I didn't realize the amount of pain I was causing her. In no way am I excusing what I did though.

She's saying, "I'm in an affair, and I'm not going to stop. If you don't like it, too bad." Do you not see the difference, because it's clear as day to me.

You could certainly say that my past actions led to her current action. That's fair. But at the end of the day, engaging in an affair and deciding to continue the affair is a conscious adult decision.

It really does seem like you have a do as I say and not as I do attitude when it comes to her A. Unlike your A's, you pretty much pushed her into her one by sweeping things under the rug and not truly understanding her POV.

You mean, "do as I say, and not as I DID". Big difference.

While I agree that my past led to her having this affair, it was still her choice to make.

You seem to believe that affairs are excusable. They're not -- not hers, and certainly not mine.

I've apologized for my past mistakes. I'm not asking for an apology from my wife. Maybe I was before, but not anymore. I'm done playing the blame game. I've accepted the circumstances as they are and I'm moving forward.

[mindsin]

Presented with an awkward text message

During lunch, my W texts me:

"Some college guy just tried picking me up. Haha. Still got it, I guess"

Ok, I was stuck. I literally was sitting there for 5 minutes staring at my phone, formulating a response. My first few choice responses would have been reactionary, passive/aggressive, sarcastic, snarky, etc. Not good.

Maybe I should just respond with something like "Haha" or "LOL". Keep it light-hearted.

Then I thought, what if I just don't respond? But then, in this case, even silence says something.

Then I texted back: "Yes. My wife is very beautiful."

Ugh! Mistake? I don't know. She hasn't responded back yet.

[CaliGuy]

Presented with an awkward text message

During lunch, my W texts me:

"Some college guy just tried picking me up. Haha. Still got it, I guess"

Ok, I was stuck. I literally was sitting there for 5 minutes staring at my phone, formulating a response. My first few choice responses would have been reactionary, passive/aggressive, sarcastic, snarky, etc. Not good.

Maybe I should just respond with something like "Haha" or "LOL". Keep it light-hearted.

Then I thought, what if I just don't respond? But then, in this case, even silence says something.

Then I texted back: "Yes. My wife is very beautiful."

Ugh! Mistake? I don't know. She hasn't responded back yet.

Tough one ... I received a text a few weeks ago from WAW who was having issues at work and said something along the lines, "Well if they fire me atleast I am wearing this cute little black dress" .... my wife is very attractive, I replied well later with something small like a LOL or a Yeah? type thing ... but did not take the bait.

Look at it this way, maybe she was fishing for a compliment from her H ... that's good, leave it at that and take the positive. if your first response would have been snarky, this is a 180 for you ... another good ... baby steps .. keep at it.

[mindsin]

It would only have been snarky because of my situation. My mind is going nuts right now wondering how she let the young guy down.

"Sorry, I'm married."

"Sorry, I'm involved with someone else."

"Sorry, I'm taken."

Ahhhhh!!!!!

[mindsin]

More family time

Wife asked me if I wanted to have dinner tonight (w/the kids). She seems to be very interested in spending family time as of late.

At the very beginning (6 weeks ago), she wanted to make sure we spend one day a week as a family. We even took a mini weekend trip to an out-of-state theme park. Since the numerous mistakes I've made over the following days and weeks, family time has become less and less of a focal point for her. She'd rather spend time by herself with the kids than the four of us together as a family. She's shown this in her actions as well as bluntly telling me this one day.

Since I committed 100% to DB (9 days ago), she has almost completely shifted her attitude with regard to this. I always allow her to initiate suggestions regarding family time. I never bring it up.

- Going out more often (on her suggestion)
- Weekend getaways (Labor Day weekend)
- Invitations to her family's events (change of heart on me coming to cousin's daughter's b-day party)

I'm going to stay the course and see where this leads. Keep doing what's working. I have a long LONG road to travel, but I'm starting to like the way this path is looking.

[MrBond]

"But the key factor here is timing. I had an addiction to escorts/massage parlors, which I ended three years ago."

This is a point that you seem to refuse to acknowledge. It DOESN'T MATTER that it ended just three years ago. I can tell you as a victim of an A and ask anyone else here for that matter, that the effects of an A are felt for MANY years after.

You just want to keep sweeping that fact under the rug. It doesn't matter why you had them. The fact of the matter is that you betrayed her trust multiple times. PERIOD.

No one is bringing up that fact to rub it in your face as you keep suggesting. The posters are bringing it up because that is an important action that deep down affects your W and needs to be addressed by you by re-establishing that lost trust slowly. Because you adamantly refuse to acknowledge or want to sweep your A's under the rug because YOU find them painful, you don't acknowledge that pain. You still talk about yourself and YOUR pain when your W is the one who has been hurting for years.

[mindsin]

MAJOR Setback

Yesterday, my wife and I enjoyed a nice dinner together -- just the two of us. I tried my best to avoid conversations about my feelings, and about the situation. She kept trying to bring it up. It was almost as if she was interrogating me.

Afterwards, I found out why.

It appears that she's been snooping through my phone since last week (not sure which day). I'm not sure how she got the password, but no matter. She went through my text message and e-mail history.

She learned that:

1. I've been speaking to a woman I met online. She too is divorced and going through the same thing (WAS). We've been sharing each other's stories and providing each other emotional support. I have no romantic interest in this woman and we're both in situations where we want our spouses back.

2. I've looked through her phone call records. Her line is under my account. This explains the visit to the AT&T store last Sunday to get the account switched over.

She was furious about both things. She said that she gave me chances to "fess up" during dinner. It explained why she was interrogating me.

During her blow-up, she said, "I told you I'm ok if you dated. In fact, I encourage it."

I'm NOT dating anyone! She's insinuating that I am because I've been texting with a strange woman. I can see how she would come to that conclusion, but she came to that conclusion on her own without talking to me about it.

She's angry that I invaded her privacy, but she has no problem invading mine. Even looking back (after BD), she always asked me about the conversations I had with my best friend and my family. When I tell her that I want to keep that conversation to myself, she gets upset. Yet, I never asked her regarding details of her conversations to the friends/family that she spoke to. It was only last night at dinner that she offered the information.

I am mostly shocked about how she was able to carry on like nothing was wrong for 10 days and decided to blow this up in my face only last night. All the nice days we've shared, the enjoyment of family time, the nice words that were exchanged on a day-to-day basis. Were they all a lie? Were they all a ploy?

I'm totally stunned and I'm not sure what to do next.

I'm going to keep following DB because I can't lose focus of my primary goal -- mental health. Getting my wife back is secondary, especially now.

[MrBond]

Not exactly sure what you're "shocked" about. She checked up on you because you kept insisting that you had changed, yet she wanted to be sure because of your prior A history. Lo and behold, she found out that you were sharing intimate secrets with another woman. This is just a consequence of your inability to understand how your W feels.

She never trusted you again since your A's. You don't seem to get that. Yet you are shocked and feel violated that she would look at your phone when you went out of your way to contact the OM's W and expose your W.

You still refuse to see how you are causing all of this.