Mindsink - Part 2

[mindsin]

Btw, she makes nearly 2X the money that I do and has always had an inter-dependent relationship with me, where as I had a very dependent relationship with her.

[mindsin]

While she is still cordial with me, I sense a bit of her giving me a cold shoulder this morning. Nothing really changed. I think maybe I'm overreacting/over-analyzing.

I made her dinner on Monday night. Tuesday night, I asked if she's coming home for dinner. Wednesday night, I did the same. This time I told her what I'm making and asked for an ETA. She replied that she's having dinner with her team but will have a little of what I made when she comes home, and will pack it for lunch tomorrow. She came home after 8pm and did have a piece. Told me it was delicious. This morning, very cold to me. No friendly "good morning" like yesterday. I know that she didn't sleep well. She has developed a cough and our kids woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night, disturbing her.

Part of me thinks I may be doing too much (i.e. pursuing) by preparing food for her. But she's been coming home late from work and doesn't take time to eat dinner sometimes (she's trying to lose weight). She's 5'7" and 120 lbs.

Again, I may be overthinking the situation here.

[mindsin]

Previously (several weeks ago), my WAW has made it clear that she doesn't want me attending any of her family's functions. She thinks it would be awkward/uncomfortable. She even made mention that she will be bringing the OM to the annual X-mas party (on her family's side), which I've been attending for 18 years straight.

One of her cousins is hosting a birthday party for her young daughter this weekend. Last week, she made mention of this and said that she will be taking our two kids to this party (insinuating that I won't be coming).

Just a few minutes ago, I asked about this weekend's schedule/plans and noted the birthday party for her cousin's daughter.

She replies, "I'd like for you to come on Sunday, if you'd like to. We can grab dinner afterwards. Let me know."

I reply, "OK, sounds like a plan."

Progress? Maybe. Can't get too excited.

[Eatsma]

Baby steps, Mindsin...Baby steps...

She's mentioned that she's going to bring OM to her family X-mas party? Haha - THAT sounds like someone who has just recently started an affair. Tuck that away and see what happens in Dec. As my IC says - don't throw everything into the kitchen sink yet.

W is 5'7" and 120 and trying to lose weight? YIKES. That sounds a little destructive. I wouldn't talk to her about it if I were you, but scary...

I think it's great that she invited you along to the birthday party. Do you want to go? Would it be a 180 if you didn't go? What if you had something else to do that day? I'm not saying you change your plans if you've already told her that you're coming, but that's an option.

Don't worry about the cold shoulder. Ride the waves. Detach.

[mindsin]

I do want to go, because I enjoy spending time as a family. She knows this so I don't see any real reason for me to try to act any differently (IMO). It would certainly be a 180 if I told her I didn't want to go.

In the beginning (after the bomb), most of my crying and begging centered on the break-up of our family unit (how we will not be going on vacations together anymore, etc). There was Less focus on actually losing her as my wife, until later on.

I know I'm only 6 weeks in, so speaking in terms of "beginning" and "later on" may sound absurd to most people here.

[Eatsma]

You're new. It takes a long time to sort this stuff out. But even six weeks in there is a beginning and later on.

Not absurd. We were there once.

[SunnyB]

In the beginning (after the bomb), most of my crying and begging centered on the break-up of our family unit (how we will not be going on vacations together anymore, etc). There was Less focus on actually losing her as my wife, until later on.

Although I didn't actually do any begging, much of my thought process has been on the breakup of the family unit, how it will affect the kids, etc. Much less on the loss of a H, even now. Hmmmm.....something to think about.

[mindsin]

25 - Sorry, I didn't see your final post in the old thread. I'll respond to that shortly.

[CaliGuy]

Just reading your issue with dinner. ... stop calling her and pursuing asking when .. ETA ... all that .. just cook, if she makes it home and eats great .. if not pack that stuff up in the fridge and let her help herself if she is hungry. that would be a good 180 for you IMHO
I know its hard ... I cooked for the family for years with her gone it removed that issue, I made alot of those types of mistakes early on and wished I would have found this place, the books, and all the advice 7 months ago I might be much further along than where I am now, I had windows to pull some strong positives but did not have the tool box ... you do ... USE IT

Good Luck.

[mindsin]

So what 180s and other approaches and techniques have you tried for long enough to monitor, and know they failed?

I didn't see ANY.

To be honest, I've been looking at various different approaches (including DB) to deal with my situation from day 1. I've been torn by extremes (one site recommends to "blow up" the affair at her workplace, to all her family, etc. in an effort to "shock" her into getting out of her fog). It wasn't until the middle of last week that I became 100% committed to DB. Wednesday, July 30, to be exact.

There was only one 180 that I did consistently since day 1 -- Helping out around the house (chores, etc) in an effort to give her more free time to spend with the kids, herself, and yes, even the OM.

Her reactions -- Some positive, some negative.

The negative comes as a result of mistakes I've made (arguing, passive-aggressive words/behavior, controlling, etc.). During one argument, she said, "don't think I'm going to come back to you just because you're doing a bunch of chores now".

Example of positive -- I asked if she could watch the kids for a whole day so I could spend a day with my friends. She responds, "Yes. You need a break and deserve some leisure time with your friends."

Since my commitment to DB, I've added the following techniques/approaches:

1. Drastically reduced the amount of communication I initiate (phone calls, texts, e-mails).
2. Completely eliminated all talk of the OM/OMW.
3. Completely eliminated all talk of our relationship/marriage.
4. Shown little to no interest in her whereabouts or her life outside of me or the kids (e.g. Asked nothing about her visit to her cousin or friend over the weekend).
5. Never showed anger, despair, or hurt in front of her.
6. Approached conflicts/disagreements with a very "solution-oriented" approach. Example: When she got fed up the other night because she couldn't get her daughter to sleep (the night when the OM returned from a 5 day out of state trip, she was very anxious to go see him and spend the night in his hotel room). She basically "dumped" our daughter on me and left the house. I didn't criticize her. I said nothing. The very next night, I told her that I was going to try a different approach to get our daughter to sleep by herself. I simply took action, without blaming or criticizing.

So you are saying YOU don't need to try the other approaches b/c of HER affair...how convenient for you to get to skip steps the rest of us had to slog thru...

See, it doesn't really matter to ME that you found a sentence or two that MAY support your strategy, (but I'd sure like to see the context of that remark)

b/c I just read the whole section on LRT, and it did not even mention affairs making a difference.

So I doubt that having an affair "mandates" skipping the steps of DBing and going right to LRT.

I could be wrong of course. But I think there is always an argument FOR trying what works for everyone else, and NOT insisting that your situation is so unusual that the rules don't apply to YOU.

I'm slogging through it as we speak. It's only been a week. Btw, I don't think the LRT is a shortcut anyways. That's not how I read it at least. Also, please refer to page 215 in DR.

"In Chapter 6, I wrote about the last-resort technique. Re-read that section (page 124), because everything I wrote there applies here as well."

That ^ to me, tells me that in a situation where your spouse won't end the affair, use the LRT.

The only unusual thing about your situation is your personal history of infidelity AND how hypocritically you have approached your wife's single affair.

I would love to see some progress in that area, b/c otherwise I don't hold out much hope that you will turn this around.

I'm not sure what you define as "progress". I've already expressed remorse for my infidelity. I'm dealing with my wife's single affair because that is the current situation we're in. Am I supposed to simply ignore the fact that she is actively cheating on me right now? I'm approaching it no differently than anyone else whose wife has betrayed him. If you want to tag me as "hypocritical" due to my past, then fine. But I'm not the one who is engaging in infidelity right now.

I respect your wisdom and advice, but we clearly don't see eye to eye with regard to infidelity. Maybe it's because you're speaking from a woman's PoV and can see things from my wife's perspective in a way that I'll never be able to. I don't know. But it seems to me that you think two wrongs make a right. I disagree wholeheartedly.