Three weeks in to my husband sleeping in a different bed and I blow it. I blow the basic rules and I plead, cry, lay out all the ways I'm going to change... To no avail, of course. I've been owning 18 years of faults, apologizing and promising change (yes, I read DB and DR but maybe I should beat myself over the head with them because that might convince me to actually follow what's in the books). Has he even ONCE in three weeks admitted to a single fault? No. Not one. Our marriage is falling apart and it's apparently 100% my fault. I've made him hate himself. I've made him dead inside. I'm bitter. And now he's staying overnight in a $600/night room by the beach because he needs to meditate. He didn't call to say goodnight to our daughter who is really confused by what is going on. I'm bitter that one person in a marriage has the power to destroy my life and my daughter's life without having to own any part of the failure. Grrr!! Anger stage!
Mine actually blamed me for making sucidal, he had trees picked out he intended to drive into to end it all!
He had an ow! Yeah right all may fault. I would not be suprised if he has no idea ever of how to even meditate, and I would prepare your self in case their is an op.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
So, after my set back of begging and pleading despite everything I know, I'm standing again and following LRT. He came home from his "meditation" stay at that pricey hotel to find D6 and I watching a movie on the couch (something we don't often do). He asked to join us and it was a lovely evening. I went to bed early but he wanted to talk about what he thought about in his over-priced hotel. He's decided to move out but "thinks" he can forgo filing official separation docs (had no idea this existed) and would consider seeing a therapist with me to either help me come to terms with the divorce that he wants or to say something uber enlightening to him to make him want to stay. No pressure on that marriage therapist, huh? I've inquired about a two day intensive with Michelle but wow, it's pricey. Cheaper than a divorce for sure but not cheap if we get the divorce anyway. Maybe the phone coaching will be enough? I just don't know.
Anyway, back to my LRT...
I was energetic and responsive but not fake or sarcastic or belittling (big for me!). I listened and validated but ended the convo every time. I'm kind and attentive but not needy or pushy or hovering at all. I'm treating him like I would a friendly room mate. Respectfully but with no obligations. After this 180 on my part and our talk last night about him moving out and considering therapy, etc., he came knocking on my door and very intensely asked if I had something to tell him because I was acting very differently compared to Friday and it made him very curious. I simply said, "I'm taking this time to think, that's all." He asked me if I was sure (what does he think???) I had nothing to tell him. I confirmed that I didn't and that I am just taking time to think, much like he is. He's flummoxed and I'm glad. I'm trying to fill my schedule up like crazy because spending time with friends is really helpful, whether they know my current sitch or not. I'm looking at flights to spend some time with my BFF who just had her first child. I've applied for 10 jobs (in the public sector which makes it hard because the recruitment processes for public sector positions are looooooong). I'm reading, looking into modern script and calligraphy classes and watching sunsets nightly. In short, I'm GAL!! I hear Gloria Gaynor off in the distance reminding me that I WILL SURVIVE!!
Nice! Sounds like you are doing great, all things considered. Keep it up!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
This is such a lame question but I would like your input (I'm going to have to create another post detailing our story because I've not really done that yet-sorry)... My H is still living at home until he find a place to move for the separation... Should I continue to do his laundry? I told you it was stupid. What do you think?
Dont create another post, you need to keep this limited to as few posts as possible so that your story stays together. Yes you should keep doing his laundry while he is living there. How can you get out of it without looking like youre doing it to be cold or spiteful??
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
In a word, NO. Let him find out what doing for himself when he moves will be like.
Don't pack his lunch or his clothes. Find something else to do when he goes. Make sure he knows he has no drop by, come over for dinner or TV privileges.
Think through the boundaries you need to set in order for him to understand the consequences of his choices.
It almost sounds like he is your older child who is testing the rules. I would think he is as conflicted and confused as you are but you seem to be much more aware of the impending realty of his choices. Hold him accountable.
The only easy day was yesterday
Friends - 35 years Together -32 years Married - 29 years S - 26 BD - 11/11 S 7/12 Last visual contact 2/13 Last verbal contact 4/13
Ben and aw thank you! I'll continue to do his laundry until he leaves. Status quo. Got it.
Ancient warrior, I'm amazed at your perception regarding being an older child testing the rules. Way back (you know, two or three weeks ago - lol) when he was talking about finding a place I told him he'd not be permitted to drop by willy nilly. He seemed shocked by that. Like I wouldn't let him into his own house. Um, hello. You picked this route buddy. You want a separation, it means we're separated. I have my place, you have yours. If you need something in the house, you need to make arrangements with me to get it when I'm home, not drop by when you decide you need something. We don't hang out on weekends together with our daughter and pretend to be this power divorced couple and I think he truly thinks that's what's going to happen. This will be hard for him, I know, because he's forgetful and scattered so he'll need something, ask if he can come over to get it "real quick" and I won't be home to help out. I want to be kind and whatnot but I'm not going to bend over backwards to be accommodating. Hold him accountable, ancient warrior? Oh yes, I sure will.
