MLC WAW losing her place

[Wet]

Here is a draft of my "friend" letter. Let me know what you think.

“W, I feel like I need to be clear with you about something. Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by continuing your adult relationships with other men. then I have absolutely zero intentions of being 'friends' with you. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other. The last several months have allowed me to realize what is important to me and what I value in my life. The children are on the top of my list of priority. The children are too important to have to see you go through whatever it is you are going through. And I will no longer have you treat me as a doormat, life is too short and I am moving on.

I understand that your intentions and wishes are different than mine, and I respect them, as we both move forward. While a divorce is not what I would like to happen, I will not stand in the way of your wishes. But know that I am not willing live in an open marriage with third parties. While we will not be friends in this new chapter of our lives, I want to ensure we communicate effectively for the kid’s wellbeing.

Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in improper relations with other men, our communications will only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges.

We have some decisions to make here. Give me some time. But perhaps in a short while, you can let me know your thoughts.”

[pilot]

Again, I would vote no letter at all. While it is a well written letter, I doubt she will think as much. She does not care what you think or plan at this point. She is in a fog. If she did care, she would not be doing what she is. IF I HAD to write a letter, my letter would read.

Unless it is related to the kids, I do not want to hear it.

signed,

H.

That was basically how I ended things with my W when I caught her in the parking lot with OM. And I already knew about the A. I went NC for about 7 weeks other than kid related stuff. She started texting me frequently a couple days ago, and her demeanor has been very friendly.

I am not saying you will get the same results. I am just saying a letter like yours is trying to appeal to a rational person. She is anything but rational at this point. She also does not see what she is doing as wrong. So your letter will be taken as a negative. Actions speak louder than words...spoken or written. Just back off and go NC completely (other than kid stuff). She will get the message better than any letter you could ever draft.

[Wet]

Thank you Pilot. You may be right. You have convinced me to at least sleep on it.

[pilot]

^^^^ Good! Who knows, maybe someone wiser than I (and there are many) will chime in with a different opinion. Best of luck to you my friend!

[kat727]

Snooping will get you nothing but pain. No need to do it. You know , and show, that you do not trust her. She has given you no reason to.

The letter, sit on it, then burn it. Actions speak louder than words. What are her actions telling you? She is all over the place. She is not working on anything.

You can not control her. You can only control yourself. What do your kids need right now? Just like a broken record, focus on your life. Don't look at everything at once, break it down and deal with each task one at a time.

I have been where you are. You can work through this. The sooner you commit to the work ahead the better you will be.

kat

[Wet]

Thanks Kat and Pilot, helpful and wise as always.

I am now in full lockdown LRT mode, including no more snooping. Having been separated for over a year, I knew in the past she was dating other men, and likely more. But given that she was reaching out to me, I had to find out what I was really up against. And what I saw on her phone was really bad...

So I know the truth, and I know that today I will not send my "Just friends" letter. I will also not have any communication with her. That's all I can deal with right now. Tomorrow will have to take care of itself. ;-)

[Wet]

Yesterday, I moved the car insurance for W's 2000 Jaguar to her name. I am feeling guilty about this bc she doesn't have a job, and she did not get much $ from the emergency sale of her cats. Also bc I haven't paid cs this month (just haven't received any client payments this month.)

I'm just thinking out loud... I did this partly out of anger at what I learned from snooping her phone, partly bc if she wants to stand on her own then she should pay for her own bills, and partly bc I resent W's purchase of the Jaguar while our home was going through foreclosure which was one of the early signs she was moving on.

[kat727]

Why haven't you gotten paid this month? This is certainly something you need to work on to get that income steady.

Yes she needs to pay for her own bills. She may have to sell her little Jaguar. She has to figure out her mess and you need to figure out yours. Gee, she might have to work and grow up a bit.

Something to think about here...women do often marry a man for stability. That isn't usually the main reason but part of it. Did things start to fall apart when the practice started to fall apart? You need to fix this part for sure. Not only for you but for your kids.

kat

[Wet]

Hi Kat,

I am self-employed and if my Clients don't pay, then I have no money. Yes, I am now regularly sending out resumes and have had two interviews so far, as part of my GAL. I am done with being self-employed.

When our home went thru foreclosure last June of 2013, she never mentioned any problems, gave me an ultimatum, asked for us to go to counseling, etc. Of course I knew the loss of our home was horrible for everyone, but I never even dreamed a separation was possible. Instead, she told me 2 weeks before she left that she was taking the kids and moving in with her sister. I was going thru some pretty serious health issues (lung disease and infection)at the time, and with the foreclosure of our 20+ year home, and the disappointment of my job, I was depressed and completely checked out. This was a woman who for all of our marriage wouldn't even use the "D" word, even when speaking of other marriages. So I was blind-sided and destroyed.

Thank you for reassuring me about my W paying the car insurance bill. It helps.

[pilot]

Wet,

Do not underestimate the value your W puts on financial security. I do not know her or your financial situation, but it can be scary and even frustrating for a W who does not work and is used to always having money around, and then one day it dries up. I am also self employed and I get the 'if I do not get paid, then there is no money coming in' concept. I am comfortable with that. I grew up this way, and my dad grew up this way. My W parents always worked in a mill or factory, so they always had a set paycheck every month. She equated this with security. So while that may not be THE reason, or even a big reason, i am sure it did have an affect on her mindset.