MLC WAW losing her place

[kat727]

How did it go? I know you want nothing more than saving your marriage and I bet she does too. Honestly, you can't control your friend. Her hearing the truth from someone else wouldn't be such a bad thing. Just don't go there with her.

You are not going to get into that with her. Stay focused. You are going to be the best you for you not for anyone else. You can do this.

kat

[kat727]

I just reread that. Let me clarify. Your wife knows what your ultimate goal is, not that she wants what you want.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

kat

[Wet]

I'm journaling tonight. The funeral was weird. I am not sure why my W was there. We used to be close as couples together. And my bf helped her move out by letting her use his truck a year ago. But she has not had any contact with him since. But she wanted to go, and I had to drop off my s anyway, so I agreed to drive her (her car was used by D for work).

So she complained several times about her sore back (which when we were married I massaged every night). I gave her no response, and instead turned convo toward the sale of her cats, her unpacking, and her contact with D17 who is in Argentina, etc. Nice friendly convo.

But when we get to the funeral, my bf sees us together and puts up his hands like a frame and says "that's a nice picture the two of you together."? How odd, he is the friend who always tells me to move on with my life, and he doesn't even like her anymore. Ok, whatever.

We sit next to each other during the service. And when I see my bf cry, I start tearing up. He gives one of the eulogies and just breaks down. I hate to see him in such pain, and let W know that I am feeling bf's pain. She holds my hand, ok nice gesture. She holds my hand for a good part of the service.

The Pastor is also an attorney, and he is also my friend. He gives a dynamite sermon, talking about the importance of family, and a faithful father who loved his wife. He then mentioned the last thing which was written by the deceased was "I love my wife SBK, and I always will." Even that made my W cry.

She started stretching her neck and back, and I take the risk of giving her a one-handed massage. I know her sore points and I rub one. She started to purr during the sermon! It made me really smile. I briefly rub her and then decide decorum dictates that I stop. But I keep my arm around her.

After the service there was a nice light meal, and we spoke and caught up with some mutual friends. Very nice. I catch up with a bunch of my friends who are also there. My W says she has 12 texts from people who are interested in buying cats, and she has to move the cats by the end of the upcoming weekend (long story I won't get into it here.) So she is off answering texts, and I believe she really is dealing with cat issues. NBD.

Now the ride home is where it gets interesting. She starts asking about me. How is my job search going. Any interviews? I decide to answer the direct question, because I get excited (good pma) telling her about an interview which went really well, and it is a job helping the elderly poor in a large neighboring city, and it is a STEADY PAYCHECK, which I haven't had in 20 + years. I'm so excited and she is happy for me.

She then asks about the Divorce Care I was going to tonight. Then she asks why I enjoyed it so much. And I stay away from explaining that we are people all going through the same PAIN, and we are all LBS abandoned people or cheated on. No, instead, I focus on that we are all sharing together because we are in the same situation. We are going through the same thing together, and its good material and videos, and we get to discuss the topic together. And for some reason that resonated with her. I think she wished she had someone to share with her the pain she was going through (sorry, a little mind reading there.)

So I say to W "thank you for being there today." And she says that she was there for both of us (meaning me and my bf.) Ok, fair enough. But I think something more could be said here, and I am a trained Church discussion leader. And I know the power of pregnant pauses. I was quiet, there was no radio on, and I let her sort through our day together, and let her see if she wanted to say something more.

When we got to her condo, she thanked me and moved forward to give me a quick kiss. I turned my cheek, so that she kissed my cheek (Yes! payback for a year's worth of her turning her cheek to me (see prior days posts.)) And yes she said those powerful words - "I love you". She didn't say it while looking at me, she was rushing off. But she said it.

Now I know that I can't read too much into what she said. But she hasn't said them in many months. So I will take her baby steps as a good sign and nothing more. So the rollercoaster continues.

[kat727]

If when you are together and you do nothing but remind her of pain and what she has done, it will push her further away. If you "act as if you've moved on to your own life" ( which hopefully you really are) it will give her a chance to see you without your emotions thrown in.

I wouldn't give back rubs. Probably gives her the feeling that she can snap her fingers and here you come. It might have been okay yesterday but you were in an emotionally charged situation. You both probably wanted to reach out a bit. Day to day life won't be like that.

Kat

[Wet]

Thanks Kat.

OK, so I was excited by the baby steps she has taken. And I am feeling like I should try and build upon/reward her actions. I know, I risk messing up the work I am doing. But here some small steps I am thinking of doing today:

- send her a FB friend request;
- call her and tell her I know how hard it was for her to tell
me that (her telling me "I love you") yesterday.
- send a light-hearted text about her "purring" at the funeral yesterday.
- or else, shut the heck up, and get on with my own life. My new mantra is "I am happy with or without my W in my life today."

Any thoughts out there?

[GoatGal]

Kat727:
"If when you are together and you do nothing but remind her of pain and what she has done, it will push her further away. If you "act as if you've moved on to your own life" ( which hopefully you really are) it will give her a chance to see you without your emotions thrown in."


This is perfectly put, Kat.

It took me awhile to figure out that it was more than "not fighting" or "not having R talks" to get things to calm down.

This was a key to change.

I realized that even subtle comments could elicit guilt, which meant he felt bad being around me, and associated me with negative feelings.

Even comments like "I had to take the dog to the vet", or "the power went out last night/driveway washed away" are not directly related to anything he's done, but since he still feels responsible for our PHYSICAL well-being at this point, these comments remind him that he is not here and that we are struggling.

This makes him want to me avoid even more.
I still see this part of him through his actions, the things he does for me.
So I'm not guessing about it.

I had to stop commenting on ANYTHING which might trigger that "negative" reaction. That's hard because life is not easy for me here for a whole bunch of reasons.

Which is where the "Happyface, GALing, PMAing" comes in.

No matter WHAT happens here, he only gets to see me getting through this without breaking a sweat.
----------------------------------

The last time I cried in his presence was when our little dog died last week.

Even then, I kept it under control, didn't make any comments that would trigger guilt.
I'm sure he felt guilty enough because he'd basically ignored her, even though he knew she was not long for this world.

I also did NOT lean on him at all when that happened, nor did I try to comfort him. I left him alone, just gently squeezed his shoulder on the way out. Said nothing... BIG 180 for me.

And it's been several weeks since he saw any emotion from me at all about our R.

Let him feel what he feels.
He doesn't need my help to feel awful about what he's done or continuing to do.

Thanks, Kat. Nice post.

---GGG

[Mat]

First three bullets do sound to me like too much chasing. I'd let her make contact. If the gestures at the service have the meaning that you thing they have, she's cogitating just as much as you are now. Let her make it clear she wants to reconcile, not just get attention from you.

Vets may have a more nuanced perspective...

[kat727]

I have to agree. You need to stay back and watch what happens, not create the action. You want to know if she is actually moving towards you or reacting out due to fear, loneliness, or maybe just wanting some reassurance.

Once again the spotlight is on the life you are creating and you. You want your career to be stable, you to be in a good place mentally and physically before you even begin to bring any sort of relationship with her back into the mix. Otherwise you will not have grown or learned from this awful experience.

Ever wondered why the divorce rate is so high the 2nd time around? People are looking to feel better. They jump into a new relationship without figuring out what got them into their mess in the first place. Same thing will happen even in this relationship with your wife. There is a bunch of work to be done. Roll up your sleeves Tom, you are just getting started.

Kat

[Wet]

Thanks everyone,

R breaker happened tonight. I'm hurting so much right now. Briefly, I just had it out with W. She had an "emergency", her 10 cats were at a bf's house, and they had to be immediately removed because LL was coming in the morning (just the cats were at the bf's house, not the W). So she asked me to deliver the truck to carry all of the cat kennels in the truck, so they were removed, and "doormat" Tom/me, agreed. While she was selling one of the cats in the house, I snooped her cell phone (she was charging in the truck)and read a series of texts with another man which was like her journal. Needless to say there are many men, much PA/EA taking place, and no semblance of dealing with the real issues in her life. She is nowhere near coming out of her MLC, as I previously thought. I told her I was done, and that I was no longer her friend. That if she wanted this separate lifestyle, then she does this now without me.

Later, a horrible confrontation at the bf's home, where she was storing 10 of her cats. And his LL kicked the bf out, while W was removing the cats, and "doormat" Tom is still there waiting for D18 to pick me up and take me to my home. Some guy claiming to be the LL or his brother came and started taking cell phone pictures, and I unloaded on this guy in a not-very-Christian like manner. But at least he took my picture after I explained Landlord/Tenant law to him. Aye!!!!!! My soul is screaming... Fortunately, D18 came fairly quickly before anything more was said.

I will prepare a letter explaining that W and I are no longer "friends" (I have a few examples of the "friend" letter that I saved from this site waiting for this day.) I appreciate if you would help me prepare an effective letter. Thanks.

[pilot]

The best letter you can write is no letter at all. Just disappear. Actions will speak louder than any words you can speak or write.