today was good... I visited his mom & dropped off some chicken/wine pasta that can be frozen & offered my help for anything she might need. Then was interrupted for client appt.
surprisingly, we sold 3 to one client (not much profit, but happy to have less inventory). Time to clean house!! Very happy to get rid of 3 more!!!
He tried to indulge a little more about his vision of the business. I didn't bother.
I left work & went to have a lunch celebration with my friends. We then went to a park/beach & chatted/walked.
While I was out, he texted work stuff & sent a work picture (as he was still working away). He asked a work question... I didn't reply.... It was my time off!!
Going to watch TV with DD soon.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
hmmm... "listening" to him today. His real estate deal is interesting. Not sure if its a good idea to "listen" as he bounces things off me or to not be bothered.
Its a tough toss up...
one, because I am super interested two, because I should be interested as it affects my business three, not be bothered as it has little to do with me, and I shouldn't care so much (dropping the rope).
Confused which position to take... suggestions?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am realizing that he is informing me for 2 reasons. 1) as an informed partner 2) as a person that he trusts.
Not necessarily in that order. My guess is that it flip flops for him.
I would be extremely upset if he wasn't informing me.
I am not calling or asking him to inform me... I am not behaving as the old MM would with 100 questions either. I have asked a few.
I feel that I am being his "go to friend" over this... and being "here" sends the wrong message. That he still has me.
The message I want to send is that I am interested in this transaction because it affects me & my portion of the business. However, I cannot be your "friend" and support you through this as you pushed me out of it. I am angry about that.
How can I display/send that message? He said he will call me right back, as we just got interrupted on the phone by his RE situation. That was an hour ago... guess, he got further involved and possibly had to leave for meeting with seller? agent? lawyer?....dunno
I feel that being "friend" and listening throughout this is allowing him to still have a piece of me. I do not want him to have ANY of me, other than business (at this time).
I am trying to treat him like an addiction, for now. Fighting an addiction means being strong & saying "NO".... "no" until I am no longer pulled in by the desire to indulge. Much like when I quit smoking 20 years ago. You must fight the urges & say NO, until the moment passes & until the next moment. Until you just don't desire it anymore.
He asked me today if I was going to go with him to deliver a client vehicle. Initially, I had said yes, as this is an interesting client but will now say "NO" because I know that honestly I was going just to have "moments" with him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
You're trying to get a settlement on the basis that you're a partner in this company. If he wants to discuss an important real estate transaction with his partner he should be able to, without his partner getting all conflicted about giving away pieces of herself, whatever that means in this context.
This kind of unbusinesslike internal turmoil suggests you should consider cashing out and getting a job somewhere else.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It will be quite a while until I am able to leave this business. I am trapped until more inventory is gone. He won't let me out of it & there are road blocks getting into it. Quite complicated.
My short/long term goal is to have a legal personal agreement that states I am partner and our deal. Until we are in a better business situation, it cannot be formally recognized. Then, as we downsize to a more manageable inventory to then officially get my name on the business. Then, once I am considered official partner and it is manageable, to begin my exit strategy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
He just called... all frazzled by his meeting with the seller. I did not indulge or ask what happened. Unlike me. He was wanting me to go with him into the city for a few hours to deliver to a client. I declined stating that we both don't need to go & that I am optimistic that another client will show up this afternoon & I should stay behind for that. I know he is wanting to blow off steam about his meeting... Im not there!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I believe you will continue to feel confused and stuck until you are able to separate the personal from the business. You have the two sides so meshed together! You seem to be controlling your outward behavior better. But there is obviously a lot of inner conflict.
Your business "arrangement" does sound a little complicated. He makes all the big decisions, while you work for nothing. You aren't even considered a formal partner? What does he say your role in this arrangement is? Something had to have been said or done to cause you to believe you were equal partners. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but sounds to me as if he has taken advantage for a very long time.
Quote:
It will be quite a while until I am able to leave this business. I am trapped until more inventory is gone. He won't let me out of it & there are road blocks getting into it. Quite complicated
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If you are not a legitimate partner, how he can he stop you? How much of it is "you" afraid to leave? What could you lose? Maybe you could even get a job that paid you a regular salary. I mean, I don't care b/c it's your life. But I hope you will see what has become a crutch.......or a prison, whichever way you look at it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
HI Sandi... yes, still a lot of inner conflict because it goes against my natural instinct to be "wifey/partner/there". How can you stop "wanting" what you want? Weird position to be in. All I can do when my struggles occur is to think "I love you, but... this is not good enough" and carry through. Regardless of what his reaction/non reaction will be. I am learning that much. I have spent WAY too many years pretzeling because I was afraid to cross him. I gave up my control. Control of myself/my thoughts. Trying soooo hard to get them back.
Even right now... Im struggling trying to maintain distance by not calling him to inform him of mundane work stuff. He said he would call me back (and usually does so while driving)... he has gone against his usual self today too. Is he playing a game? to test? is he busy? .... dunno. This is unusual behaviour from both of us.
Yes, he has taken advantage of me & our business arrangement for a very long time. I am "massaging" my way back into my business opposed to walking away. I would be walking away from too much. So, I am being careful & watching my timing and approach to getting what is rightfully mine (too). He knows it. He is just all about control & giving up some of it. Selfish!
I understand it is my prison, but it is also my gravy train.... I just need to stick it out a little longer (while he is involved in one dealing) & then I can approach mine ...AGAIN! If I were to approach it right now, it would look like an attack. I am not up for that fight. I would rather take what I can get (honey vs. vinegar) & then it be done. I have learned an expensive lesson with my first X-h... he put me through the ringer & we fought till the bitter end (still ongoing). I am not doing it that way this time. I will be further ahead to accept what is being offered, than to fight and fight to end up with less or the same, but cost me soooo much more $$ and sanity.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I see your point Gabby. I wish it was already a done deal & over with. It would be so much better... but, its not.
Its just not good timing... not if I have a hope in hell of getting a decent agreement from him. It would be more complicated and more expensive overall (for me) & he won't be as fair... if I push now.
I am not digging a grave.. I am planting a seed. I know that if I push now, he will retaliate & be mean/resentful towards my deal. Don't forget that his current RE deal affects me too (business & personally). I need to back off/away during this time... not push & demand.
He is already stressed out & miserable now.
What difference does another week or so make?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
my daughter asked me to try to not contact him yesterday for mundane work stuff, while he was occupied with his RE transaction & other things all day/evening.
It was hard & I wasn't completely sure why she was insistent. She doesn't want me to be at his "call" or to be eager to contact for the sake of contact. So... I didn't. She wants me to start getting stronger. Give him more space and to distance myself......... so, I listened. It was very hard. I couldn't understand why he wasn't calling me to tell me what was going on (he usually does) & when he doesn't, I call..... I began with assumptions/doubt.
Around 8:00 my client called to say thanks & informed me that she had just recently dropped him off. Late. Apparently he got to her work much later than he told me he was going. He had told me initially that he was going around 1:30. He got there at 4 which is why he got back at 7:30 not 4 isn, like expected. While speaking with her, I received a text from him:
H: Is everything alright? Me: Yup H: Well.. thought you would have contacted me for update Me: Nothing was really pressing.
^^^^ This goes to show that he questioned if I was mad/upset and how he expects me to behave as usual.... calling him when we haven't spoke for a while....chasing him.
I was really glad to have held out on contact. BUT!! I did not do it for the reaction/response. I really wasn't expecting one. However, when I did get one... I was elated.
I don't want to be elated. Its false hope.
I did not do it for his reaction.... I did it for me, pulling away.
Does that elated feeling go away?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I agree with GM. You seem like a sweet, smart, and successful lady. I know this will sound harsh but you just seem so desperate for any sign of something with xbf. It's the analysis of every single interaction that makes me feel sad for you sometimes. I, too, understand why your daughter wants you to back off. You need to realize your worth and it doesn't come from xbf or any other man.
I posted to you a while back what happens if you never get back with xbf? What then? What is xbf dated someone else? What if you meet someone else? Yes, I know he *says* after x is complete, he will be less stress and wants fun, coffee & cookies and patio dinners. Horse caca. Things always happen in life and voila-another stressful situation. Then what if after x, then y comes up? What then? What exactly are you waiting for?Your daughter is watching you and you are an example.
I know you are *trying*although wondering why he said this or didn't tell you that keeps you stuck. You would be doing yourself a favor if you just let it go. You are frozen where you are. I'm singing now:)
Hope you have something planned for the weekend:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/03/1407:16 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
