I have a question to the online DB community - My MLC W isn't going out with just one OM, but is going out with many other men. Has anyone else seen this kind of MLC behavior? I'm just wondering why she is choosing to be with many others instead of just one?
I could not say, and not sure anyone could say for sure (mind reading).
However, some thoughts that come to mind...
1. Many means its physical and does not want emotional attachment.
2. Cant seem to find one she likes so she keeps looking
3. Is extremely attention starved and loves/reacts to attention where/when she gets it
4. Character flaw
5. A million other reasons.
No point in trying to figure it out. Worry about you and work on you. Worrying about her will keep you from detaching and prevent you from doing what you need to do which gives you the best chance at saving your M.
Best of luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot, you are right in that I just need to keep working on myself, and not worry about figuring out my W's motivations.
I did want you to know that I am not "mind reading", about her seeing many other men Another odd thing about our separation is that she tells me about her dates, and gives me enough detail that I believe her. Her female friends are not around anymore, she is fighting with the sister she lives with, and so I guess I fill a need for her. As much as I know I should stay away from this, I allow it to see what's going on her brain. Also, I do see some baby-steps. Last week she started telling me about a guy she went riding a motorcycle with, and she stopped, and said "no, you don't want to hear about this." For the first time in many months, she considered my feelings.
On the other aspect of "mind reading" her motivations, the reason I bring it up now is that I sense she may be reaching out to me. It may be just financial pressure she is facing, but it seems like there is something more to it. I know. Just keep working on myself, and keep that great PMA going. And let's see what tomorrow has in store.
My .02 worth,work on yourself. Get your job lined up, keep working out, get your life in order. She walked away without a thought. It won't help a bit to bring it up. Keep contact with your kids. Be cordial with her, ie treat her as you would the mailman.
It is not your job to fix her mess, fix her or help her find her way back to you. She needs to come through this on her own. Yes she will make some big mistakes and you will want to rush in but don't.
It has been nearly 6 years since my divorce. My former H is still in la la land. Doesn't see the damage he left in his wake because in his eyes it was always and only about him. He married his affair partner,they planned it all to look as if they met after our divorce. Eh,their problem.
My focus is on creating a life I want and to keep being the steady parent that my kids deserve. Hang in there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
A quick update. I was able to help with the move in for W and 2 kids today. It's kind of funny, it is an older people's condominium, for which W is sub-letting a unit (and so, no verification of income requirement). All gray hairs, and W said that five different people told her "we like it quiet here". Giggle. But it is a nice unit and should be a nice quiet place for W and the kids to live.
Another quick update. Today again I helped W move into her new place, and I saw a baby step (Yay!) I was working on packing for her, moving boxes, and leaving W alone. She has repeatedly told me "thank you" over the last couple of days. But today during our lunch break, she came up to me while I was seated, and put my face in both of her hands and gave me a kiss on the lips.
Let me explain the backstory on why I think this is such a big, baby step (is there such a thing?) Over the last year of our separation (all pre-DB), I started by insisting that she kiss me on the lips, and she would only give me her cheek. I insisted because we are married for so many years, and I am the father of our four children, I should always have kissing privileges. But it was not a very good argument as I never got a kiss from her. But now that I have stopped pursuing her over the last few weeks, she is the one who comes up to me for hugs, and now today's kiss. I am encouraged.
I also am interviewing for a second job on Thursday. It is a good day.
Hey there Wet - I may not be getting the context, but the kiss on the lips seems a bit un-detached if you don't mind me saying. This is probably a situation where you don't want to be over-excited and go over Sandi's rules a few times.
It's big advice coming from someone as inexperienced as me though. Vet should chime in
Happy 4th tomorrow! P.S. hope the interview went well
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
Hi Mat, to clarify I am detached and for the past several weeks am no longer pursuing here. I no longer seek hugs or kisses from W. Which made her coming up to me two days ago and giving me a kiss on the lips something encouraging.
My W is overwhelmed with moving into a new place, needing to quickly sell over 20 rare breed cats, and cleaning up the old place which she left, and more. She is sad and can't sleep. She also recently quit her membership on a dating website. For now, my helping her is working. Every day I see baby steps (today she winked at me, weird huh?). But she still called me yesterday saying "Hi Tom this is your ex-wife" (we are still married). I realize she is testing me, and I hope I am right that being nice, patience and keeping quiet appear to be making progress.
