So H didn't show up for basketball. I just got a text from him asking if it was at 730. I sent him a text 2 weeks ago telling him the times. How do people DB these situations?
I have yes and no answers. He wrote 730? I said no. He said what time? I said 530. He said until when. I wrote 630 then he goes so just to be clear since you can't include me in things s3 is 530 s6 is 730. I haven't responded yet.
Can you set up a shared google calendar? Then, when you add things to the calendar it can automatically send him an email (reminders, too!) Do either of you use smart phones/google?
Or... what if you (deep breath) validated him a bit... "I'm sorry if it seems like I am not keeping you updated. The boys love when you come to their practices. It seems as though our current system of isn't working as well as either of us would like. What do you think would work better? Maybe we can find a solution that works well for both of us?"
(Vets--how does that sound? I don't want to give bad advice. ..but I'm trying to practice some of this myself! )
This is where I'm Struggling. If a vet could chime in because I have ASKED him to meet and talk about the boys. He'll I've tried to call him even and he refuses to meet or talk.
I know previously people have said you can't make him be a father but at the same time I'm getting sick of his lack of involvement being blamed on me.
If you don't want to be a dad - fine. But stop shifting the blame to me. I understand you blame me for everything else - like why you can't be around Me, why we are getting a divorce, why you're moving on with your life, etc. but just because I'm not kissing your ass doesn't mean you aren't as equally as capable of having this information yourself.
He has no problem knowing the schedule for things he wants to do, going out of town every weekend.
Requesting a meeting is probably a waste of time. Either share a google calendar or send him an email with the week's times/events. I will sound harsh, but I'm sure your h can read. You can send him dates, times, and lottery predictions and you cannot make him read them, show up , or be a father. That's on him. Document that you've sent him the times and or shared the calendar. That's all you can do. In this particular situation, when one doesn't show, speak or respond, there is nothing to validate. Just my 2 cents.
In regards to blame , detach. Your h will try to blame you for why he failed a math test in the 8th grade. Ignore it. That's all on him. Focus on you and your boys. Your h will either choose to participate or not and there is nothing you can do to make him a better father. Repeat. You cannot make your h do squat and you cannot control whether he blames your for the cost of gas. Again, his deal. Keep sending or sharing the info. Be pleasant and live your life.
I know DBing is about improving yourself. That being said, this doesn't mean the other party should be coddled or treated like a child. Sorry if I sound feisty today! Hope this helps.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/23/1411:38 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I just am over bending over for him to know schedules and him missing things or if he does show up it's 30 minutes late!
How hard is it!? If you don't want to be a dad fine but just leave it alone then. I really don't want to validate him saying I don't tell him things because I sent a text June 9 with basketball times and the day of the week. I also sent a text June 12 reminding him practices are mon and weds, I also sent him a text June 20 reminding him of the game days and times. He has shown up to 2 practices. That is it. We are in our third week of practice not counting games. LET IT GO lol.
I am not upset about it but I would just like to be left alone. I don't know if him texting about these things is him reaching out. I do not think so. I think he expects me to make it easy on. Him for doing the homework of when things are Scheduled, etc.
When he does text me he has NEVER. Said hi, hello, how are you, wished me well nothing. This is an example of his texts 'S3 have practice tonight?' Or 'How s3 game go?'
When I respond he reads my response and never says anything. I know I'm fixating on things I can't control and. I'm not trying to control them. But how can he expect me to be helpful when he can't say anything to the boys or I. He hates me so much he can't even check on the boys. He has seen them 2 times in 2 weeks with no call or text in between. Is he that scared to talk to me? Or does he hate me that much that he can't reach out to them? Yet he posts on FB and sends friends messages saying I'm using the boys as leverage and I'm keeping them from him, that he doesn't ask for them because I won't let him have them
"I stopped asking to see my kids because she won't let me see them"? Yeah, ok. If roles were reversed, and you were not crazy (which you are not), is this the response you would have if he tried to prevent you from seeing your kids?
Didn't think so. I mean, COME ON. That says a lot about him. And he's posting that publicly? "I just gave up on my kids because my big bad mean W isn't being nice to me"? LAME.
Don't let his crazy become your crazy. You can't really rationalize with his irrationality.
Unfortunately, there are some parents who genuinely try to alienate the kids from the other parent. That is horrible and IMHO, detrimental to the kids. How very sad and painful for the kids. However, there are also uninvolved, lazy parents who use the "x is turning the kids against me" as an excuse to not be a parent. Can't control that.
Focus on making yourself better. What do you want for your boys? Your h will decide what is important to him. I reminded my h for 6 months when a vacation was. This was planned by my D9. He had not moved out and it coincided with Father's Day. H finally said, " I won't have a pic to tweet on Father's Day." Internally I had so much running thru my mind, and I did not take the bait. I just said, "I'm sorry. The trip has been planned for months and had no idea when Father's Day was." This week, h had to work on Sunday. He did.. He picked his gf up from the airport because she left her internship early because she could not *stand to be apart from him*. And I cannot do anything about it. I actually shrugged and stifled a chuckle. I know how very difficult it is to watch your kids struggle with their world being turned upside down. It just flat out s?cks.
Focus on building the life that you want. Become the person you want to be. Your h can never get this time back with his boys. Let him be. You can do this!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'm sorry to hear about your sitch. The more I think about what's going on and hear things happen I think maybe we are better off. I hope one day your H and mine will wake up. But if not at least we have taken this opportunity to figure out what we want and the problems we contributed to the R so that in the future we can be a better W.
H sent me a text now asking if the boys wanted to do something with him tomorrow. It's 10 they are sleeping!
I just replied 'Im sure but I will ask them tomorrow they are sleeping. If you could please drop their bike stuff by also because they've been wanting to ride bikes but they can't because you have their stuff.' He said okay and I said thank you. That's it.
I was reading back through our communication tonight through day one (saving things for legal purposes). It makes Me sad all the things I said to him and every reply for a. Week after he left was I'm done I'm never coming home. I would send him pictures (mistake) and kept saying I was fighting for our marriage we deserve a chance to fight instead of just walking out without voicing his problems etc. I wish I would have just been quiet from day one like I've been since finding DB/DR.
I feel like so much damage has been done and now he is enthralled in another relationship that there is no hope of him ever seeing me as anything but 'the ex'
