The books are the foundation for what people on this forum are trying to utilize in salvaging their marriage/life. While you can gain a lot of insight by reading other people's stories and asking questions of people who have already walked in your shoes, you will not get the big picture unless you read the books...at least DR.
While I was never one who thought I would be reading "self help" books, in this case, I did. My entire mindset changed after reading DR. The stories here have given me a sense of peace and hope, but the book laid out the path for me to follow.
Best of luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
If you plan to continue getting advice from the people here, you must do the work. You can't keep asking questions from those who have worked on things from the basis of DB. Do you really want to know how to save your M? Then reading the books are your first priority.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OK, I'm sorry but I need some advice. My wife needs a place by July 1st. She found a 3 br place to live for her and two of our children. But because of her lack of income, she listed me along with her on the rental application.
This is hard. Do I sign the Lease to allow her to move in to this new place? I know that she chose her path when she left me, but this also effects our children.
W is in full meltdown mode right now. She can't sell her cats and had 2 of them returned, and owes for this. Our d 18 just had a car accident today (she is alright) but the car is totaled. And she still has no job lined up. I am giving her affirmations on the pain that she is going through, but I feel like I should do more. Any thoughts?
I would say no, do not sign the lease. You dont want her to move out, so why would you enable it by paying for it? If this is the life she wants, she has to figure out how to make it happen.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thank you Pilot for your wise advice. Tonight I spent over two hours with my W watching our son's baseball game (his team lost in an exciting game where it came down to a play at the plate where the runner was thrown out to end the game.) Here is an update.
We used the game to do our switch of son with me handing him over to W. From my time spent with W, I know I am in a roller coaster ride, and I know I should have no hopes or expectations, but I still had hopes that with the tough life circumstances she is facing it might cause her to discuss working our marriage, but she showed no interest in me, and so I am a bit disappointed.
Here is the update on her 3 bedroom condo she is looking to move to on July 1st. She listed me on the application so the income would let her be approved. But the landlord for some reason hasn't given her an answer yet. The foreclosure is apparently causing some problem with the application. Anyway, there is no way I will sign a Lease while she is seeing other men. There is a chance W can get the Lease on her own, given that she has promised to pay the first three month's rent upfront. So we will see what the Lord has in store for W's living space starting July 1st.
One interesting story from near the end of the game. W said something nice to me, and then she said our daughters told her to stop doing that because it only encourages dad/me to think there is a chance. But I couldn't respond. I was thinking of saying something to dismiss what she said, something like "don't worry W, I know that I don't have a chance." But I didn't want to lie. I know that I have no chance. But as long as I have breath to say a prayer, I know that there is still some chance that God answer my prayers by changing W's heart. And with the changes I am making to myself, maybe I will get to the point where "only a fool would divorce me". So instead I just sat silent. W is testing me to see where I was at, I am recently distancing myself from her, I no longer call her "m'love" on my emails to her (which I have done for 20+ years), I no longer call her at all, and so she may be wondering what is going on. Or with all she is facing, more likely she is just thinking out loud.
So, no encouragement for me. But I knew from the beginning that this is going to be a long haul. I am working on myself (I continue to exercise, lose weight, and I sent out 14 resumes in the past few days - I am sending W the copies of the cover letter to each job I am applying for, with no comment. I think this is the right thing to do, given that I think the biggest pain I caused my W was my lack of action in applying for jobs during the foreclosure). I am working on myself and trying to not be shaken by the waves of W's life. I have ordered DR and it will be here on Tuesday.
From my time spent with W, I know I am in a roller coaster ride, and I know I should have no hopes or expectations, but I still had hopes that with the tough life circumstances she is facing it might cause her to discuss working our marriage, but she showed no interest in me, and so I am a bit disappointed.
From what I have gathered reading and listening to postings here, do not expect her to want to discuss working on your marriage for quite some time, especially while there is OM in the picture
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W said something nice to me, and then she said our daughters told her to stop doing that because it only encourages dad/me to think there is a chance. But I couldn't respond. I was thinking of saying something to dismiss what she said, something like "don't worry W, I know that I don't have a chance." But I didn't want to lie. I know that I have no chance. But as long as I have breath to say a prayer, I know that there is still some chance that God answer my prayers by changing W's heart.
Perhaps this would have been a time to validate. You could have said something like "well our daughter does not realize the amount of pain you have been through over the past # of years." Or something like that. Saying you know you have no chance comes across as weak and not showing confidence. STFU works too.
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I am sending W the copies of the cover letter to each job I am applying for, with no comment. I think this is the right thing to do, given that I think the biggest pain I caused my W was my lack of action in applying for jobs during the foreclosure).
I would say no to this as well. She doesnt care what you are doing. Your are pursuing by showing her changes etc. When you get a new job she will find out on her own. Besides, how does it look to show you you applied to 10 jobs and no one hired you? Detach. Do your own thing. I just took a 2nd job because our financial situation took a nose dive over the past few years. And our finances were pretty stressful for her. I did let it slip I had a second job, but I did not tell her where or doing what. Let her wonder...be mysterious.
Best of luck to you!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thank you Pilot, you are a solid source for me for good advice.
One more question: My W and I are coming to the end of our 3 month "trial divorce" this week (June 28th or July 1st, depending on how you count). Do I bring it up to her? When we started this, we said we would check in with each other at the end of the 3 months and sign the divorce papers if nothing changed.
But this was before I was aware that my W was going through a MLC, and of the DB methods. I do not want to force her hand now. But should we even discuss the topic?
