Is OW just batsh!$ crazy?

[Ggrass]

Chants baby baby baby, chants some more hurry up little one.

Well may your new baby turn things around and make your life a but more bearable.

[Train]

Yayyyyyyy!!!! Babyyyyyyyyy!!!

Prayers for you, twin!!!!!

[Maybell]

Hope it all goes well!

[mdu]

Best wishes twinmom!

[mishka422]

YEA!!! Baby Lillian is on the way!!! Best wishes!

[25yearsmlc]

I have great friends but they work! They aren't available to me 24/7 and who the heck asks someone else to help at their kids birthday party?


I've been biting my tongue (unusual for me, I know ) but THIS^^ stuck out and demands a reply.

A LOT OF WOMEN ASKS THEIR FRIENDS FOR HELP AND A LOT OF FRIENDS OFFER when they know the situation. I don't get the whole "do it ALL myself" approach you are taking. And forgive me b/c the last thing you need is a criticism but I think you are actually a little risky in this trait of yours.

It's like saying you won't want child support...it's not really yours to give up. So when you face a daunting task involving your children, you are not doing them a favor by refusing to ask for help. And in this^^ scenario I can think of almost no one who would NOT ask a friend for help...seroiusly...

I'm a veteran, and a military wife. 17 moves under my belt, with kids. So we make our needs known or we'd all go nuts.


Sorry, but how am I supposed to say "please come help me run after kids at my son's party\

Um...First, try picking up a phone... or make your needs known in person or maybe an email. What's the worst that they can think of you? ---"OM! I can't believe it. TwinMom thinks just b/c she's pregnant and her h left her for OW, and she has these other kids, she thinks she CAN ASK MEEEEEE for a favor?????"

TM, your reaction leaves me puzzled.

Earlier you were Saying you are a "perfectionist" ...but to me that is also saying you structure your life for disappointment, b/c the NEWSFLASH is, you will never be perfect, even/especially in your own eyes. Perfection is not a human trait.
I hope you'll work on this for yours sake and for your children's sake. What was your family life like, growing up? I only ask b/c you have an extreme form of this, given the givens.

Or do you think it's more related to the whole hormone thing? I mean, are you always this way?

And I am NOT defending your inexcusably selfish h at all, but do you think maybe he likes feeling useful/needed?


but don't forget to leave your kids with a babysitter" kinda rude.... so I just suck it up do what I have to and break down later in private.

not to quibble or beat a dead horse but no, you do Not "Just have to sukk it up" ...you have to communicate your needs to others and NOT assume they will read your mind. it's really only fair to them AND to your kids b/c you're not able to do it all. NO ONE IS and so, in a small way I will echo the phrase, "it takes a village" or at least some family help or a friend's....seroiusly.


And THERE IS NO WAY IN H$@@ I WILL EVER PLAY A SYMPATHY CARD to have someone do something for me. I have asked my mom for help, it created more work/trip to the hospital for me.


No offense TM, but it's not just about you anymore.

Your kids could use a healthier happier mom and a fully present mother. You cannot be that woman without asking for help. Put the pride away for now. If not your mom, then a friend or cousin or sister...and btw, No one will ever think YOU "played the sympathy card"...(they may think the opposite, but that's not today's problem).

BTW, I had surgery in November and it turned into a bigger deal than I expected. Zero weight bearing for 8 weeks was much MUCH harder than I expected (who knows what I 'expected'?) anyhow, I know what it's like to BE dependent on others for help and it's not pretty but you know, for the most part I think it really was good for my kids and my h AND My friends who felt so much more helpful and useful when they saw me in such physical pain. At least there was SOMETHING they could do...


I will not ask H for help.

The only reason I agree with this^^ is b/c HE IS NOT reliable and b/c your expectations will flare up, perhaps and that will sukk for you. So I get this and I concede he's NOT who to call...probably ever, unless required by law.


Sometimes I ask friends for help but they are not my babysitters/maids/handy man. There is a huge difference in a friend being there when you need to cry and coming over to cut the grass for you.

Sending you positives....and strength!!!! and maybe a few hours of sleep.

Also, Keepgoing has a thread somewhere around here if she has not posted to you already.

We are all rooting for YOU and your children.


.

[25yearsmlc]

I can't, I expect perfection in myself. I try to do it all then I end up breaking down.

I have tried for years to pair down my expectations and every time I do I disappoint someone and end up feeling so much regret and guilt.


What do you think this ^^ models for your children?

If I recall correctly, In the midst of all the chaos and pain around your son, (who sees his own dad --when?)

you were "disappointed in him" (and your mother) for his not getting an A in a class...

I believe this IS something you CAN work on. Not overnight but at least try to see it how we are. We are all here FOR YOU ON YOUR "TEAM"... so, maybe you can consider that...


Right now it's not necessarily meeting H's expectations of calmness but my kids expect me to be calm and upbeat. It's very hard.

It's hard....for so many reasons. But imo, what they need most is a mother who allows them to fall now & then, b/c she allows herself to stumble and fall-- and they'll see that fall, that "failure", and THEN they'll see her pick herself up and dust herself off and once again, move forward.

THEY will face betrayals and setbacks and failures of their own someday.

Show them how to handle it by not being ashamed of being human and flawed (you know, "not perfect"??) Model forgiveness of ourselves, for them...by showing you can handle a less than perfect day.

BTW, your son's birthday party did NOT sound like a "total disaster" to me at all. I think you showed flexibility and resilience...good grief, what if he'd wanted a picnic and it had rained?? This is life.


The twins were up at 5am. The older boys are on summer vacation and fighting with each other and not wanting to do their chores. Typical kid behavior but for me combine that with my day yesterday, doing this alone and the hormones of pregnancy I often go into my closet for 5 min to cry.

I REALLY want to release my anger to H but I know he doesn't care.

QUESTION:

If your h said you were acting like a "purple lesbian mousy dinosaur, who HATES ALL SINGING",

would you then wonder about your hair color or your complexion? Would you make sure you expressed all the good things about men so no one believed you might be gay?
Would you wear cover up make up "in case he is right" about you being purple?
Would you make sure you "hummed" everything you said to prove you DO like singing?? Well??

No, you'd say "He's nuts, and HIS DATA ABOUT ME IS NOT REAL"--

and that's why nothing HE says or thinks can matter.

He's so biased that his data is not real. Don't let untrue data in. I say this b/c everyday going to work in the city, I used to see a homeless man who lived on a street grill and HATED ME for some reason. I either reminded him of someone or I triggered a weird synaptic response in him but he routinely would yell at ME in public and say the oddest dirtiest things I've ever heard.

One day my BOSS was walking with me by the subway and the crazy homeless "grill man" yelled at me and my boss, God bless him, said 'Oh is that your old boyfriend?"

to which we both laughed and in an instant I realized I had let the grill man's insane "false data" cause ME to wonder about what "Signals' I was sending to the universe or if I should wear my hair differently or wear brighter colors...I mean, this grill man did NOT KNOW ME AT ALL and he is insane.

Your h, in contrast, has every reason to NOT be honest about you. He's done what is considered in ALL cultures and centuries, the "CAD" behavior of a scoundrel.

And it's not even his first time cheating, AND he's not even "in love" with OW enough to be faithful to HER...

so no, you do not get to take in a word HE says, about YOU to anyone.

Even If I heard those words from a man who DID BELIEVE that you had "trapped" him by getting pregnant with a 3rd child (as if HE is the trapped party!!!...)

and EVEN IF I BELIEVED YOU DID THAT, he's still cheating on a pregnant wife!

It would reflect so much more on him than on you, even if I believed every single word he said. But I sincerely doubt any woman does...fwiw.

It goes along with men/women who cheat on their spouse soldiers while they are deployed in combat...YOU JUST DO NOT DO THAT...EVER...

Make sense?

((( )))