Ok I wanted to post an update here. I decided not to reach out to him or do anything for now, until I had a clear and good idea on what if anything I should do or say. About an hour ago, he called me. I was surprised, but glad to hear from him.
He sounded down, but said he thought it was important to call, since we really haven't spoken at all. I just listened to him. He said he had to move hotels because it was becoming too expensive. He decided not to take the initial apartment he had been looking at, but would be deciding in the next two weeks if he wanted to get into another one or not. It sounds like he's on the fence as to whether or not he really wants to come back here.
He reiterated how tough it had been for him to feel like he didn't have a place to live, and how it impacted him very hard, and made him wake up and take notice. He talked about how tough the week had been with everything he had been trying to do, figure out, etc. He also mentioned again how he heard the things I had said in our argument and it affected him: how I had been saying he didn't love me, etc. Also how hard it had been to see me loading his stuff onto the porch when he began moving his stuff out.
I validated how he felt and told him that I was wrong for how my behavior caused him to feel that way, and that I gave him the impression I didn't want him here, because I would never kick him out or want him out. He should never have had to feel unsafe in a place that was supposed to be his sanctuary. I told him that I was taking a hard look at myself, and whether or not he decided to come back, that it was not ok to behave the way I did and that I can see how hurtful my actions were. That I have lots of changing to do. I let him know that it hurt me to see him having to struggle this week, and that my acting out of anger and spewing things that I didn't mean were unfair, regardless of how it's always been my "go to defense". I've been creating an atmosphere that made him feel unwelcome in his own home. I said that I am happy with him and I feel loved and supported by him. But when I'm angry and acting out, I don't behave that way.
He said he wasn't angry at me, he just thought it was important to let me know that he was considering moving, and was giving himself the 2 weeks to decide what exactly he wanted to do. I told him that of course I was hoping he'd come home, but that ultimately I supported whatever he decided to do was best for him. We made some small talk, I asked him if he's eating ok, what he's been doing, etc - we spoke for about 40 minutes, and I ended the conversation with "well I guess you have some things to figure out for yourself", and he agreed. I told him I was glad he called and said goodnight. And that was that.
I hope I did ok...really glad he called, but powerless over what his heart decides is best for him too. I figured it was best not to let the conversation drag on. I want him to feel like this is his choice, and I didn't want to ask too many questions or make it seem as if I was trying to affect the outcome.
Looks like you did well to me. You didnt beg him to come home or anything. It sounds like finances might work in your favor here. I view that as a good convo.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Thanks Ben. I really hope so. And I know he's been spending a bit needlessly lately, so I think that could be a good thing, in a way.
Either way, I have a lot of work to do. Just want him to know that it's all his choice, and I'm not going to get in the middle of that decision. No one (especially men, IMO) wants to be told what to do in any way, shape or form anyway.
I dont want to mind read here, but it does sound like he is wavering on his original intent. Who knows you could get lucky and play your cards right and have him back in 2 weeks. I hope and pray for you that that is the way this goes. I would love to see more success stories on here as there is a bit of a bias right now. I feel like most of the people that have had success have stopped writing here. That makes sense and all since they have a M to work on, but I would like to hear more of the stories.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
One last update: and Ben, I hope you're right on his orig intent. I just got a text from him saying that what he didn't get to tell me tonight was that he really misses me. That's the first (only) positive thing he's said for a week and a half! I had to read it a few times, just to make sure I was reading it correctly, ha! I don't want to overanalyze it, but I like it...
I was actually thinking about that idea tonight that you mentioned also... that oftentimes we might not see all of the positive end results from everyone here because like the saying goes, "once you find what you're looking for, you stop looking".
If we do have a positive outcome, I'll be sure to post about it. I like when others do that too - it gives me hope.
WOW! I hope you responded back with something simple there though. Dont want to overreact and let him know that he just did exactly what you wanted him to. That is terrific news though for you. I wont take all the credit for the prayers though...j/k lol. No, but really Im happy for you. Im sure that made your night too.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Amen, I think you must have a "direct line" up there, ha! I'll hope and pray for you too, although I don't know your sitch yet...
And yeah, I kept it simple. My response was that one of our dogs read his text and smiled.
I wish, Ive been blowing up God's phone lately. He will figure this out for me though Im sure. One way or another I will make it. Keep up what youre doing.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I wanted to share some more hope.... it was kind of quiet today, we hadn't had any contact yesterday or today, although I have been feeling pretty good about how things are (slowly) seeming to be looking up. I didn't feel like I "had to" or "needed to", but it was starting to get really hot here where we are, and I know my H's reptiles are outside in the garage where it's super hot...
So I texted him to let him know it was like 92 today and would be 98 tomorrow. Asked him if they would be ok out there? He responded something like "oh shoot, I better bring them in...is it ok if I stop by now?"
I thought, great, yes come by...but then changed it to, 'why does he want to stop by now when I look like I've been wrestling with the dogs for two hours in the heat?' So I ran and put my hair up, washed my face and threw on something cute but casual enough not to set off any bells. And he showed up a few min later. (Had his ring on, which was nice to see).
It wasn't anything magical, but I did hug him hello. And then I left him alone and got back to work. He said it was a good thing he brought the reptiles in, because they were not looking good! I asked him if he decided what he might do yet, and he paused. I thought "oh nice, wrong question". He said he hadn't decided. I said "I can understand that. You think maybe you'll know by the end of the month? I kind of need to figure out what I'm going to do here, with rent and everything, you know."
He said something like, "You know...it's just that same thing I mentioned already. I can't go through that again, feeling that way."
I told him I knew, and I don't blame him. That I was really wrong for my part in making him feel insecure in his own house. He also added that when he was just sitting in a room, and here I come, and try to tell him to leave the room, or where he should go, that it really affects him. I just listened and said that I had been really thinking about that a lot, and that I had no right to impinge on his personal space like that. I also promised I would never (lightly or seriously) threaten him with words like "why don't you leave, etc". I told him I would prefer it if he came home, but I didn't want to push.
He said something like "You sure you don't just want me to come home because of the rent or something?"
I told him I could pay the rent myself, as he knows I just got a large pay increase, so that ends that. He looked like he was coming around a little bit more, but I left it at that for the most part...he had to go to work, so he said he'll get in touch with me on Sunday.
Later I texted him that our house wouldn't be a home until he was back in it. And he said thanks for that. And that's my night.
In other news, I'm staying busy and not thinking about it too much...aside from how I can make sure I don't behave like that person again! I hope he comes home, and I think he will, but I don't want a repeat of this as much as he doesn't...so I need to figure out how to keep this permanent and change my actions when things start to escalate.
So my H is moving back home tomorrow! I'm really happy about it and just spoke for a few minutes about it. He still seems slightly down but wanted to know again that I wanted him back home, which I told him I do, very much.
I'm sure we're both cautious right now because it hasn't been an easy couple of weeks, but I really want to make sure I tread lightly. Which I just seemed to have forgotten to do on our call!
We were talking a bit about his job and how much he's been working lately, and I mentioned that I've been thinking about a possible idea we can talk more about tomorrow....I hinted that I had been thinking about the possible idea of maybe in a year or so, moving from our place into a cheaper place where I could pay the majority of the rent and bills and he could focus on the stuff he really wants to do. I said that it was only an idea, and he may like it or hate it, but I had just been thinking about it since he works a lot and maybe this would be a way to focus on something else and his hobbies, and I can put more savings away for us, etc. That didn't go over well at all!
He said "what are we gonna do if we move to X or Y? That's like the total opposite of the direction I want to go. That's freaking me out a little."
I could see I messed up and that this was HARDLY the time to bring this up, but I thought there was a possibility he might like the idea! Oops. I said "Don't worry, it's only an idea, if you hate it we don't have to do it. It's only a thought." That didn't seem to ease his mind, so I told him to please not worry, it was just something I was thinking about, we didn't ever have to do it!
He then had to get off the phone to get back to work so the conversation was cut short a bit. Why did I bring that up?? I honestly thought it was a good idea and that he would appreciate that I was trying to make his life easier, save money, etc. Nope. When will I learn?
Anyway aside from that glitch, I'm happy that he's coming home. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I'm going to do my best to maintain a low profile, feed him, make him feel comfortable (it is still his house) and just welcome him back with no pressure. I just feel weird now that I did that.
