Wife's mental illness and hard decision

[Lifes Twists]

A lot has been going on this week. The wife wants to have bed rooms in bot places for the girls. I told her that I supported it, but had some requests from DCF. She contacted DCF herself and got the same answer that I gave her. I told her I still support the idea and we should meet with the lawyers to figure it out.

I followed this with a call back to a head hunter concerning a job. I presently have a job, but will entertain better offers. He forwarded my resume to the company and they immediately set up a phone interview. They followed up the phone interview with a request for an in person interview, so I have my fingers crossed.

My middle daughter graduated High School on Friday. Her boy friend and I sat together. I asked my younger two to sit with their mother. I think it went well.

Since the graduation I have had some time to clear my head and consider things. I want to continue on my own growth and be the kind of person that I hope to become. This includes having compassion for others and taking time to think things through before reacting.

To this end I have considered all that has happened in the past 6 weeks as well as what happened last year when I had a bad reaction to medication. I realize the fear that my daughters felt because of my reaction to the medication and the loneliness I felt till I was able to reestablish our relationship. I feel right now my two youngest are showing that same fear with their mother. To try and help them through this I continue to talk to them and encourage them to spend time with their mother.

I have also decided to have them go down today and get the rooms at the apartment set up so they can stay with their mother. I am planning on them staying with her at least on Friday and saturday evenings to start.

This may not be what DCF has envisioned. I know with my conversation with them this week that they expect me to make sure the girls are safe. I feel that I can get the feed back from my girls if something is not right and we can do something about it. My hope is my wife will begin to be happier and less sad. If this happens I know my girls will be happier as well. Their happiness will be the best Fathers Day gift I can ask for. Crossing my fingers and hoping things go smoothly.

[labug]

Hi labug,

What i wrote did not come out the way I meant it too. I actually do know it is an illness. I have stuck by her through many ups and downs as this illness has progressed. I spend a lot of time with my daughters right now and explain to them that it is an illness and we need to all pray that their mother gets the help she needs to over come it and get better. I have stood by her through a lot including this past year and been consistent in not running her down and in my support of her even though she had left me. I m trying to set the example for my daughters to not abandon someone when things go bad and that family comes first no matter what. I think that the fact they are all back living with me including my oldest and are seeking guidance from me speaks volumes to my efforts. I still don't want a divorce and have hopes for the future. I have to do what I have to do to protect my daughters for now. I met with my attorney this morning and left with the understanding that everything would be to protect the girls and that I wanted my wife to suffer as little to no emotional suffering as possible. I am not even asking for child support. All I seek is to be able to stay in the house till the kids are through school as they have been uprooted enough. I am asking to not pay alimony because I need the money for the kids. I asked that her car be paid off or refinanced in order to remove my name so my credit is not damaged anymore than it has been. I need it to be good enough to co sign student loans for my daughters as my wife has destroyed hers this past year. I am not asking her to finish paying me so I can pay off the loan I took to pay off her attorney from the last go round. I think I have shown a lot of compassion and acceptance and hope my girls will learn from my example and be able to do the same if they ever have to.

You're doing a fine job. I think you would agree, until you've lived with someone with MI, you have no idea what that life can be like. ((( )))

The post I responded to had a different vibe, I was just getting clarification on what you wrote.

Sometimes you have to walk away. Doesn't mean you don't love and support, but we all have boundaries (hopefully).

[labug]

So, I am sitting here this warm afternoon struggling with what to do. I met with my lawyer and he says that my wife actions have actually simplified the divorce. You might think I am relieved with that, unfortunately I got more difficult news to deal with. I met with my pulmonologist and he gave me some news that made me sit back. I have never smoked in my life. Apparently I have a life threatening lung condition. They are still trying to give it an exact name. he told me that he wants to determine if I will need a lung transplant as soon as possible as the wait is a long one.

My struggle right now is do I tell anyone. I can't tell the wife due to her issues. I don't want to upset the kids as I am seeing them getting a bit settled after a year of upheaval.My parents are too elderly and won't handle it well and just make the situation worse. I am trying to apply some of what I have learned here and trying to detach from it a little till I know more. Just when I thought some of my life was getting on a better track something else comes along.

Wow, that's a punch in the gut you didn't need.

I think your plan to detach and learn more is a very good one. Take it a day at a time. Did the doc at least give you a couple of ideas on what it might be?

[labug]

I'm just catching up, thus all the posting.

Do the girls want to stay with mom? Do they feel safe?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi labug,

The Dr showed me lots of cat scan images and then gave me a few ideas. He at least was the first to do this. He has some tests set up which I am sure will have more to follow.

My girls have always tended to flea in fear than to confront it. When they were little the neighbors got a small puppy. The girls saw it and ran for the house and refused to go out. We went and got a puppy then and they learned to gt over that fear and love that dog to this day. We have faced other fears with them and found for them the best solution was to create the situation where they could face and conquer their fears. I am hoping this will be the same situation. My oldest has said to me her mom seems sad and has mentioned that she needs to find something to do now that she does not have her daughters with her. My hope is that having them get their rooms in order down there and then staying will help the fears as well as their mothers sadness. I believe the girls feel safe. I think they are just afraid to do the wrong thing and cause their mother to try again. I keep reassuring them that they were not the cause and that they need to treat their mother in a regular fashion and not be afraid.

[SemperFi00]

LT, just checking in. Congrats on getting the 2nd one thru high school.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Sounds like you are handling difficult situation(s) in the best way possible.

Stay strong!

[labug]

Your Ds are all old enough to know what they feel safe with and who they feel safe with, whether it's your W or a stranger. Maybe asking them, if you haven't already, would give some insight. By asking you show you understand and respect them and are allowing them a safe place to share their fears, if they have any. If they say they don't feel safe you have some other decisions to make.

I'm all for keeping families together but sometimes it has to be done in creative ways.

[SemperFi00]

hi LT, hope all is well.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi SemperFi,

Things are good and bad right now. Last Friday I got laid off due to lack of work. I had been looking for work, but had stop with the suicide attempt and all. I am relieved to some degree as the place was getting bad in terms of the working environment.

The girls and I are getting along real well.

The girls are starting to spend time with their mother. The problem is that I just found out this morning that she is drinking again.This is a major setback for her. My oldest is trying to get her to AA. She has agreed to go with my oldest.

We were supposed to meet today with the lawyers to discuss parenting plan. She begged off as being unable to met with me at this point. The two lawyers are meeting. Mine is aware that she is drinking again. I am hoping that they will find a way to get her help so she does not loose access to the kids.

I am of course struggling with all that is going on. My lawyer is going to get me a new counselor who has a focus on substance abuse and families to give me a better support for how to handle this situation. See how things go.

[SemperFi00]

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear about the setbacks.....

Stay strong - you can get thru this.......

Thoughts and prayers are with you.