Your H sounds like my wife! Same flip of a switch change but she has filed for D. I am still fighting the fight! She has stayed out all night for 15 of 25 days, is a mini OM and repeats his words actions etc! Trying to ignore and detach. 5 kids all under 9. So very hard to do. I am sole wage earner and come home to be sole caretaker now. Always been perfect Mom and Wife prior to October when the nightmare began! Good luck I hope he comes to his senses and does not have to hit rock bottom to realize grass is not greener!
Scooby, Generally, when they appear nice, they want something. Not all will be this way, but there are some that will be this way just to get what they want.
As for the kids playing w/ow's relative, I'm sure he's not thinking w/the proper "head". It's more of pleasing the ow and getting your kids use to being around her family and friends. Maybe she's babysitting the child and wants to provide that child w/some company...but I don't think I would allow it either at this time.
Find something for your children to do this weekend that will keep them super busy. Take them to the park or a museum for the day. That way, you will have a far better excuse then just saying no.
Stand your ground and do not back down if you feel strongly about your children associating w/relatives of the ow's for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with Job. Keep the kids busy this weekend. So they don't have time to go play with OW's relative.
Also, yes, generally when they appear nice it is because they want something.
To answer your questions to me, I am not sure why I was asked to look at your sitch. We can see similarities in all of our sitches because while every MLC is unique, there are also hallmarks common to them as well.
With some of us oldtimers, when someone asks, that is all we need to know. I haven't read your whole sitch yet but I will try to get to it.
I do see that you say he is walking all over your boundaries...
I scuk at boundaries. Because I too make them unenforcable. Or I make too many of them, or I make them and hope they will be followed because I really don't want to enforce them. So when they are broken, I don't do anything because I didn't want to to begin with.
He can only break your boundary if you allow him to. Just like your kids can only break the rules if you allow them to.
Also, look for a book by Jim Conway. I don't remember the name of it and it's pretty old and hard to find, but it is about MLC.
There really isn't much out there because it isn't considered a true psychiatric diagnosis.
Job also pointed you to a good thread. Spend some time in the archives, it is a plethera of wisdom and laughter.
And my name, well it totally fits my personality.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Jim and Sally wrote books about Jim's MLC. Here are the books that many of us found invaluable many, many years ago:
Men in Mid-Life Crisis by James Conway Your Husband's Mid-Life Crisis by Sally Conway Surviving Male Menopause, A Guide For Women and Men by Jed Diamond Male Menopause by Jed Diamond Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for the responses. Amazingly I finally have a boundary, and I am not budging because he hit MOMMA BEAR! So far we are good. I am going to be taking the kids out soon. I told him what we were doing and he is welcome to come. H will drag his feet as usual and say he is coming last minute (it is the control thing - whatever.)
Thanks so much for the reading suggestions. I don't know why but reading about this whole mess calms me - I think that is weird. My IC is running out of things to give me to read. She has given me 3 to 4 books to read every week and I come back saying done - I want more. Some of the books I have bought my own copy after reading the libraries. DB and DR are those - my therapist actually had me read them early on. And of coarse I keep rereading them. I wish that I had known about the website back then - oh well.
Thanks for those that helped me through my panic. I have not had one of those panic attacks in a couple of months. I belong to 2 forums and everyone said I was right in setting this boundary - makes me feel better.
H did monster today and I stood my ground again. We will see I have to get thru today and tomorrow before I know that he is listening. H has always mowed over my decsisions.
I have not told him not to talk about OW because I don't want to make a big deal of it. H is still claiming they are just friends. However, I am wondering what is up - he was over there everynight for like 6 weeks and now in the last week he has come home right after work 3 times. I think the longer I can keep it on the downlow the better. H won't fess up about OW anyhow bc of work...dumb A. H tells me very little about OW and family. Maybe 2 things a week - he is pretty hush hush about it. And dipstick just went in the garage to make a phone call - what a maroon! Do you think it is ok for now to not say don't talk about her and her family?
THANKS AGAIN I REALLY APPRECIATE MY NEW FOUND FRIENDS!!! The only thing that would make it better is if some of you lived nearby.
I'd suggest that you head over in the Infidelity forum and read up a bit on Train's latest thread (Loot & Laywers). Starsky and I helped Train work up a boundary on her H's OW. You'd want to learn about about setting up a boundary for yourself as well.
Dodged the bullet today - he did not even bring up having OW relative spending time with kids. I kept the kids busy, and invited H - he decided last minute to come (H has done that every single time since this all started.) I am hoping that i won't have to deal with it tomorrow.
Last week H has spent less time with OW. I wonder why. It has to be her sending him away - because he is so into her. When we were out about, I was disgusted by him. To know that he has been with OW and probably is a walking STD - YUCK! I still love him, whoever him is. I get excited when I see the old person, but I know that person will never come back to stay.
I have looked at finances and DUMB A has spent $10,000 in 6 months. When he does buy it is big ticket items. A lawyer suggested I keep track of these and can point out in divorce proceedings.
I am not getting tons of hang up calls on home phone and cell phone - only when H is gone. They are an unlisted number - well my friend works for phone company adn I talked to cell phone carrier. Most are coming from OW and some from his other new friends. I have the records to prove it. I am thinking maybe I will sue her for harrassment adn emotional distress. She has no money, but it would be a hoot to embarass her. Seriously not going to do it, but keeping the evidence non the less. WTF with calling and hanging up. OW is past middle age - but acts like she is 20. GEEZE H really found a winner. I read somewhere that they always choose some lower class person - that is putting it nicely...LMAO
Thanks everyone for the help and suggestions. I really appreciate it! You all are in my thoughts and prayers! Thanks again - right now you guys are my life line...:)
