For Scorp7...since your thread is locked.

[Scorp7]

[b][/b]

Our life was incredibly stressful and I didn't help things with my attitude. I was constantly pushing for more, never seemed to really be happy or satisfied with the life we had. With the many stressful things we were dealing with (quick recap from the past 2 year, my Mom had major health problems that my W and I helped her with, we bought into a business, our son was born, we built a big house on an acreage that was a major project and didn't go well, I worked full time and played in a band, my W worked from home and cared for our kids when I was at work). WAY too much stress. We were both likely clinically depressed and although we talked a LOT, I did most of the talking and I don't think my W felt she could tell me her true feelings. She witnessed me being angry a lot, not towards her or our kids but just in general. I wasn't much fun to be around a lot of the time.

Ok ready? Wwlcome to life...life its a learning proccess, it happened too many things and they were most of them new to you so you didnt knew how to handle them...its fine, it happens to all of us, we are human beings not programmed robots that know how to act in every situation...

Depression its an illness and there is no: I am depressed and I dont want to be depress and thennsuddenly everything its great... You both were sick, whats the problem? All of us had suffered depression just accept it and dont look to be mr perfect...

No, although she did see other women get far too friendly with me when I played shows.

Pretty normal that woman get close to you....here she is not taking care of her jelousy and thats not your problem...she has to take care of that...

I didn't encourage that but I should have done more to discourage it for sure. I always assured her she was the only one for me and that the shows were just a show but it still bothered her I'm sure.

You did reassure her (thats what you just said) what else could you had done? Carry a pepper spray and flash them everytime they get close? Again this is your W issue not yours...

The worst things I did was I once accused her of being lazy (very stupid thing to say and I apologized profusely). I also would be critical of how she did things at times. I thought I was helping or trying to fix things but I definitely didn't go about it in the right way.

Ok, I didnt knew how to repair a car a few years ago...now I know...
Do you really think she divorced you because you called her lazy? Hmmm think about it bro

We had a LOT to be happy about in our lives but I never really learned how to be happy.

There you are, life its a learning proccess, now in this time in your life you can pursuit how to be happier and appreciatte what you have... I dont see again no problem in there....She tried to MAKE me happy by doing anything and everything for me but when she saw I often didn't seem to be appreciative of what she did or what we had she gave up. The last two years were definitely what pushed things over the edge.

Ok perfect you see something you dont like and that its your responsability to change...180 from now on into that


Her parents didn't approve of me either. I was not their ideal SIL. I had long hair, played in bands, I made good money but not in a field they would really respect.

Thats their problem not yours, its based on ignorance, your physical aspect and proffession unless you are hurting others like a contract killer, doesnt change who you are...there are tons of rockstars that fall in love and have kids and treat them perfectly... So thats BS
I was pretty shy and insecure around them so they took that I didn't like them or didn't want them around.

Another 180 to work on...find insecurities and if you dont like to be shy then do something to change that...

Also, when it came to our sex life I was pretty adventurous and my W was the total opposite. If my W told her mother about any of that (it's likely she did) then that would NOT have gone over well at all.

Sex its sex, if she had issues with that or the way you like sex, talking about it and visiting a sex therapist could help...you dont dennie your sex preferences because a person doesnt like them....unless your sex inclinations hurt and threat physically the other person....

Basically your W pretty much had some things to work on but she preffered to blame you for them and you instead of supporting yourself preffer to denied yourself, cancel yourself as a person so you can have a R with your W....

Thats not the way R works... Not in Canada and not here....
She didnt accept you and you didnt accept yourself so basically instead of separating because she didnt like who you are you prefer to change yourself so she can stay....
I dont recommend D but if you are being honest and saying all the true, you guys were simply not compatible to be together...

Thats like if I go to a social club where to be a member I have to drink tequila and I am allergic to tequila....
Well I can force myself to drink tequila and maybe I will die... Or I can just look for another social club dont you think?

If my W calls me tomorrow and tells me, I left you because I like woman... I am not going to change my sex and body so she can be with me...

Thanks ye21, you make a LOT of great points.

[Scorp7]

Just say thank her, validate her, confirm you'll be there next weekend and leave it at that. Most of all, listen to what she says by saying she will "need to spend some time thinking on this" and don't bring it up again. She wants the house sold, she knows you won't agree to terms until you agree to parenting terms so she will bring the kids up again on her own. Practice being patient.

Barry, I agree. The problem with being patient is that the longer I do nothing legally with my kids the more it hurts my chances of 50/50. At this point I don't think I can be more patient with her, I've got to get the L involved. I wish I didn't have to but it is what it is at this point.

[Scorp7]

My W's response:

I am not willing to consider moving back to the your area.

Thank you for your reply to my questions. I will need to spend some time thinking on this. I think until we are able to come to an agreement on this, the schedule and terms should remain as they are. Which would bring us to next weekend and it being the kids weekend with you being Friday to Sunday in W's Home Town. If you could let me know for sure that you are coming then the kids can be planning for it.

D6's immunizations went very well today and she will not need any others until she is in Grade 6.

She is stalling. Nothing I've proposed in my last message is new so saying she needs to think about it is nothing more than a stall tactic. Looks like she'll be hearing from my L next week.

I should respond to this, any ideas on what I should say?

[ye21]

You can say something like:

I accept your decission.

I agree with you in continue with the same conditions as for now.

I underestand you need to take time to think about it, if there is anyway I can help you on this, please let me know.

Thank you for keep me updated on the d6 vaccine, its amazing how fast she is growing and I wish it didnt hurt her a lot to get the inmunizations.

Have a great weekend.

[cat04]

Scorp,

I would simply reply whether you are going to get the kids or not and thank her for letting you know about D.

I have to say that I disagree with Ye's assessment about sex being simply sex.

Reality of life, we all have different preferences. You are not going to meet someone who enjoys the same exact things that you do. Similar, yes. Same, no. However part of every relationship is communication and compromise. So it is possible that you forego some of the things that you like or she partakes in some things she might not like too much for the sake of the relationship.

So unless you selfishly coerced her into doing things that she was adamantly opposed to, I would try to let that guilt go.

As for the threesome thing...again I would let go of the guilt. You asked, she answered, and obviously nothing came of it.

Not knowing how it was approached or the dynamics of your relationship...I can see how that was possible that her feelings were hurt and that IS something that she should have dealt with within herself and by talking to you.

I would recommend examining your motives in asking for sexual things that she might not have liked. I would examine if they are things that you will need in the future, for the future.

One of two things will happen, you will reconcile and have to deal with the issue, or you will meet someone else and have to deal with the issue.

I see so much trying to make each other happy that neither of you was really happy in your posts...which leads me to the thought that communication was not the best.

Learning to be a better listener and a better communicator will benefit you in the long run.

[Scorp7]

All of the things I was doing, whether it was sexually, music, work, etc, all were greatly effected by my insecurity. I needed to work on myself and look inward to find happiness rather than all of these external things I was looking for. Now that I know that I've made a ton of progress so I don't see myself making the same mistakes again in the future.

The communication with my W wasn't very good. We talked a lot, or I should say I talked a lot, but we weren't really honest with each other. I also need to learn to be a much better listener for sure. No matter what happens with our M I hope we can learn to communicate with each other honestly in the future.

With the response to my W, I'm going to say something like:

"Thanks for your reply. Unless you hear otherwise from me, I will always come to pickup the kids when it's my time to have them with me.

I'm glad to hear that D6's immunizations went well.

Have a good weekend."

[Barrybran]

Just say thank her, validate her, confirm you'll be there next weekend and leave it at that. Most of all, listen to what she says by saying she will "need to spend some time thinking on this" and don't bring it up again. She wants the house sold, she knows you won't agree to terms until you agree to parenting terms so she will bring the kids up again on her own. Practice being patient.

Barry, I agree. The problem with being patient is that the longer I do nothing legally with my kids the more it hurts my chances of 50/50. At this point I don't think I can be more patient with her, I've got to get the L involved. I wish I didn't have to but it is what it is at this point.

Scorp, one or two more weeks is not going to change your legal situation but could make the world of difference with your wife because you listened. You have the lawyers in your back pocket.

[Drew]

With the response to my W, I'm going to say something like:

"Thanks for your reply. Unless you hear otherwise from me, I will always come to pickup the kids when it's my time to have them with me. I will be there to pick up the kids on Friday.

I'm glad to hear that D6's immunizations went well.

Have a good weekend."

[cat04]

All of the things I was doing, whether it was sexually, music, work, etc, all were greatly effected by my insecurity. I needed to work on myself and look inward to find happiness rather than all of these external things I was looking for. Now that I know that I've made a ton of progress so I don't see myself making the same mistakes again in the future.

Scorp...right now you are at the beginning.

It is really easy to slip back into old patterns, even after the "changes" actually become natural for you (which they haven't yet).

The communication with my W wasn't very good. We talked a lot, or I should say I talked a lot, but we weren't really honest with each other. I also need to learn to be a much better listener for sure.

That is evidenced by this...

Uh, yeah, I guess it did. Not sure what the deal is here. If the idea is that I'm not telling everything then I guess I'm done here. Pretty sad that I seek help and then be accused of lying or withholding info. Good stuff. Very thankful for those that have helped out, it was very much appreciated.

You wrote that yesterday.

You were angry and defensive and ready to walk away from the process. As well as a little sarcastic.

Neither your listening or your communication was very good here and I believe that is a good example of how you were in the past.

So keep working at it. Keep changing. Listen to the people here instead of trying to argue and explain yourself so much...

Look at the things that are said to you as if they are being said to someone else and see if your desire to explain or argue diminishes.

Sometimes we have to step back from the situation in order to see it more clearly.

Hey Drew...excellent correction

[Scorp7]

Barry, I'd like to think that. My fear (there's that word again) is making me feel like I've already waited this long and that waiting any longer will hurt my chances further with my kids. On the flip side, I have fear that getting the L to serve my W with papers will derail any positive gains that have been made with her willingness to share time with the kids. I'm still leaning toward having the L do her thing.

Drew, good edit to my message. I'm not sure why my W continues to ask if I'm coming to see my kids or not, or course I'll always be there, so I felt the need to clarify that. Leaving out that line is probably best though.

Cat, you're right. I do feel like I've slipped back the last few weeks. I think my changes had been centered around R with my W and not just for myself. I don't know if there is any hope for a R with my W or not (it seems hard to believe there is a chance right now) but I need to continue with my changes for myself and my kids and leave my W out of it.

It's hit me very hard just how totally my life was about my W and kids since this whole thing started. I'm trying to get back out into the world and have a life of my own again. It's been hard to do, I'm realizing I didn't have much of a life at all outside my family, other than my music. Since I've given up the band I'm feeling very alone these days. I've always hated being alone and living in our family home is pretty painful a lot of the time.