Upwards - DB myself to happiness!

[Breakdown]

Thank you Breakdown, your posts always help me so much.

You're welcome. Hopefully you can learn from my (other others') mistakes, and get thru it a little less scathed.

My IC has told me to do the NC and even if I waiver when having a bad day and end up contacting, dont throw the towel in just get back to it - so that's what i'm going to do instead of beating myself up if I do end up contacting him at some point.

Yeah, chances are you will slip at times...just be good to yourself, do the best you can, and protect your heart.

He's just emailed me saying how sorry he is & if I need anything to let him know, he's making promises of dealing with his fears and has booked to see his counselor on Monday so maybe its given him a kick up the bum too - either way that isn't my problem to think about!

Your attitude is great.....but be prepared for the possibility of much spew. I've seen it with my XW for a long time. You want them to figure their crap out and make some decisions about themselves, but that is really the LAST thing they want to do. So before they get there, they will try everything else they can think of to get you back where they want you.

[Upwards]

In the past when I've tried NC & ended up contacting him I've then just beat myself up & ended up back in full contact - I CANT let that happen this time, need to see it like an addiction & get "back on the wagon" as quick as possible after a slip instead of going on a binge lol.

Yes he's already pulled the "feel sorry for me" card by saying he's worn out with it all, erm yep me too matey!! Not falling for it, he can't manipulate me anymore like he once used to, I'm wise to his tactics now most of the time. When im feeling low is when I get sucked in, all the more reason to resist contact though I suppose!

Thanks again Breakdown, really appreciated.

[3boymom]

My IC has told me to do the NC and even if I waiver when having a bad day and end up contacting, dont throw the towel in just get back to it - so that's what i'm going to do instead of beating myself up if I do end up contacting him at some point.

This is so true! Be kind to yourself. This journey is long and hard. There will be great days and bad days. The goal is to just keep moving, no matter what the day presents you with. The hardest thing is to stay present - to drop what happened in the past and to forget about what may happen in the future.

[Upwards]

This is so true! Be kind to yourself. This journey is long and hard. There will be great days and bad days. The goal is to just keep moving, no matter what the day presents you with. The hardest thing is to stay present - to drop what happened in the past and to forget about what may happen in the future.

I'm terrible for beating myself up & expecting too much of myself, I'm really working on treating myself how I'd treat a friend - habit of a lifetime is hard to change though.

I think I'm going to buy a mindfulness book to help me stay in the present too, can't do any harm can it

[melissag]

I'm terrible for beating myself up & expecting too much of myself, I'm really working on treating myself how I'd treat a friend - habit of a lifetime is hard to change though.

Every time you catch yourself doing this, imagine saying the same thing to your little girl. That should give you an idea of how destructive it is, and remind you to STOP.

[Upwards]

I'm terrible for beating myself up & expecting too much of myself, I'm really working on treating myself how I'd treat a friend - habit of a lifetime is hard to change though.

Every time you catch yourself doing this, imagine saying the same thing to your little girl. That should give you an idea of how destructive it is, and remind you to STOP.

Thanks melissa, I'll give that a try. I tend to do it without even realising so the first step would be to recognise when I'm being hard on myself then I can work on trying to stop it.

[ye21]

Upwards I am in the same situation you are...not knowing if I am getting D or not, but while my W figures out things I cant treat myself like I am not worth it, I know its hard and maybe they never come back but Ibam not the one who forced her to leave the house, I am not the cause of her unhapiness, so why would I stop being happy? Fake it untill you make it, he knows how you are and he wants you back he is also gonna have to fight for that...my W knows me if she wants me back she is gonna have to deal with her fears and insecurities... I cant be in a R in which everytime she is scared she runs away.... And if she doesnt come back ever thats her choice and I respect that...its hard I know my W left only 2 months and a half ago...but stopping living my life and enjoying things because one person wasnt happy?? Then what? 2 unhapppy people? Lets be serious as much as I love her, I love myself too and yes or yes I am gonna move on with my life... Either she likes or not...thats my choice not her choice and you have to do the same...

[labug]

Thanks melissa, I'll give that a try. I tend to do it without even realising so the first step would be to recognise when I'm being hard on myself then I can work on trying to stop it.

Upthread you mentioned getting a mindfulness book, practicing mindfulness will help you recognize your emotions so that you can accept what you're feeling without judgment and let it go. Out thoughts aren't the truth just because we think them. Our minds play tricks on us all the time.

You might also look into acceptance and commitment therapy.

[Upwards]

ye21 - I agree, we have to keep carrying on with our lives and make the best of it. I know my H certainly isn't happy, there is no point in us both being miserable. I have no idea if my H will come back but I do suspect he will eventually, either way I have no intention of putting my life on hold for him any longer.
Your doing great by the sounds of things keep going!

labug - I'm going to look into those things now, thank you very much for that

[Upwards]

I sent my H an email last night running through how I want things to work with the kids and if he needs to contact about the business etc. I got this reply today, sounds like my ultimatum and stopping contact has given him a kick up to butt...

Hi W,

I do care about u, but I struggle with my own fears.

I miss my friend but know it's too hard for u at the min. I'm sitting down with Steve (counselor) on Monday and I want to write u a letter and get past my fears of loosing control.

Hope the kids are good I miss them loads. If u need some money for the bills or stuff for the kids don t hesitate to tell me and I will do my best to sort it.

I take full responsibility for all of this, I honestly dont want to hurt u anymore x