One year in but a newbie

[Lifes Twists]

I wanted to post a email I sent my Wife in regards to a trip we are going to leave on in 2 weeks to visit a college down south for our middle daughter. One of my 180s is to not make the decisions but to ask for her input. Here is the email and let me know what you think:

Hi XXXX,

I have been thinking about the upcoming trip south with Andrea to see the school she wants to attend. I have some concerns and want to clear things up before we leave.

We are going on this trip as Andrea’s parents and hopefully as friends. I have noticed that you still use the word ”our” at times in relation to things like money, dog, and other things that were true when we were a married couple. I know that this is probably just a habit. This throws me at times and makes me feel uncomfortable. I just want to point this out as I am sure that I probably say things too out of habit that may make you feel uncomfortable and are no longer appropriate.

What are your thoughts on sleeping arrangements?

I think we should clarify this before we leave.

How do you want to split the expenses?

As friends we should agree on the splitting of cost up front so that we don’t start this trip with different expectations.

I also want to make sure that if either of us feels the other has stepped over a line that it is alright to correct them and not have any hard feelings.

I want this trip to go well for Andrea. I know that we can go as friends as long as we both have expectations that are consistent with friends and not as a couple. I want everyone to feel comfortable during the trip and have a good time.

[labug]

It's sounds like veiled control

Try again.

It's hard to let go of control, it keeps up safe, or so we think.

[Lifes Twists]

This week has been a crazy week and I need some advice on how I should proceed. To start off last Sunday my wife went out on a first date with someone. I found out from my daughters, but did not ask too much. On Monday i went to doctor and got an antibiotic for a head cold. Tuesday morning before work I found my basement flooded due to a broken water heater. Thursday I got a letter from the finance company that my wife has fallen behind on her car payment. Last night my wife called asking for help. She has screwed up her check book, has no money, maxed out both her credit cards and been rejected to cosign a college loan for my oldest daughter. She did offer to come to the house and help me clean up the mess that the flood has left.

Do I step in and offer to help her get her finances under control?

Do I let her come over and help me clean u the mess left by the flood?

The agreement was that she would cosign oldest daughters college loan and I was going to cosign middle daughters loan. Do I sign both now and hope they accept me for both or push back and see if she can get one of her family to cosign?

I don't want to let her cake eat. I also don't want her to feel I am persueing her. I also don't want to rub her face in it. How do I proceed?

[Lifes Twists]

Not sure how to handle tonight. I got a call from my daughters asking what I was having for dinner. They did not know what to do for dinner. Seems there mother left for a date without either completing dinner or really telling them how to finish it. While they were over I asked them if they needed help with homework. Youngest said she needed help with math. Youngest asked me if we could move south. I asked, what about your mother. Daughter said mom can stay here. I asked you would want to leave her alone and daughter responded that she is being annoying in reference to mom. I went back with daughters to apartment to help youngest with homework. Wife called youngest while I was there and asked what happened. I could hear the conversation as daughter was sitting next to me at the table working on homework. Daughter told her they did not know what to do with dinner so called me. Wife then asked her if I was there. daughter said yes, wife asked her why I was there in a way that I could tell she wanted to know if I forced my way in or was snooping. Daughter told her that she needed help with math and I was helping her. Wife then text me later and asked if girls ate the dinner she had started. I replied no and that I had put it in the frig so it would not go bad.

The girls are both in high school. I can understand needing help with the homework, but I think they should have been able to handle the dinner.

I am wondering if this was a set up to expose their mothers dating to me? Is it possible they are tired of covering for her? Should I read anything into my youngest saying her mother is acting annoying? Do I say anything now that the elephant is in the room? Since she is dating, should I?

[Lifes Twists]

After sleeping on it what concerns me the most is what my youngest said. My wife has said she did this for the girls. I know she will be angry and resentful that they don't fully appreciate all the she has sacrificed for them because she has already stated it to me before. I know that most MLC / WAW believe they are justifying what they do by many reasons other that the truth. I think my wife should be aware of what my daughter said by asking for me to move south and take her. She also said that mom could move to florida and live with her parents. Nothing indicated that she want to move south and live with her mother. I plan as soon as possible to share what was said with the wife so she can be aware of the anger that is building in our youngest. I hope my wife will take the time to think on it and also discuss with her IC before she does or says anything.

[AnotherStander]

Do I step in and offer to help her get her finances under control?

First, protect yourself, your W is out of control financially. Do you have a formal S agreement in place? Talk to your L and make sure you're insulated from your W's debt. You don't want to enter D arrangements only to discover she's hanging half her debt on you. Second, DO NOT TRY TO FIX HER. PERIOD. Usually no matter how desperate the WAS gets and no matter how terrible their financial situation, they STILL resent any help from the LBS.

Do I let her come over and help me clean u the mess left by the flood?

Up to you. If it's something you can handle yourself I would politely decline her offer, but if you genuinely need help or some of the stuff affected is hers then let her help.

The agreement was that she would cosign oldest daughters college loan and I was going to cosign middle daughters loan. Do I sign both now and hope they accept me for both or push back and see if she can get one of her family to cosign?

Tell her you don't think you can get approved on both loans and ask her what her plan is to get your older daughter taken care of. It is on her, not you.

I am wondering if this was a set up to expose their mothers dating to me?

Doesn't matter, you know she's dating. What matters is Y-O-U and your daughters. Your W should not be on your radar. By the way, personally I would not have gone to the apt. I would have told the girls to come to your place and you'd fix them dinner, then help them with homework at your place.

Should I read anything into my youngest saying her mother is acting annoying?

It shouldn't be a newsflash to you that your W is not her old self. WAS's don't just reject the LBS, they push back on everyone and everything they knew before.

Do I say anything now that the elephant is in the room? Since she is dating, should I?

I wouldn't mention it to her, but I wouldn't pretend you don't know either. IE, if W starts dropping hints then just act like it's old news.

After sleeping on it what concerns me the most is what my youngest said. My wife has said she did this for the girls. I know she will be angry and resentful that they don't fully appreciate all the she has sacrificed for them because she has already stated it to me before.

^^^All of THAT^^^ is your wife's problem/ issue. You've got to let go! Leave her to her life, you work on your life.

I plan as soon as possible to share what was said with the wife so she can be aware of the anger that is building in our youngest. I hope my wife will take the time to think on it and also discuss with her IC before she does or says anything.

And do you think it will make any difference, that she will take you seriously? Probably not. Your W will just see it as you trying to browbeat her/ guilt her into coming back. It's between her and your daughter/ daughters, don't try to intervene. You can't fix it. When your daughters come to you with stuff like this then remember your DB'ing, they don't want you to fix it, they want you to validate their feelings. Listen and validate!

[Bunches]

I have to agree with A.S. if you try to talk to your W about D feelings you will be trying to control her relationship with D and from what I can tell is likely to think you have something to do with it. I think that is between her and D. You can't control that.

As for the money, if she is asking for help I would think you might could help her work out a plan to manage it and any instructions to keep up with it. But paying for it would really depend on how much and / or how difficult that is for you. Remember, she made this choice and made the financial mistakes.

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks for the advice AS and bunches.

Tonight was another adventure and I am not sure how to view it and what way to go. I picked my oldest daughter up from college and brought her home for her spring break. When we got to the apartment I helped her carry things in. The anger as I entered was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I had only planned on dropping daughter off and leaving as soon as possible. My wife asked me to stay and help with the kids homework. Since it was for the kids, I stayed but could feel a lot of anger in the room. When the kids went up stairs I asked the wife what was wrong. She vented about the daughters, how she could not stand them, how unappreciated she feels after all she has sacrificed for them. I tried my best to validate her. middle daughter came down and started to lay into her, tell her she was always negative, etc. it was at that point that I think the real reason for some of my wife's anger came out. All she ever wanted was to make sure our kids go to college and get a good start in life. She showed me a piece of paper she had put together the financial situation as she is finally seeing it. She has proposed that the only way we can get the girls through college is to combine our living expenses and put a good size portion of our joint income towards the kids education. She has proposed that we look at the possibility being in an apartment together. Right now she sees it as a roommate situation and a means to getting the girls through school. I have not agreed to this. I have said we can discuss it and work through it to see if we can make it work.

Is this a small step towards her waking up? Should I see this as a small positive sign or should I run away as fast as I can? Will this lead to a a huge setback or does it have the potential to lead towards better things? I want to do what is best for my daughters. I told my wife I would think about it and that we will talk more this weekend.

I have a lot to think about and will probably loose sleep over it. Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.

[MrBond]

"I stayed but could feel a lot of anger in the room."

Alot of this is mindreading and speculation on your part. Go and enjoy the time you have with your kids and be jovial around your W. If she is angry about something, let her. It doesn't bother you and you know you're not the "cause" of it.

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks MrBond,

Thats basically what I did. Unfortunately it was not mind reading as my wife spewed out a long tirade to me about my two younger daughters. She was angry and felt they had tried to sabotage her date the evening before. She feels that she has sacrificed everything for them and that is the thanks she gets. I told her I can understand how she feels. I suggested that she explore this with her counselor. I encouraged her to try the opposite approach with them by giving encouragement instead of discouraging them from trying new things and growing up. I suggested that she show confidence in them. My wife always seems to cast doubt on them that they can do it. Right now she thinks my middle daughter won't last at the college she has chosen. She feels that we will have to go there and bring her home very quickly. That she can't make it on her own. I told my wife that she should not be saying things like this to our daughters. She should be setting a good example of a strong confident women to them and encourage them as they start to go out into the world.
At some point during our discussion my wife must have realized that her dating was now in the open, that I was aware of it and had not reacted in any way towards it. She tried to explain it to me that she was experimenting with online dating.

When my wife threw out the idea of us moving back together as room mates to share expenses in order to pay for our daughters college education I was floored.

Does anyone have any experience with moving back in with the WAW as a room mate? Is she trying to cake eat? I know she totally under estimated the cost of living separately since she has suggested that she could move back into the house and use the spare bedroom. This is the absolute last thing she wanted since she has stated in the past that she would never ever be dragged back into living in that house again next to my parents. I don't believe moving her and the girls back into this house would help the situation. I believe it would just reopen old wounds and be a set back. Do I even consider moving into a new living situation with her and the girls? If I did I am concerned I would be troubled by her dating and would eventually show it.

Help!!!!!!