I don't know if you are doing this...but keep a spreadsheet of what you spend money on for the children, the date and for what. One more thing...a column for a check off when he reimburses you.
I'm glad you advised him of what you've spent on the children. This should keep him quiet for a bit. He'll come up w/something else and I bet it will about the dog. LOL!
You'll need to keep this spreadsheet for a long time, maybe a year or so until things are completely settled.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You're right, Job. It will keep him quiet for a bit. But not for long. And I CC'd my attorney on the response.
I'm sure H thinks he can bully me into paying him back. I do keep receipts of all my expenses for the kids. I am emailing the receipts to my lawyer as well so we can have a paper trail.
Yes, he's mad all right. And he looks like an idiot. And I am sure I haven't heard the last on the dog deal.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Keep your spreadsheet and receipts. You will find by doing so that things will get easier, especially when he knows you are doing this. Yes, it's extra work, but it's one of the ways to shut him down when he comes banging at the door saying you owe him such and such for the kids.
He's going to try every avenue to get you to bend to his way of thinking and unfortunately, you've grown by leaps and bounds and yes, you are no longer under the same roof, so you have the power to not answer his texts or phone calls.
In the future, or at least until he begins to act like a civil, grown man, at events, sit in a row where there are other people and very few, if any vacant seats. I wouldn't put it passed him to try to sit w/you just to say what's on his mind. You do not need that kind of BS any longer.
Your life is now all about you and your children. He fired you as a wife, lover and companion, so you don't have to be responsible for cleaning up his messes which includes his financial messes any longer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Job. H did respond to my email from yesterday. He sent it after I left. He went on rambling about how I need to communicate better and we need to have a better understanding of what each other is spending blah blah blah. Thing is he knew I was paying these bills. So it's not like some big secret. I didn't even respond to that email. I just filed it away and shook my head.
This morning he emailed wanting to plan S's birthday party together. Hmmm...we will see what "together" actually entails. I told him to let me know when he was available to discuss. S already told me he doesn't want OW's kids at his party, only his friends and D. I totally get that, but I think it will be a severe bone of contention with H. But bring it on. Otherwise we can plan separate parties for S.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, If your son doesn't want the ow's children at his party, I think you may need to plan a separate one. You know your h is going to try to shove them down his throat and his special day will then become a miserable one.
Also, if you were to do a joint one, where you hold it? You know how your h is and he's not going to be happy w/anything you suggest.
I think the man is nuts...he's the one that needs to listen and communicate better w/you. You call him on his crap and he had to back down. I love it when they get caught in the web.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do want to mention that you might want to move quickly to remove your name from the house's deed and mortgage. You don't want H to pull you under financially and wreck your credit score further just because he thinks he can drag this out on and on.
Yep, agreed with all of the above. I've lived that, and that's exactly what works. I will add that it might help to start bowing out of "joint" planning, but you'll have to see if that works for you. My guess is that you'll end up more frustrated if you try to do "joint" things like that.
At some point, you may also want to consider pre-agreement on bills for the kids. For example, any receipt less than x number of dollars + a receipt to the other is reimbursed. No further questions. For me, that pre-agreement took the tit-for-tat off the table and clarified things. It also allowed us both to stay out of the other's hair.
Oddly, the shoe is on the other foot. He may have wanted this, but you're now the one that has to "leave" him. For your own sanity and for your kids sake. It's not that you can't co-parent, but that's not likely given who he is and how he acts. Not for a while anyway. Keep trying, but keep an eye on the bigger picture and figure out how to disentangle from him as best you can for all avenues of your life.
It takes time to develop the new normal so don't get discouraged. He will learn your boundaries over time and become less and less of a presence and impact to you and the kids.
He can't change his spots, WH. You can change and enforce your boundaries though.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
WH, If your son doesn't want the ow's children at his party, I think you may need to plan a separate one. You know your h is going to try to shove them down his throat and his special day will then become a miserable one.
Also, if you were to do a joint one, where you hold it? You know how your h is and he's not going to be happy w/anything you suggest.
I think the man is nuts...he's the one that needs to listen and communicate better w/you. You call him on his crap and he had to back down. I love it when they get caught in the web.
Well Job, S wants to have it at a place called "Skyzone" where they have a bunch of trampolines to jump on. He can invite 8 friends and the package offers pizza and pop.
H called me on my way home. He started out asking me what the login ans password was for our now defunct joint checking account? I told him I had no idea because it has been months since I have viewed anything with that checking account. That was weird. He told me he had to transfer some money into it. Hmmmm??? I said I thought that account was closed. He said no.
He then segwayed into S's birthday party. I asked him what his thoughts were and he reaffirmed that S wanted to go to Skyzone. He asked me how much it cost and I told him it was and he of course said he didn't know how he was gonna work it into the budget. I knew it. He's gonna try to weasel out of paying for this party. But if he doesn't pay then he has no say. No OW and no OW rugrats.
H then segwayed again into the hearing and what I thought. I told him I thought we needed to sit down and go over things and come to a settlement that we both could live with. He kept saying how he couldnt believe what the judge said about the house. I said well he is the judge and you can't argue with him. He just kept repeating that over and over. I was getting annoyed. H then started spewing about how this is such bad timing and he didn't know what to do. I finally lied and said S was calling me so I could get him off the phone.
What a whack job.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH - I don't think these people are capable of that thing called 'co-operation' or working together! Their way is the right way. He reminds me so much of my xh. Just out of interest, was your h a really nice man before all of this? My xh was a total sweetheart.
And AJ is right, we 'leave them' and this type of MLCer doesn't seem to like that. Never mind that they walked out on us, when we take the necessary steps to protect ourselves from their madness they do not like it.
In their mind (I have come to believe) we are still there as a punch bag. And you know, although much speculation about MLC leads nowhere, in this case I think they are still deeply emotionally attached to us. My xh can also do occasional nice and reasonable, then turn on a dime.
I think they truly have a personality disorder, and much of the time, when I am not worried about his next craziness, I feel so sorry for him. None of this turned out how he hoped.
They really do believe they know better than the judge! It is funny as well as sad and weird.
Wow. Just wow on that conversation you had with him, WH.
Bad timing??? Really? Nice.
Keep in mind if you don't end the conversation with him, it will never end. In Bea's case, it may not end. I'm hoping for you it won't be that way.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
