Baby you can drive my car...

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks guys.

No, BK, I will go this alone. I'll be fine. It will only be about an hour or so. H might not even show up. But as much fuss as he made about it he probably will.

I know his "breakdown" has nothing to do with me. It's all about him. I guess Tuesdays make me emotional because he gets them Wednesday nights. Also the conversations with S have pushed me backwards. Reliving BD I guess. And the fact that he chooses that OW over the kids really takes the cake.

Thanks for listening to me rant guys.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Well, H showed up for the performance. I got there 20 minutes early and H was already there. I walked in the school's doors and he snapped at me "I just texted you and asked if you were coming". I said I didn't bring my phone so I didn't see the text. He seemed pretty snippy so I didn't say anything.

We sat down and they had to raise up the basketball hoop in the gym so they could use the projector for the presentation. H said something like "boy, that's certainly old technology". I didn't respond. Not worth my breath. But for some reason I found it fascinating, this "old" technology and I found myself examining the hoop trying to understand the mechanism which allowed it to go up. Pulleys and gears? Hydraulics? I muttered something under my breath about "what is making that go up" and H replied "can't you see that rope there? What are you talking about". He was very snippy and I didn't pursue a conversation. We watched D give her performance and H let out a few snide comments about some of the other parents and/or teachers. I didn't say anything.

Afterward he asked me if I was taking her home and I said, it's only 2:00. She has another hour of school left. He said "oh" and walked out. That's it. Just walked out. Not a goodbye, not a see ya, not a "oh I will peek my head in on her class and wave before I leave". Just walked out.

For a few seconds I wondered what I had done that made him treat me so badly? Why does he see himself as so much better than me that he can't even walk with me to the door? Why does he treat me with such disdain? Then I shook it off.

I walked back to D's classroom and told the teacher not to send her on the bus, that I would pick her up after school. There was D, sitting in the reading chair, reading "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" to her class. She has been practicing this book for weeks. I felt tears well up in my eyes. She was so intent on reading it to her class and showing them the pictures, she didn't even see me. I walked out and I thought "H is really missing out". Even if he would have been there to see that sight, he still wouldn't have "gotten it". And he would have made it all about him.

H is severely, severely broken. And I didn't break him. I can't fix him. It's not about me. It is starting to sink in. H has made himself a "comfort zone" with this OW. Their relationship is not about "them" it is about "him" and what makes him "comfortable", not happy. The more I think about it, the more I realize OW is exactly like H's mother. She likes to talk, about herself mostly, and always victimizes herself. She is all about her and how to keep her own selfish needs going. She has little to no ambition and only is inspired to "do something" if she can get something out of it.

I need something better in my life. I need something healthy. And I often wonder if I will ever be healthy as long as I have to deal with this H in my life? He will never give me what he is supposed to, financially unless he is forced to. He is unable to give me (or anyone for that matter) any real emotion or love because he doesn't know how. And the sad thing is he will never know real joy. I see that every time we are together at a kids' event. His joy is fabricated. Mine is authentic.

So I will pray for H. Pray that he can be a decent enough dad to occasionally put the kids' needs and wants above his own. Pray that he can be in touch with himself enough to feel authentic love for his own kids. Pray that reality will knock him in the head before he loses everything because he is on that path.

I guess I am starting to grow up.

WH

[bustingout]

I think that was a beautiful post WH. I agree that all of this behaviour of H's is a sad reflection of his inner turmoil and struggle. It's not a reflection of you. I have often wondered myself what I have done to make h behave rudely with me since this began ( hanging up the phone, not contacting the kids, even shutting the door on me a few times) and now I realise this is a reflection of his inability to cope and he literally needs to shut out reality. The OW is part of that too.

Your children are so lucky and blessed to have you WH. Your story of your daughter reading her story to her class brought tears to my eyes. It's their childhood that matters.

[LoisB]

Wow, Wishing, maybe WE ARE the lucky ones. That was beautiful.

[job]

WH,
I'm glad the performance went okay. I hate to ask this, but why did you and your h sit together? It, at all possible, for you to sit elsewhere than you should do. You wouldn't have to listen to his smart mouth comments, etc.

He is treating everyone w/disrespect, not just you. It was very rude of him to make side comments about the other parents and/or teachers. If you could hear him making those comments, I'm sure others around you heard them too.

As for him hanging around to go to the other classroom and wave or say goodbye...that was a bit much to "expect" of him.
as for him walking you to do the door, well, I wouldn't have even given it a thought since you are separated. If you and your h were on better terms, maybe...but right now, no. He's a broken, rude, critical and bitter individual who thinks of himself as far better than everyone else right now. Unfortunately, not everyone sees him as Mr. Wonderful.

Yes, WH, you definitely need something better in your life. Unfortunately, you have children that both will be involved w/from now till death. Once you are divorced, it might get better if you can detach and not allow his antics to get under your skins as much. As for going to functions, I would definitely make it a point not to sit w/him and/or w/him and his ow. It's not healthy for you because you come away disgusted and disappointed or even angry w/him.

The best and only thing you can do is pray for him. He's going to need a lot of prayers to help him heal his soul.

[wishing, hoping]

He actually sat by me, Job. There weren't a lot of seats available. And I try to be the better person for the sake of my D. OW wasn't there. I don't really think she will make an appearance too often at these events unless she is worried that H is slipping through her fingers.

I didn't expect us to walk out like best friends at all, but I somewhat "expected" (there is that word again) him to go by D's class and wave. But I guess I should get used to this behavior. I thought he would want to give her a "thumbs up" or something. Wrong.

I wasn't angry. I just shook my head. He's the one who is missing out. And as far as having to deal with him for the rest of my life with the kids, I do believe that once the kids are older and cannot be bought and don't make him feel good about himself anymore, he will have very little to do with them. Especially once they go to college and have their own ideas and opinions and need help with college expenses. H will be long gone.

WH

[BklynMom]

Just read your post from yesterday. It was beautiful.

I am reading it on my phone and I need to read it again when I get to my computer.

It touched on so many things I can identify with.

They are barely functioning in society. These Mlc people hide behind the op to mAke them seem normal but they should be in a cave wAllowing

[AJM]

WH. I know I had similar thoughts with my ex for a while. It was difficult to go to co-parent events with somebody who didn't want to co-parent both verbally and in action.

You do still have some expectations, WH. You expect him to want to be more of a parent in the way you are.

That is IMPOSSIBLE for him right now.
That said, it's anybody's guess if he'll be around during the college years or before or after or at all. He might be dying for all you know.

Saying all of that, you can boil it down to "can't get rid of him, can't count on him for anything I might expect, can't expect him to love his kids in a way I would understand, can't expect him to be a nice person, or friendly or ... I can't expect him to do anything I would recognize as H. Both past and what I would want in a husband/father. "

If that's true, then you really can figure out the next steps pretty easily right? You know you'll do without, so what do you do with that information?

It is what it is, WH.

Peace,
AJ

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks AJ.

Been a busy day. Hectic at work. One of those days that make you pull your hair out. But don't worry. I'm not bald...yet.

Had a software user's group meeting after work today at the local technical college. Pretty interesting and learned a lot of new tips and tricks. Sat with a few friends and coworkers. Had a good time. Came home and put new hardware on my bathroom cabinets. I found them on clearance at Menards. The old handles are obscenely dated and so gross. I tried to clean them but that "gunk" was not coming off. I know I am only renting, but this place is a reflection of me. And the bathroom looks much better. It was pretty dated when I moved in, but with my added touches it looks a million times better.

So Manu projects I want to do! I get so excited thinking off all these things. But one step at a time. But I'm so excited.

So I found another great deal on Craigslist. But I need some input on how to make this work so put your thinking caps on please.

I bought a DVD/VHS player for $15. I thought that was a great deal. If I can get it to work. I have an older model tv that I had when I was single. I want to hook it up to this player so D can watch movies in her room. That being said the tv only has a coaxial hookup while the player has RCA. I know I can get a converter for a couple bucks, but do I need anything else? Should it be that easy? I am not hooking it up to satellite or anything like that. I just want it so she can watch movies. I don't need anything high resolution or fancy. Just something simple. Will this tv work? Thoughts are appreciated.

WH

[AJM]

A converter should be more than enough. But even better - write down the TV model number and have a quick look online for it's specs. Just to be sure it doesn't have any hidden RCA plugs. Even for that era, many of them did although it was new-ish.

It is very rare for a VHS/DVD device in north america to not have a coax connection. It happens, but it's rare.

Converters are about 6-20.00 from a quick look.

AJ