I have given patience and endurance for the last two years. I don't know how much more I can do. I have 12 more years to deal with this idiot and then I can tell him to take a hike.
It's a catch-22. If they are not around him ever, they feel abandoned. If they are with him, they are abused. How can you win?
Feeling rather bleak.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Call from H tonight. Wants to talk to the kid's. Okay. Can do. I hand the phone to D who starts jibber jabbering. Then I see her look disappointed and she asks "why?" and hands the phone to me. He decides he wants to FaceTime with them. Okay, I tell him to call me back so I can turn the ft option on. He calls and talks to D who is excited to talk to him. S is not so excited. But I think S was tired tonight. He asks to talk to me. Ugh.
Niceness. Seriously? Makes small talk about the kids. Asks if S showed me his medal and I said yes. Asks if I showed S all my medals from my years of band and choir? I said oh he's seen them. H pushes that I should really show them to H. He thought about all my medals when he saw S's. Whatever. This is S's shining moment, not mine.
So he has chilled out for the moment. Good. Hope it lasts a while. The kid's and I need a serious break.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Your h confuses me. Maybe not having his family intact is starting to hit home. He seems really needy. Maybe it's the distancer (you) pursuer dance. He seems to find endless reasons to contact you. Keep distancing, not to bring him closer, but to protect yourself and the peaceful life you are building.
I am starting to think H is a bit bipolar. His mood swings are off the charts. Of course, this past weekend his stress level was off the charts. He had OW and her brats, our kids were not catering to his will, he had to travel and I refused to take the dog off his hands. H always gets a little testy when he travels. And I think to some degree that I am the only one he can take it out on? IDK. He is very needy. Just like having a third child.
I am distancing. I am giving him to God. I don't want him anymore. He is exhausting. I didn't even want to look at him while we were Facetiming last night. I just wanted to get away. Maybe he knew that. But probably not. He is too wrapped up in his own narcissism.
I just want to be done with him.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I met with the lawyer yesterday. I cannot tell you how tired I am of all this stuff. The lawyer tells me I should push to get three years maintenance buyout from H because that would be slightly below the minimum I would get from the judge. Also, he said not to sign off on H's bonuses because all of H's income (including bonuses, overtime and raises) should be privvy to child support, not what he gets to pick and choose. The lawyer also said the market analysis value I got from the real estate agent shows there may be equity in the house and if anything the house is at a break even point. So that means H should take on part of the marital credit card and not stick me with all that debt.
Thing is, this is another battle that I may or may not win. I am honestly tired of fighting and battling with H. I don't want to just give in to be done, but on the other hand H will never agree with my lawyer's position. Ever. And in pure H fashion H will drag everything out just to make me pay the lawyer.
Even if we make H give me a portion of his overtime and bonus money, how can we enforce it if it is not part of the garnished amount? I am set up for a defined amount of child support, not a percentage. So currently H could start working overtime and I wouldn't get a dime of it. To see if this starts happening, we would need to set up an evaluation system where his income (and mine probably) would get evaluated every 4-6 months. We would have to put that stipulation into the agreement and of course H will never, ever agree to that. So I feel stuck.
Plus H is coming back into town and while it was wonderful having the kids last night I am sad because they go with him tonight and possibly tomorrow night. He still hasn't confirmed whether he was taking my Friday night in exchange for his Wednesday. I am worried that he is going to read this latest email from my lawyer asking for paperwork and verification and get angry again and demand to keep the kids longer.
I shouldn't be held hostage by H's anger but I am so drained. And so sad right now. I keep looking at my list of bills and I want to pay them all off, but I am trying to keep some savings in case of yet another emergency. I have paid all that I need to pay and I still have money left over, yay me. But I hate having these bills. The other day I literally had a panic attack over everything. I had to call my mom and she had to calm me down.
I will have to stop going to the counselor for a while. I want to catch up on some of these bills. Now some of you may not think my bills were significant, but I don't like having debt. At all. And now that I am in control of my own finances I want to pay things off. But I am inpatient. I want to pay everything now. But if I think about it too much I will have another panic attack.
Picked up the dog this morning since H is gone an extra day. He was so excited to see me and I miss him so much. I think that is part of my panic attack. H called to see if "everything went okay" but I think it was because he wanted to make sure I did it.
Sorry guys. I'm Debbie Downer today.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thing is, this is another battle that I may or may not win. I am honestly tired of fighting and battling with H. I don't want to just give in to be done, but on the other hand H will never agree with my lawyer's position. Ever. And in pure H fashion H will drag everything out just to make me pay the lawyer.
Is there any way you can just have a judge resolve this and stop going back and forth in a game of tug of war where everyone loses?
In Colorado, reviews are typically done every 3 years. Here is a document I found on Wisconsin Child Support Reviews. Your H isn't required to be happy about it. It's the law.
Quote:
And now that I am in control of my own finances I want to pay things off. But I am inpatient. I want to pay everything now. But if I think about it too much I will have another panic attack.
As a fellow debt-phobe, try to be kinder to yourself. Your circumstances have changed. Until you have some answers about how things are going to be post-D, why not just do what you can and tell yourself, "Good job!" rather than go into anxiety attacks. I also have an anxiety disorder. I'm not on medication anymore, but I try to do things that deal with the source of my anxiety (all fear based) and am learning how to meditate and clear my head of what is real and what is not real or imagined. You'd be surprised at how much anxiety you might be able to attribute to thoughts that will never go where you fear going. How destructive and unnecessary!
At the urging of dear Wonka, I signed up for a weekend seminar called I Can Do It! here in Denver in March. I signed up for some more workshops that help me manage my issues. Can't wait. Louise Hay has lots of stuff that might help you. I think some of them are free - especially the podcasts. You might find some of them helpful as well.
You and your kids don't deserve to have a whacked out mom. Trust me. I know this from experience.
So getting back to support. If my memory serves me correctly, I had to show up to the table with tax returns, W-2s and 1099s to show patterns of income, and so did he. It was part of an overall formula. I just hope you can get some closure on "what will be" soon. How can your L facilitate this story coming to an end?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, my attorney is trying to meet with H and come to an agreement which best serves everyone. Only thing is H hates my attorney. I don't think the judge will get involved unless our case goes to trial. H keeps bringing up the trial option asking me if I intend to take this to trial. There is nothing to go to trial over. We have a car payment, a mortgage, a second mortgage and a marital credit card. That's it. I don't want to go to trial over this because honestly it will drag our case out even longer. But I also think perhaps a trial is the only way I will get a fair deal. If we go to trial, I won't be divorced until next summer at best.
And yes, I do have anxiety issues. I try to keep it from the kids. I am on meds for anxiety but I have been doing okay until recently. My mom told me I have only been on my own for a month and to give myself a break. But I have high (sometimes unattainable) standards for myself. And it doesn't help to hear H's voice in my head telling me how I don't know how to manage money.
Just like with the placement situation H won't agree to cooperate unless he gets his way or he is forced to cooperate.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
But I have high (sometimes unattainable) standards for myself. And it doesn't help to hear H's voice in my head telling me how I don't know how to manage money
Yep, I have high standards for myself too. But I've learned that what other people say is how they would handle things in their life.
I used to trust my ex implicitly. She was an extension of me in many ways. Guess what? Things changed and I had to learn some new avenues.
Know what? I'm glad I did. You'll be glad you did as well. For starters, learning and internalizing that other people don't have to live your life. So, they don't have to live with the consequences of your choices. You do.
Know what else? You're a smart, capable cookie. I would take your advice and view over many other people I know.
Know what else again? You should trust yourself and your capabilities.
Know what else yet again? (feels like a comedy skit in some ways; tips hat to Harold Ramis) - You should fail at some things. Because if you don't, you only stayed in your comfort zone and will die not knowing what else you could have done in your lifetime. Some things you won't like. Some things you won't be good at. Some things you won't be good at the first time, but you'll like it enough to do it again. And the list goes on...
The point is, you're the one that makes your decisions and the one that lives with the consequences.
It's always been that way.
And you're good at it. Don't hold back...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
H just called. I figured he was gonna yell at me about my attorney's email but he told me his flight was delayed. What a shame. I said well the weather is fine, so maybe a part fell off the plane? He didn't think that was very funny. Darn this dry sense of humor.
But he said he would take the kids tomorrow night since he didn't have them last night and we would exchange after D's basketball Saturday AM. Exchange. I hate that term. Like the kids are a pair of pants that don't fit.
I have said it before and I will say it again. I am my own worst enemy (except for H). I know I can do this. It will be painful, but I need to remind myself that while I don't have H's income to supplement mine, I also don't have H's bills or spending habits to worry about. It's all me. And of course if I fail I have no one else to blame.
And I think H's voice of "you can't manage money" is him projecting his failure onto me. H always projects when he is angry. And unfortunately I let allowed him to lay that burden on me. But I won't do that anymore. I can't.
I told the kids last night that since they were with me last night they would be with their dad on Friday night. S looked panicked and said, but we get to be with you for the weekend, right? I said yes. It is just for Friday night.
I fear H's relationship with his kids is not going to be pretty.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, I can relate to everything you wrote, except the custodial issues. I, too, have felt hostage to my situation. My xh is still hiding information, lying and projecting (big time!). I'm worn down and just want it to be over. He shouldn't get anything from me, but he will get a lot. I'm erasing "fair" from my vocabulary.
I wish I had the right words, but all I can think of are ridiculous cliches. I don't know, WH, other than we're going to have to just let a lot of stuff go and have very minimal contact with these abusive idiots.
