melissa - getting stronger!!

[T-boned]

Way to go melissa!!! I'm so proud of you. I used to do (and sometimes still do) the same thing when it came to being uncomfortable about an upcoming event or situation. Like you, I'm trying to be open to new things and people. I try to say 'Yes' to things. It's hard at first to make that commitment,but generally once you do you're amazed at your initial reluctance.

There are a lot of good people out there.

I just wanted to applaud you for going for it!!

[Mimi00]

So one of the things we are doing is, each week, we draw a name out of a hat and get together with another member of the group. I was kind of dreading it this week, going back to to my old way of thinking - "she is 10 years older, she has been married 20 years, her kids are all older than mine, we will have nothing in common, I have so much crap to do, ugh I wish I didn't have to do this."

Ah... the story of my life.
I am working on this as well.
I think A LOT of people are like this.

[labug]

Just a little journaling . . . .

I made an interesting discovery today.

A few months ago, when I was still quite a mess with my sitch, I went to breakfast with my FIL and SMIL, without H or kids or anyone. I don't think I have ever spent any time with them alone before then, and my H had not only had many negative things to say about them, but also made it clear that they didn't like me, so this was a nerve wracking thing for me. With the help of PM and some others here, I was able to go into it with open heart and open mind, and I was surprised by the outcome. We had a lovely time. Before BD, I think I would have found an excuse not to go with them, or I would have gone in with fists up, ready to defend.

What I took from that was good, but still very narrow. I think what I took from it was that I needed to stop seeing them through my H's eyes, and to show them the real me without the defenses up.

Anyway. I am taking a class now that meets weekly and is about self empowerment - really for women in transition of some sort. Some are getting D, some are dealing with death of their parents or other loved ones, some have children who are leaving for college, or are starting a new career . . . you get the idea.

So one of the things we are doing is, each week, we draw a name out of a hat and get together with another member of the group. I was kind of dreading it this week, going back to to my old way of thinking - "she is 10 years older, she has been married 20 years, her kids are all older than mine, we will have nothing in common, I have so much crap to do, ugh I wish I didn't have to do this."

But I changed my thinking. I thought, who knows, if I go into it with open mind and open heart, maybe it won't be so bad after all.

Well, you'll never guess what happened. We had a great lunch. Even though we are totally different people in different circumstances, we had no shortage of conversation material, and honestly, I think we could have spent the rest of the afternoon chatting.

I realized as I drove away that in my past life, to do "what felt right to me" or "taking care of myself" was usually hiding from things that made me feel even slightly uncomfortable, which meant that I ended up missing out on things that could have been really fun, or enlightening, or even life changing; and connecting with other people.

I don't think that this woman and I will be BFFs, but I would definitely hang out with her again, and I am really grateful for what she taught me today, just by virtue of showing up, being herself, and being open to ME.

Isn't it amazing what can happen when we decide to let the past and all of our preconceived BS go?

I hope you can let this discovery ripple out into all your Rs.

Don't let your past dictate your future.

You can do this.

[PatientMan]

I'll have to look up the Allman Bros. song!

I echo Ms. Bug. Great song. Great band.

-PM

[PatientMan]

...and also what she said about not letting your past dictate your future. You now have several examples of this actually working for you in practice. That's AWESOME! Keep building on that! You are on the right track and doing great!

-PM

[labug]

I think what you did was great. That sounds like a great activity in that group too. I used to pre plan the outcome of a lot of things . Out of fear. I just do them now even if they make me uncomfortable. They end up being things I would have regret NOT to do.

I'm reading to my d6's class today. I have ridiculous stage fright, even in front of 6 year olds. I cannot have focus on me:). But I'm going in, reading and will enjoy it while my d loves to have me around.

I had fear of having D6's friends over to play. I have a small place, I'm the divorced one, I had many preconceived notions of judgment I might get. Guess what. Her friends had a ball, her parents were glad they were having such a good time and didn't even realize how late it was before they came ( I am moving in March to a house). But I finally got over my fear. And it couldn't have gone better.

I was very controlled by fear. And I was controlled by my Ex's criticisms, and the opinions of the things I wanted to try. Which, by the description of your h may play a role in your fears and preconceived notions.

And there is something about divorce that bonds generation. When h left, some of the older women divorced women I wasn't very close with, although friendly, took me aside and told me their stories. They offered support, love and understanding, even though they were in their 50's and I was in my 20's.

Drop all your pre conceived notions at the door and you end up being pleasantly surprised.

I should have read this before I posted.

Great strong post, Gineen. You are tearing it up, you've come so far.

[melissag]

Thanks, guys!

Gineen, I know how you feel about not wanting to the be the center of attention. I am sure you will do great reading to your D's class, and she will love it!! I was the Girl Scout leader for my D's troop (23 girls ages 5-9) for two years, and every meeting, I would get nervous. In front of a bunch of little girls! I never did get over it . . . but the key is to just do it anyway, I guess, right? So good for you for going for it today!

I truly did allow myself to be controlled by fear for many years. I thought I had dropped that months ago, but I realize I am still doing it in many ways that weren't that obvious . . . where I had to dissect what I was doing/thinking to figure out that this was in fact the problem.

Yes, I do think that my H's criticisms played into this some. Actually, it wasn't so much that my H would criticize me, it was more that he wouldn't seem interested or impressed or proud of me or really anything positive. So I took that as a negative, I guess. I allowed his lack of enthusiasm to diminish my pride or happiness in the things I did.

Speaking of fear, and back to the recent conversation about how I am letting my desire for my H to like me or think I am nice govern my actions . . .

I am ordering a new car because my current lease is up next week. I have to give the dealer a $1000 deposit to order the car. Some of you may remember that my H went out of his way to remind me that I need to let him know if I am planning to buy a new car, pursuant to the injunction in place (requiring notice of proposed extraordinary expenditures). (As an aside, I don't think he read the injunction very carefully.) I asked my lawyer if it was OK to order this car, and whether I need to tell my H about it in advance, if I need his consent, etc. He said "Just put down the deposit and I'll let H's lawyer know at some point." He also said H should be happy that my payments on the new car will be lower than my current payments.

Soooo, of course I thought, "oh no, my H is going to be pissed off if I do it and don't tell him. Especially since he made sure to remind me to tell him"

But here is what I decided. I am just going to listen to my L. If my H gets mad, so be it. I know I am not doing anything wrong.

I am not feeling too strong about this at the moment, but I am going to do it anyway, and hopefully it will make me feel stronger!!

[paul19510]

you are doing great. its good to see how you are thinking these things through and recognizing how you feel.

[3boymom]

But here is what I decided. I am just going to listen to my L. If my H gets mad, so be it. I know I am not doing anything wrong.

Good plan! Didn't your H buy a new car without telling you? My guess is that he will claim that was before the injunction. Your H knows that your lease is up and that you were looking for cars. I am sure that he does not expect you to go without a car. Just keep moving forward and let your L deal with any consequences.

I feel for you though. My H definitely holds a double standard when it comes to spending. He has no problem buying things (expensive things) on his own terms. My H got annoyed when we purchased a minivan because we could not fit all of the kids in the cars that we had. He always brought it up in arguments that I always demanded the best, which is so not true. I actually could care less about cars and just wanted something reliable. And guess what, my H is planning to get a new luxury car this spring. He says that he needs a luxury car to impress clients (and boost his ego). He does not even realize that he is a huge hypocrite because of his ridiculous justifications.

So the big question of the day....did you decide on an SUV or convertible??

[melissag]

Yes, my H bought a new car even though we had agreed to discuss any big expenditures before making them. And yes, he will say that was before the injunction, so he wasn't legally required to. (Of course, I wasn't legally required to tell him I was filing, either, but he considers that the betrayal of the century.)

Anyway. enough about him.

Drum roll please . . . convertible!

I am soooo excited. I owned three different convertibles before my S7 was born, at which point they had to pry it out of my hands in favor of an SUV.

I think my kids are old enough now to ride in a convertible, and they are excited to. If I ever need a bigger car to shlep something, I can borrow one of my parents' cars (they have three), and I can always get a driver to the airport - it's usually cheaper than parking there anyway.

And I get to feel the sun on my head and the wind through my hair . . . ooohhhh, I can't wait. Putting the top down makes me so happy. I used to drive with the top down in 32 degrees (if it was sunny), with the seat heater on; and I'll do it again. (My new one will have a neck warmer!) Yippeee!