So you wanna play with magic Boy, you should know what you're falling for Baby do you dare to do this Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse Are you ready for, ready for A perfect storm, perfect storm Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine There’s no going back -Katy Perry
My post afternoon of December 29th......... HOLY $HIT.......just got this from SIL #1
"so I hear you don't care my brother is homeless and broke ......well that is absolutely disgusting behaviour. I am sad to think that you are that type of person. Your marriage had it's problems and they were not going to change so instead of accepting it you are acting like a victim. Ridiculous you are to blame for half of your problems.....grow up no matter how often you ask for forgiveness from your church it won't make what your doing right doing right. Karmas a bitch!"
not my spelling errors btw.
I'm in tears......after EVERYTHING I have done for them. Especially SIL #1.....they've known me for twenty years! 20!!!!! what is he saying to them!?!?! NOW?!?!? HE LEFT US IN APRIL and never a word until now? this? how do I respond? I'm so upset _________________________ M 16 T 20 M 40 H 38 S 19 S 14 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Job........ WR, You don't respond. File the text away and just remember...blood is thicker than water. You don't owe them any explanation and one day, they'll figure out what is what.
Your h is been talking trash to them and he wants to play the victim. There's nothing you can do about it. No matter what you say to her, she's going to continue to defend her brother and make you out to be the villain here, so the best thing to do is ignore her and her comments. Consider the source, cry and/or yell, but do not respond to her. You don't owe her an explanation as to what you have had to do to take care of you and your sons.
Can you block her on your phone as well as emails and FB? Do so. Don't give her a second thought.
Continue moving forward and do not allow her to bring you down. Don't allow her or anyone else to bully you.
DO NOT RESPOND!
My response to Job.......
I won't respond Job......but, I'm really hurt. Upset beyond belief AGAIN! homeless? he's homeless? what does that even mean? why is it my fault?!?!? HE HAS A HOME!!!! He doesn't want it! Last time I actually knew where he lived was May after that I have no idea where he sleeps! Problems in marriage were not going to change? HOW DO YOU KNOW what our problems are and if they could be worked on!?!? I'm to blame for half my problems? I've accepted my faults and have worked(ing) to correct them but MY HUSBAND'S MLC is NOT my fault!!! I accept none of it! Karma's a bitch, eh? I guess it is!
I've been working night and day to keep my kids in their home and food on the table! literally night and day! where has HE been?!??! WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN?!?! OH I'm so upset.....crying and angry and want to just hit them all! _________________________ M 16 T 20 M 40 H 38 S 19 S 14 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Wow WR, that must be awfully painful. I'm so sorry you had to get that crap from SIL. You know you don't deserve it, WE know you don't deserve it.
Hold steady on the high road.
I agree with job: Eventually EVERYONE will figure out what your roll really was in all this... and you'll still be looking like the rose that you are!
Thank you FY. I know I need patience and the truth will come out, it always does, but WOW what a sucker punch to the gut. I hope my silence speaks volumes to her nastiness
Originally Posted By: NLW
WR, that is really hard to take.
I think mlc-ers have an easy path to get family onside.
No-one would ever believe the truth of what has happened, so the re-write of history that forms part of the script is what gets accepted.
It must be that their spouse was controlling, disgusting, unable to be lived with one moment longer, even for the sake of the kids. Whatever else could have led to an outwardly happy family being broken up so quickly and with such finality?
And the poor mlc-er, how he has suffered and for so long. And what he has been reduced to - he has no home, no money, has given up everything....
Again, who, outside of experiencing it themselves, would ever believe what has really happened?
Having said that, IDK if I could cope with not responding - briefly and calmly.
I have, in the past, ignored such outbursts from others who I feel have the 'wrong end of the stick'. I find it festers and makes me feel resentful.
I am also feel sick of 'covering up' the whole notion of mlc.
If only we could say "my spouse is suffering from a classic mlc. I suggest you do some quick reading on the topic and find out how devastating this emotional turmoil/identity crisis can be to those around them before you judge me."
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I get what you're saying, NLW, and kinda sorta agree. But here's the thing: Like job posted, H's family will always side with him. Especially after all the BS he has likely fed them. So even the most rational response from WR will be rejected and only escalate things into an ongoing and even uglier battle.
Why sign up for that? Better to just shut up and work on finding inner peace.
I completely hear what you're saying NLW, and if we were dealing with rational people that would be a plausible thought BUT H's family is equally as looney tunes as him!! They will take his side for the sole reason as they believe that blindly taking the side of blood means they love them. It's not even a thought that blind love does not equal true love. When this started I did have long conversations with SIL #2 about H's MLC. Sent her links of info that I had found (her response....it scared her as it sounded like her DING DING DING and that she could see how H was in a MLC. I think SIL #2 wavers between believing and not believing and feeling sorry for her brother. SIL #1 (the text one) SIL #3 and MIL all live in a rampant world of denial about their own existence and I think it gives them great satisfaction to see MY life as miserable as theirs and me as culpable for all of it......NEVER EVER has a situation in their life ever been a direct response to one of their own actions. H must be hurting pretty badly right now. He's run out of options and has no moves left.....I'm the one holding the cards but, really, he has called all the shots. I've never once made a move....only counter moves that, it would appear, have thrown H's plans for a loop. Maybe H should have stayed, for free, with SIL #2 until this was figured out? Maybe H should not have up and left without a plan of action? Maybe H should have not counted on money from the house BEFORE he got the money from the house? MAYBE when I said I wouldn't help him destroy us he should not have heard that it would be ok to screw me (and our boys) to a wall......I'm sorry to say that after 20 years H still does not understand his wife. It's almost like he's never met me. I will do what I need to do to protect our children. My sister said it very well "If she (SIL #1) believes in Karma, then she needs to assess her life and ask wtf she has done.....karma is simply living the consequences of your choices.....H is just living his-she doesn't understand the concept. In fact they are all so simple- minded, their opinions and comments mean about as much as those of mushrooms....born out of the $hit and darkness
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
WR, I know that your SIL's comments hit below the belt, but you need to consider the source. Family listens to what he says and, of course, they are only hearing one side of the story and they will take the side of their brother no matter what. As for being homeless, I honestly don't buy into that BS. Your h made choices all by his lonesome. He could have returned home at any given time, but no, he stayed out on the street. So, please put those remarks she made in the trash. She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Trying to defend yourself to her is like trying to defend yourself to the mlcer. Both of you are emotional and neither of you will get very far into a discussion w/o saying things that can't be taken back. One day, WR, you will be given the opportunity to set her straight, but now is not the time. You are still trying to get things settled w/the house, etc. For all we know, her email/text was to rock your world to make you do something stupid w/the finances and the home refinancing. Don't step into her bait trap.
Again, I do recommend leaving the woman right where she's at and if she wants to stew, accuse, etc. just let her spew, but you block her from contacting you again. Silence is golden and sometimes it speaks volumes far better than trying to communicate w/someone who is spewing. Walk away, everyone knows what you've been dealing w/and continue to deal with.
Show that family you are a far better person by remaining silent and walking away than one who wants to get into heated discussions w/them. I know you can do this.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In this situation, I tend to agree with job, leave it be and don't respond no matter how much you want to scream at her. She deserves it! But, she is taking her brother's side and no matter what she may see now or later, she will never care to see your side. Some people are blindly loyal, I have seen it first hand. My uncle (pretty sure MLC, chucked his family for another one) and his sister (my aunt) could not talk enough trash about his now ex-wife. Even then, I couldn't stand it and there will be family members who hate what he has done and will not attack you. But there are those who will refuse to see.
If you are able to block her, do so. If she should contact you again, I would simply reply "I would appreciate if you would please not contact me again."
I know it hurts like the devil, WR. But you take care of business. And so what if he is homeless, etc? Whose fault is that? You weren't given a choice when he unilaterally left your M, but you have lots of choices on how to go forward and protect the rest of your family. And as you said, after 20 years, he should have known. Of course, he should have known that fantasyland did not exist, but that is a whole other topic....
Hideous woman. Betcha she's got some issues of her own.
I have some real jerks in the inlaw department too. I've found that keeping my distance works best for me. I've unfriended just about everyone on Facebook and keep to my own.
Thankfully, they leave me alone too.
I can see them, easily, REALLY EASILY, thinking and saying the words you received from you SIL.
The truth always comes out in the end. They may refuse to see it, but that doesn't change the truth.
You're a great lady and you've been so strong for your boys. Don't lose heart now. Not over this. This is just white noise from people who either refuse or haven't gotten the truth. Either way, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Let them drown in the waves your H is making.
Love to you,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm so sorry that you're facing some awful flak from your ILs. Remember how SIL contacted you after the hearing? H was not happy about the outcome at Court and I think it is when he truly began to vilify you. It has gone on and it has probably multiplied over the holidays with H's spewing. Otherwise why would the MLCer leave a great spouse? They need to vilify and demonize the LBS spouse so they have 'grounds' to leave them. Silly!
Oh yeah...I've heard that Ms. Wonka vilify me and that really HURT. But I just kept on being me by STFU and I noticed that our mutual friends looked at me with puzzled expression as why they were not able to truly reconcile the picture Ms. Wonka painted of me and seeing me in action in person. Bide your time...the truth will eventually emerge.
Ignore silly blather coming from H and the ILs. As for the homelessness, I don't buy it. It is H' choice to leave you and the marital house. Silly man!!
Well, I kinda disagree with the "don't respond" camp. No, don't respond if you're going to be emotional or expect some validation back. But if you just want to throw something out there that may possibly defuse some of the misinformation, consider something calm, reasoned, like this:
"Dear SIL - Please remember that you are only hearing one side of the story. I've been working night and day to keep my kids in their home and food on the table. I did not choose this divorce, but I am left primarily responsible for the emotional and financial fallout and how it affects my boys.
Unfortunately, in a divorce, both sides suffer a loss of living standards. I am not asking for anything in the divorce that is not standard in the divorce laws of this country.
I too am concerned about H and what is happening with him, but he has made it clear that he does not want me in his life. I hope that you and the rest of the family will continue to look after him."
Stick to the high road, don't expect a response, or ignore a response if it's stupid. But putting this out there is not unreasonable, in my book, and if you're lucky, it might make her pause and realize she IS only hearing one side of the story.
I see where you are headed and everybody deserves a chance to defend themselves, especially when you being so unfairly judged.
But, honestly, I don't see the point. I think the odds are high that it will only stir more stuff up.
Let them have at it. Block the number, let them make fools of themselves, because that's what they are doing. I'm sure they are full of adrenalin now, pumped up on the text. They are spinning. I say, "Let them Spin!!"
In the end, they will be the ones with regrets for what they said, not White.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I like Ellie's draft response to SIL. The problem is not the draft per se...but how SIL will receive it. It will most probably induce more spewing from her as she believes her brother's side of the story and will do anything to defend him. Blood is thicker than water.
I don't think the time is right to be responding to the SIL's text message. There will come a time when Ellie's message would be perfect...but right now, emotions are running high on all sides and it will open up the battle of the texts. When dealing w/emotional inlaws that have only heard one side, it is best to let things settle down before even attempting to defend yourself or try to explain things.
WR, you know your inlaws better than we do and you need to trust your gut on this one. If you opt to send a response, please be prepared for the likelihood of more nasty grams.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
