2old, I would consult a lawyer to get an idea of what it entails. It is just a legal issue and not an emotional issue. I mean the M is broken ( the emotional part). The divorce is the legal part so I wouldn't rush it, no need to. It does cost a lot of money. The more assets you have together the costlier it will be. I think it cost me over 10k and it took over a year to be finalized. In many states assets and debts are split 50/50. Also consider spousal support. It's cheaper to keep them
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I think in your w's mind, what's there to say? She got your email and pretty much must have meant "too little too late" or some such message she feels is clear thru her actions.
I admit there is SOME Clarity in a non response...just not the kind of thought out delineation you seem to want and need, like most of us. But then, there often comes a time when we no longer care WHY they do what they do.
We learn our own lessons about what WE need/want to change and we do it for ourselves.
I guess my question to you is,
what is it you need to understand from your w? What don't you "get"?
Give it some thought before blurting out the first answer. B/c her silence really is a message of sorts. TO her, it may be obvious.
So, after some thought, tell me what she's Not telling you, if you don't mind.
Hope this helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It does help and yes, I hear what you are saying. Her silence is indeed some sort of answer. I know my struggle comes from the "not being told honestly". We were together 13 years. We never fought or even argued much at all. Our life together was not perfect but WE did have a life. We did for each other, talked etc. etc.
So to have her simply leave and within a matter of just a few hours no longer speak or have hardly any contact is extrodinary in my mind. Right up until I left her at the airport for her visit to her son's we were as were always were, Doing for each other. As I look back yes, there were signs from her, crying, saying things out of the ordinary etc. When I asked why she might be teary eye'd it was "nothing".
Her daughter did recently reinterate to me what she was told by her mother (W)about living without someone for a year how u can live without them for the rest of your life and who knows what will happen in the future. To me, I understand that as why she might not be having hardly any contact with me. That maybe she had a hard time doing what she did. That she could not talk to me and still cant because in alot of ways she knows I was not a "monster" in any way shape or form.
And yet, something, something drove her away in an ugly manner. That is where I struggle. Is/was it hate, or just her overwhelming desire to have the financial freedom that her well to do son could and has since provided her. No ill remorse towards him from my end. He is doing what he should as this is his mother.
She has her problems as well as myself. I know/knew her once and she had her demons so to speak. BUT< there was nothing so bad (not even close)that either of us couldn't of worked out. Something inside her detonated and she could not even bring herself to tell me.
Yes, there may be some clarity in her non response. I completely agree with you that her silence is a response of sorts. Still, the details are in the devil I've heard said many times. What are the REAL details/reasons for all of this. That is what would be good to understand. That is what would set me free......
Sorry to interfere but your last post really get's me! I does seem extraordinairy and is has looked that way since day 1. Leaving in that way is special (even in here) and it is not ok!
The no answers hurts, but we all have these! I speak to my, very amicable, W several times a week and see her often, but still I have all kind of questions that can't be answered - also about why she left, the way she left and so on! Many others have these questions, if not almost all of us! We think about our Ws and sits, we guess, we educate ourselves, we grow, talk to friends, we post in here, talk to Ts and so on searching for a lot of things and among them the answers to questions.
Maybe someday we will understand and maybe we won't. Maybe this knowledge will set us free and maybe it won't...I don't know and to be honest I do not think you know that for certain either. I am starting to believe that the only thing or person that truly can set you free - is you and nobody else. Even if you got a week with your W and the right to ask her all kind of questions - would you believe the answers?
Still I am left with the same question as prior....how will D get you anywhere closer to answering this or these questions? How will D set you free if that is what you are looking for?
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
2old, I am in agreement with all the replies here. I also understand where you are coming from, especially when I am kinda in the same boat. Having a WAS who you have lived with and communicated (whether correctly or not) with for so many years, just up and leave, with very little communication (in whatever form) over the time of the sitch, is very hard to deal with. Your sitch has even less communication than mine. And I struggle with that, so I can only imagine how you must feel. I also understand fully your question of not getting the answers you want. And sometimes these answers don't really have a question leading up to them. Why and how can, what we perceived as a loving spouse, just up and go, without looking back? In some ways, I am in the same time frame as you are: feeling there is no hope for a future together, feeling there is nothing else I can do, and in all honesty thinking what is the point of waiting for them to do the divorce. Lets just get it over so I (we) can move on. The divorce isn't a last ditch effort to get them back. It is just finishing off the loose ends. I have a friend who is waiting for his wife to do the divorce papers, they do not communicate and haven't for many years, he isn't hoping she will come back. He is living his own life, but the divorce is still that loose thread, she left him something like 12 years ago. I couldn't go through life with that on my mind, so I understand where you are 2old.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
2old, After reading HWAs post I just want to underline that I understand and if my post comes out as a 2x4 or harsh in any way it is not intended. Only intention is to give you a wellmeant second angle on this matter! F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I can understand how you are feeling and considering D. I would hold off on contacting a lawyer till you do some research first. In my state the state court system has a do it yourself divorce guide with all forms required. If you decide to go the D route and can at least get you W to consider working through it with you, you will save a ton of money.
In my situation, wife filed and then moved out with kids. She got a lot of bad advice from her family and lawyer. Her family has had a lot of bad divorces and based on her families advice I can tell why. The long and short is my W ran out of money to pay her lawyer and had to pull the D from the court or she would have owed much more. Combined it cost us $14,000.00 and she did not get her D. I had told her at the beginning that we should slow down and try not to involve the lawyers.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
It does help and yes, I hear what you are saying. Her silence is indeed some sort of answer. I know my struggle comes from the "not being told honestly". We were together 13 years. We never fought or even argued much at all. Our life together was not perfect but WE did have a life. We did for each other, talked etc. etc.
So to have her simply leave and within a matter of just a few hours no longer speak or have hardly any contact is extrodinary in my mind. Right up until I left her at the airport for her visit to her son's we were as were always were, Doing for each other. As I look back yes, there were signs from her, crying, saying things out of the ordinary etc. When I asked why she might be teary eye'd it was "nothing".
Her daughter did recently reinterate to me what she was told by her mother (W)about living without someone for a year how u can live without them for the rest of your life and who knows what will happen in the future. To me, I understand that as why she might not be having hardly any contact with me. That maybe she had a hard time doing what she did. That she could not talk to me and still cant because in alot of ways she knows I was not a "monster" in any way shape or form. OR she does not want to argue with you again or "Discuss' her reasons. Maybe she thinks you don't listen well or would argue with her. IMO, my guess, and its only a guess, is that she believes if you dig deep enough or think hard enough, she did tell you. More than once. IT's a rare rare woman who leaves without warning her man she is not happy. I don't know that I have ever heard of it.
And yet, something, something drove her away in an ugly manner. That is where I struggle. Is/was it hate, or just her overwhelming desire to have the financial freedom that her well to do son could and has since provided her. No ill remorse towards him from my end. He is doing what he should as this is his mother. I don't know. IF she simply wanted a nicer lifestyle, I assume you'd have been invited...?? She has her problems as well as myself. I know/knew her once and she had her demons so to speak. Why bring her "Demons" up now? I mean, I'm curious. And what do you think Your issues are?
What are you doing about them? What are your 180s? And GAL?
Are you doing any type of DB plan?
BUT< there was nothing so bad (not even close)that either of us couldn't of worked out. Something inside her detonated and she could not even bring herself to tell me.
Yes, there may be some clarity in her non response. I completely agree with you that her silence is a response of sorts. Still, the details are in the devil I've heard said many times. What are the REAL details/reasons for all of this. That is what would be good to understand. That is what would set me free......
I don't mean to quibble, but I strongly disagree with that^^ part.
I do not think there exist any reasons that would suffice, in YOUR EYES.
I truly do not believe she could say anything that would alleviate your pain, with the possible exception that she "became gay"... after a year of asking "Why?? and "HOW CAN YOU??" of my h, (with or without him present)
I stopped wondering. The words of a 10 y/o cancer victim in summer camp, came to me one night.
She told me "I used to ask God, 'why me, God, Why am I so sick?? I'd say 'why why why?' Then I just stopped asking b/c I just am, and I want to have fun while I can." That was her last summer, but she lived it well.
When I found myself asking the same Unanswerable questions, I recalled her comment and I just stopped asking the same thing or waiting for an answer...
& it would not set you free. YOU set yourself free.
Nothing she says or does, will achieve that. Freedom is yours for the taking...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
2old, I completely agree with F, HWA and 25, you're just not ever going to get answers that satisfy you. I'm sure you've seen people on TV pleading for a kidnapper to return their lost child and they often exclaim "I just want to know WHY!" But what answer could they possibly hear that would make them say "oh, now I understand why this person kidnapped and murdered my child." There isn't one. The only "explanation" is that the person is not thinking clearly, because normal people don't behave that way. And that is the state of our WASs. They no longer think and function like the spouses we once knew, they're in the fog. A WAS that used to post here left her H and kept telling him to move on, she was done. But he kept waiting. Finally she sat down with him and made it clear to him that she was DONE and he really needed to forget her. Then she suddenly had a change of heart and she said it was exactly like emerging from fog. While she was in the fog she THOUGHT she was thinking clearly, but once she emerged and really could see clearly she understood just how mired in the fog she had been. She suddenly remembered her life had indeed been good with her H, that they had great times together, that he made her laugh like no one else. These were all things that were blocked by the fog and forgotten. She started reaching out to him but he had followed her advice and moved on, and thus she became a LBS and ended up here.
Anyway, the point is the only real answer for you is your W is not herself. Maybe she will be again someday, but maybe she won't. How long you stand to see if that happens is your choice. But regardless, get out and GAL, that's your way through this.
