NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[Fartiltre]

Melissa,
Thanks once again for kind words and advice.
I am having a hard time adjusting from withdrawn/dim to this new thing with talking, initiative and so - you know what I mean.
The two friends gave me a major boost yesterday and I think they just might have turned a down into an up. That should help me in regards of Christmas mood

Sandi,
Thanks for replying! You clarified a lot for me but as usual I still have some questions.

I know. You didn't see any of that in your answer, right?

It seems like I am ALWAYS at least one step behind. I must be very slow

The answer to this one is yes and no. I didn’t see what you explained but I did see the sentence as blaming or pointing at her decision…but I thought I was supposed to do this. See, Sandi – I try to follow advice to the word so when you say left I go left and continue to do so until you say right.
I totally get the thing about the question and if I get the chance I will do this. I will not try to point directly at her decision anymore.

Can you see the difference in the two answers?

I certainly can!

You charmed your way into her heart the first time......do it again.

I did and I do want for both me and W to have the chance of R.

Remember, I told you that you would take small steps to see if she warmed toward you. This is the time to do it.

Yes, I do remember!
She hasn’t declined an invite yet all though I have declined almost everything. She is nice and pleasant…bla bla – you know it all! ? I might be blind but I still see her as gone and I do not see her warming up – I see only her interest in being friendly and having cake. I have never tried anything like this and it might just be me!
Are you seeing her warm towards me?
When you write small steps I really need some examples!
Are we talking about a walk-by-touch? A littler firmer hug when I see her? More invitations?
I have been more pleasant, talkative and so for the last weeks but this seems like almost pursuing. And if at some point I ask her to a movie or a cup of coffee I would definitely think that I am pursuing.
I could at some point invite her to my home and tell her to stay and tug in the Ds – that would give us some time just for us.

She is already living with a great deal of it (according to reports from friends)

These reports are some weeks old now. I see asking friends about W as snooping but I certainly can do this – should I?

And.....if she accepts, make sure you get XW1 to babysit.

You know what! I just might do exactly that

I hope your mother is recovering well!
F

[sandi2]

I didn’t see what you explained but I did see the sentence as blaming or pointing at her decision…but I thought I was supposed to do this. See, Sandi – I try to follow advice to the word so when you say left I go left and continue to do so until you say right.

We have been over, under, and around this issue. But for the record.....once and for all..... you are NOT to word any blame, punishment, or judgment. If she "gets" it figured out (in other words, she gets the message)without you wording it, that's great. If she doesn't get it, you still do not put it in words. Why is this not clear? I did not say that you should tell her that since she broke up the M and causing pain for the children that you were not attending the party!!! I hope she understands the equation, but you don't have to literally spell out the words to her.

Again, let me try to make myself understood. You must move with the stitch. If you wish to ever reconcile, you must not stay stuck on the same actions that you were doing while in the LRT.......or there will never be a reconciliation! At one time, you may have been told to stop doing this or that......but as time goes on, there will be a shift and you need to slowly make another change. So don't tell me how you follow advice to the word, when I have told you this more than once.

She hasn’t declined an invite yet all though I have declined almost everything.

But I told you back some time ago to not decline almost everything during December, unless things were not good between you. The only thing that I have precisely advised not accepting lately has been the birthday party. I could try to explain all my reason behind that advice, but frankly, I'm a bit discouraged in doing so. And, for the record, just b/c you decline a BD party this month does not mean that you decline every party next month. Your action of declining the intimate party was to send a message to your W that the two of you are not a "couple" and you aren't playing that scene. However, you aren't to preach to her, either.

When you write small steps I really need some examples!
Are we talking about a walk-by-touch? A littler firmer hug when I see her? More invitations?

Two out of your three examples were physical touch. No touchy-feely stuff yet. You don't even know if she'll go to the movies with you! Besides, if the woman is interested, she'll want to go to the movies with you without kids alone. IMHO, that will come before she wants all the touchy-feely steps.

An example of a small step is inviting her to something that is casual and with the kids. The movies with kids is a good first step. She's coming over before Christmas, maybe she would like it if you actually planned the evening, instead of her having to tell you what to do. She seemed a bit taken back when you told her that the two of you needed to "discuss" the 23rd (or whatever day it is). Why must it have an agenda? Relax and just show her a good time while she's there. Make dinner, play some games with the kids, whatever. But stop acting like a stiff shirt when she's around.

You keep talking about her eating cake. I like to have never made you understand that that's what she wanted, and now you see everything she does as her cake eating. And, I agree that she is. However, can you just try to lay it down for a few days b/c I think you are becoming too rigid for Christmastime.

I have been more pleasant, talkative and so for the last weeks but this seems like almost pursuing.

I know, I keep up. You have not pursued. You've been nice. That's all. I

F, I know a few months ago that I was telling you not to make Christmas plans as she was wanting to do at that particular time. It probably confuses you that now I'm encouraging you to cautiously warm toward her a little bit (through the next couple of weeks). It is not b/c I've changed my mind about everything that I say these things. It is b/c of how she has been and what her friends has said about her. I am saying to take a little chance but don't push it and go hog wild. You men tend to think in a "all or nothing" mentality but it doesn't work when you are DBing. You make a little step and then sometimes you have to stand still, or step back, before you can make another little step forward.

These reports are some weeks old now. I see asking friends about W as snooping but I certainly can do this – should I?

No.

I hope your mother is recovering well!

Oh, thank you much. I am very, very tired. Maybe after the holidays things will be better. I sure hope so.

[melissag]

F, I hope you won't be offended but your recent posts remind me of Cyrano de Bergerac.

You have got to trust yourself more!! Your W fell in love with you once; why can't she again? Remember your good times, relax and just allow yourself to enjoy her company. There is a lot of room there before you get to "eating her arm off" status.

[Fartiltre]

Sandi & Melissa,

First of all – I do in fact feel like Cyrano many days!
I have discovered my own nose and it stands so clear every time I look in the mirror these days. Every book I read, every session I have at shrink makes my nose bigger.
I write this with a smile and a tear. It is great that I see it, that I can work it, but I simply can’t stand looking at it

Sandi, I know what you wrote – I have been over your post over and over! I still have major problems in understanding putting the focus on her decision contra putting blame on her.
The solution right now is not to put focus on it since I will come out blaming. That’s also why I posted here before saying anything.
Another problem is this “You must move with the stitch.” I have done a terrible job at this – It seems like I simply don’t get when to take the next step and what the next step is.
That’s why I try to follow advice.

So don't tell me how you follow advice to the word, when I have told you this more than once.

I agree that you have told me many times – but seeing when to follow, when to open up, when to pursue a little is the hard part. I don’t get it!

But I told you back some time ago to not decline almost everything during December, unless things were not good between you.

I agree and I have followed. She invited herself here on the 23, church at 26 and birthday. I have declined her birthday as the only thing in December.

However, can you just try to lay it down for a few days b/c I think you are becoming too rigid for Christmastime.

Done!

I am saying to take a little chance but don't push it and go hog wild.

No hogs If I figure out something to do – I will do it!

You men tend to think in a "all or nothing" mentality but it doesn't work when you are DBing.

That’s me to the point!

You have got to trust yourself more!! Your W fell in love with you once; why can't she again? Remember your good times, relax and just allow yourself to enjoy her company. There is a lot of room there before you get to "eating her arm off" status.

I used to have the confidence of the Lion-king but it vanished – not at BD, but before! I am working it and it is getting better and better but it sure is hard when W is around. I think what both of you are telling me is do not eat her arm but try taking a tiny bite of her little finger

Thanks both!
I appreciate this so much! Sandi; I am sorry if I make you feel like you are repeating yourself endlessly.

F

[melissag]

Another problem is this “You must move with the stitch.” I have done a terrible job at this – It seems like I simply don’t get when to take the next step and what the next step is.

OK, F. You know this is bad when it's coming from me, the world's worst overanalyzer. You are thinking waaayyyyyy too much.

I know, it happens. I do it, too. And then I take a step back, and I look at it objectively. I pretend that it is someone else asking the question, and me giving the advice. And then the answer is so simple.

Stop overthinking every step. Remember that one interaction is not going to make or break things. When in doubt, just be quiet. That can never hurt you. (As long as you smile.)

Each time you are going to act or speak, think about this: "is this going to further my goal of R with my W?" That should help to guide you. If you were to think about whether your proposed statement (regarding the birthday party) would further that goal, what would you say? How would that help? Remember, don't speak or act to get your W to think, do or say anything. You can't control her anyway. Speak and act from the heart, and you will be fine. (Just don't eat her arm off.)

This is what test and check is all about. You will know when and which way to move with your sitch if you test and check. So test - let's say you give her a compliment. If she responds neutrally or negatively, there you go. Don't do that again for a while. If she responds positively, make a mental note. Maybe you can do that again sometime. Watch your W for cues, and follow her cues. If she comes toward you, go toward her, but only the same amount she comes toward you. Same with backing off. It's really kind of like when you first start dating someone. Just relax and go with the flow.

Oh, and what can you do to improve your confidence level? You need this for you, and to have any shot at R. Do you work out? I find that exercise is GREAT for confidence. Why is it so low when you are around W? She is just a person, after all. Just as imperfect as you. Are you putting her on a pedestal still?

[Fartiltre]

Just received a text from W:
Hey you. All drop offs at school and kindergarten has been great this week ;-). I have the bag ready this afternoon. On the 23 I would like to come around midday if that’s all right. I have to go to mom before it gets to late. The 25. sounds very very nice, but we will not be back before late afternoon, so I will have to save this to another day. On the 26 SIL will be here as well. Will it be all right if all three of us comes out before the church….?
Ds are looking forward – have a nice day

2 min later
PS they didn’t have a bath yesterday so they might need a quick shower :-)

I had build up expectations! Cr@p!

I answered:
Everythings sounds just fine. I will pick up the bag around 1445. Enjoy the day :-)

I changed my coverpicture on FB yesterday to a picture of the children. Same picture as I put in the Christmas Cards. I got a like from W on this.
FB is great for me these days! I am building up new “friends”. Getting nice comment’s on my posts. Got a message from a distant relative yesterday. I sent her my Christmas card and got a nice thank you back.

Melissa,
Thanks for all your support!
Please do not take the below as me defending my actions or lack of same. It’s just me trying to explain them to you.

You are thinking waaayyyyyy too much.
I know, it happens.
Stop overthinking every step.

Yup! Done this all my life in all situations: Business, gardening, M, friends …. It all! It’s who I am and I think it would be easier to stop time. KaffeDiem once told me to be spontaneous and what do I do? Sat my self down and started thinking about what to do that could be spontaneous

When in doubt, just be quiet.

Can’t do that! I wouldn’t have said a word to W for half a year I have been so confused and so doubtful all the way through this.

"is this going to further my goal of R with my W?"

I have seen this sentence so many times but I still do not trust myself to judge this! I made so many wrong calls at first that I have to go with advice.

Oh, and what can you do to improve your confidence level? You need this for you, and to have any shot at R. Do you work out? I find that exercise is GREAT for confidence. Why is it so low when you are around W? She is just a person, after all. Just as imperfect as you. Are you putting her on a pedestal still?

I have taken a severe beating (Health-issues, bankruptcy, BD and more) this year and I think time will heal me! I try not to put W on a pedestal and sometimes I succeed. I have given her too much power towards my own happiness and I properly still am. I started running when all of this happened but due to hernia and surgery this summer I stopped. Right now I have a hard time finding the motivation and time all though I know it will make me feel good.
I work my confidence through shrink and GAL right now. I also work my business but so far I have had a hard time concentrating and focusing. I need my business to have success – both for income and confidence.
Writing this I realize that I might have an even bigger problem here than I thought!!!

I pretend that it is someone else asking the question, and me giving the advice.

I will try doing this! That just might work!

Thanks Melissa!
F

[sandi2]

I am an analyzer, also. I think I'm perceptive (ha) But some call it mind reading.

So, I understand the tendency to analyze, but in your case, I feel that sometimes you ask me difficult things to explain b/c it would be like me trying to teach you all about women, and it can't be done. (ha) There have been a few times that I'd like to tell you to just trust me without you thoroughly understanding it all. However, I don't blame anyone for wanting to understand it if it's possible. There's just a few things when dealing with a woman that you will never ever understand.... and if you start to think you do, she'll change it up. Add that with a WAW stitch and you can forget totally understanding it all.

[Fartiltre]

Just tugged in the Ds! So amazing great to see them!

I picked up bags at W today and for the first time since august I went in to her kitchen. She had the bag ready and went through some new clothes that she had bought for D6. We talked shortly about some daily stuff, what they have been doing and so on. I try to be more talkative and think I succeded.

She complained about not having enough clean underware for D6 and I told her (with a smile) to give me the dirty ones - I can handle a washing machine, so she went upstair, packed them and gave them to me.

She didn’t reach out for a hug when I arrived and neither when I left – so no hugging today!
I left after 5 min. to pick up Ds.

When I unpacked Ds stuff I found Ws e-cigarette in the bag and texted:

Me 19.19 I found an e-cigarette in the bag…just in case you are running around searching for it ;-)

W 19:21 I did :-) I have an extra but if you can drop it by it would be great :-) (Voiced nice and with a smile – hard to translate)

Ds and I watched a show about a hunter and a chef going to Scotland to hunt a stag in the highlands and then make dinner with it. I hunt, few weeks ago D6 and I cleaned a road killed stag in the barn here and made dinner of the heart. They made the heart in the show. W and I have been to the highlands in scotland three times - one of the times we hunted stags together. I believe that W has her hanging on the wall at her home, and a picture from this trip is cover on her FB.

Me: 21.02 I will. I have just watched [local TV-show] with D6. She went totally ballistic. Dad when can I come hunting. Dad they eat the heart like us. Dad they are doing what we did to the stag here…and many more like this. She is so cool :-)
Have a nice evening
F

W 21.03 Great. She will be a real nature girl. Lovely

I hope the above is:

I am saying to take a little chance but don't push it and go hog wild.

I think another low risk way to test and check is to send a funny text or email, maybe forwarding a link of a story that reminded you of her, or tell her something funny that happened, or whatever. Or even something about the kids that is funny?

I feel peculiar have done this….but that’s properly just the big nose in the mirror picking in my eye (I like this one, Melissa – that’s just me! ) First time I have done ANYTHING like this since august as well. I hope this is following the advice given, but as always I have my doubts. Her last answer was shorter than EXPECTED

Sandi,
I can’t even imagine the time you have spent guiding me the last months and I am so grateful for this!
From here on I promise you that if you just write “This is one of the things you will never get so just do it” – then I will

[Wonka]

Sandi,
I can’t even imagine the time you have spent guiding me the last months and I am so grateful for this! From here on I promise you that if you just write “This is one of the things you will never get so just do it” – then I will

Ahh..you men are so simple and uncomplicated! Yes, you will!

[Fartiltre]

Today has without a single doubt been the best day I have had at work since BD. I have been so productive, focused and with a high PMA. I feel so good about it!

I went by W after setting off the Ds and gave her the e-cig and a letter that was in my mailbox. She seemed very short at words. In fact I just handed her the items, she thanked and then I left. She seems to be a little withdrawing but that is water on a duck these days.
I am feeling good!

Great evening with the Ds.

Tomorrow will be extremely busy with preparations for the holiday and shutting down the office for two full weeks.
I am starting to look forward to Christmas (can’t believe I am even writing this!) and I do hope this up will stay until after Christmas.

I got a few thanks for the Christmas cards today. My hunting buddy told me that it was so nice that even in times like this I found the surplus to do this. (It’s a rather big job – takes a day or so) I told him about my soul-searching and not wanting to hurt W and he just said “Well, it was so pleasant worded and nobody was blamed even once so if she is hurt that must be her problem”.


Wonka,

Ahh..you men are so simple and uncomplicated!

Yes, isn’t exactly that; just nice! So simple, easy, uncomplicated…..