The trick is to allow W do most of the contacts and initiating the convos. Be aloof yet available like a friendly co-worker. They're overwhelmed and very confused with a good mixture of anger. So keeping things simple and superficial help a long way. It takes time for the WAS' perception, feelings, and thoughts to slowly shift. Consistent actions and permanent 180s are the key in drawing back the WAS.
F- I haven't read every post on your thread so apologies if I was suggesting something that conflicts with other advice.
It has been a long journey and some long threads so don’t even go there!
I read most of your post and I like your views – this also goes for your post here. I don’t even think the advice you have given and the advice received earlier conflicts that much. What I do think is that I am a lousy ballplayer when it comes to many aspects of DBing and one of these aspects is wording sentences like this.
Originally Posted By: AS
I was trying to read the message from your W's perspective and I feel like she would perceive it as you blaming her.
I agree with you! To me it also sounds blaming and W just might comprehend it that way. This is the exact reason for me posting it – I would like advice and help on this, and I got it.
I am still confused about what to say but that’s due to me and not your or others advice. So please…do not apologize!!! The help I have received from you and many others on this forum has saved me from F…ing up my own and my children’s life. Thanks!
Wonka, Thanks for chiming in again – how is that crush on me these days
Please explain this one “F4MW” – what does that mean?
Originally Posted By: Wonka
The trick is to allow W do most of the contacts and initiating the convos.
I am doing this and have been since late august. She is contacting me a lot and when I compare to other sits in here A LOT, but IMHO she is only doing this to get cake. She want’s family time and she has planned on this since BD. I am not mindreading – she stated this. She want’s Christmas, new year, weekly dinners…all of it and she went rather angry when I turned her down. I still don’t think she wants me – only some of my time. I hope this change and since I am only 9 months in and still have the patience.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Consistent actions and permanent 180s are the key in drawing back the WAS.
I know this as well – I have been told many times in here! I am trying to be as consistent as possible but in some areas I find it hard since I am changing. I have read a lot, been in here countless hours, had DB-coaching, I started seeing a shrink 6 months ago….I am changing and that kills consistent in some areas. I am confused about myself and I transfer this to others. If W came tomorrow and asked for R – I honestly wouldn’t know what to reply. I do not feel ready. I want her back but I want myself back first. Bla bla – hopes it makes sense!
Thanks both! Your words, opinions and guidance are as always much appreciated!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Just hung up with S10 who told me that he and XW1 has been visiting W this evening! While I believe this to be good for the children it also seems like W is getting her cake elsewhere! I don't know how I feel about this in regards of the future with or without R but it seems like I will just have to come to terms with the fact that the two of them are tuning in.
What a mess all of this is for friends, family and so on. Her family is backing her up as they should but everybody else is still close with both of us.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
F is just trying to butter me up.