For the sake of interpretation (so I will understand what you meaning), when you say you don't "feel" like doing something (whatever the case might be)......how do you mean it?
For example, several times you have used that expression in regards to returning a call to your W, etc. Sometimes you have said it about not accepting an invitation from her. When you say you don't "feel" like going to her birthday party, what do you mean? Are you saying you think you may experience being uncomfortable? Or is it something else?
I just wanted to make sure I understand well.
About Christmas and W not have the kids for second year.......has something changed from the original plans for them to be with you? I thought I had read your post every day, but I may have missed something. Things have been kind of crazy for me the past three months.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In the case of her birthday it means I think I won’t feel comfortable and at ease there. I don’t trust myself to be able to act-as-if there in a manner that won’t easily be seen through.
I am now somewhat comfortable having her and the children over, talking on the phone and so – two months ago I wasn’t. If I am to meet up with W and perhaps MIL, SIL and others I would like for more time to pass.
At the same time I think this is a day she should experience without me! I have always done a lot for her on this day since nobody can normally attend. I have made flags, homemade buns and all of that – this year I won’t.
Its mainly that I don’t feel like it and at the same time I think it won’t hurt my sit – but honestly I don’t know.
No changes in Christmas plans. Kids are with me this year and Ws next year. XW1 invited herself and W to come here but I declined. W has invited herself to come by on 23 and XW1 as well. I have told XW1 that she can come by on 22 and think I will have W over on 23.
I am sorry to read that things have been crazy – I hope the holiday will bring some peace and relaxation to you!
Thanks!
F P.S. Just read your post on Crimsons – fantastic post and an eye-opener!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I have been caring for my ill mother. Holding down a job while tending to two households is not easy these days. Not complaining b/c I am so thankful to still have my mom!
I agree with your decisions on the invitations for the holidays. If you do not feel comfortable about attending W's birthday party, then don't go. Since you have accepted the other invitations she has presented, I think it would be fine to graciously decline the BD party. Frankly, at this point in the stitch, if she should be so bold as to ask why you won't attend....I believe you should tell her that it could be sending mixed messages about the two of you being a couple if you were to show up at her party.
If she wants to comment on your statement, then she has the opportunity. Think about what you may say, in case she does. She may turn it around and ask you how you would feel if they (the guests) wondered if you were getting back together. IDK. But remember, any time you aren't sure what to say, just tell her you would need to think about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry to hear about your mother. I hope she will have a fast recovery and be back on her feet for Christmas. I can imagine that you are having a crazy time so I thank you deeply for still taking your time looking in on me.
I will accept that she comes here on 23. and I will make it as Christmas-like and cozy as possible. I will tell her this next time she calls. I will not attend her birthday, but right now I feel like asking her to come here before church (on her birthday) and then go to church and neighbors together. I might change my mind on this one so I will hold answering this for some days.
Originally Posted By: Sandi
I believe you should tell her that it could be sending mixed messages about the two of you being a couple if you were to show up at her party.
I hope you will expand a little on this one. I don’t see this myself – perhaps a little to the children. Are they who you are talking about when you mention mixed signals. Do you want me to say something like: W, You made the decision to brake us up and I don’t want to confuse the children or others about the two of us … me attending a little private birthday might just do exactly that …or something like that.
Originally Posted By: Sandi
She may turn it around and ask you how you would feel if they (the guests) wondered if you were getting back together. IDK.
I don’t know either, but I don’t think that will be her comment. I will prepare for it but I think she might come back with something wondering like “What do you mean?” and perhaps a little angry “We were supposed to be a family after this – we promised the children” but I am OK with that. I do not fear her or her reactions anymore. I will prepare!
Originally Posted By: Sandi
But remember, any time you aren't sure what to say, just tell her you would need to think about it.
Rule no. 1 in my life these days
Thanks a lot!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I am not sure if I would approach it with any detail. I would personally go with something more like this
Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
W, You made the decision to brake us up and I don’t want to confuse the children or others about the two of us … me attending a little private birthday might just do exactly that .....Thank you for the party invitation, but I will have to take a rain check this time
SP, Thanks for posting and advising! I understand why you write what you do and I will take it into consideration. Wonka, Yup, I believe you have on major secret crush on me – but it is a little to soon for the kissing Lets start with cake and amaretto!
The reason for my suggestion is that I have been advised to aim focus on her decision to D. Futhermore I will only explain if she asks directly. So I will properly go with the raincheck/KISS at first but if she asks I will clarify. I will have to think some about this, so once again time is my friend!
Thanks both!
I had a session at shrink today – good session! She told me that I am backsliding in regards of me. That I am falling back and putting focus back on W and she is right – funny thing is that she only tells me what I already know, but it is nice to have a person to talk with and she is good at sparring. We talked about what worked a month ago and what have changed – we agreed on Ws many contacts, me getting hope up and me opening up a little could be the causes. Her advice was to back of a little, but that will be hard since W is doing most the contacts. At the same time this is opposite to the advice in here – it is a narrow path What a big surprice
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
W, You made the decision to brake us up and I don’t want to confuse the children or others about the two of us … me attending a little private birthday might just do exactly that
Let's go back to your very first post:
Quote:
But it all started when our first daughter was born. I didn’t pay enough attention to neither child nor mom – I worked. I was always busy with other things! I have been this way my whole life and now I have lost 3 girlfriends on that account. The first 2 was not that big a deal but this one I love, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I am fed up with myself and the whole situation. Through the hole period of troubled times we have been talking every 3-6 months about what is wrong but it has only been talking – I haven’t made the changes that I should have. My girlfriend has felt left alone and her dream about a core family has been wrecked! My fault!
Clearly in that first post you were owning your faults in the R, but now it appears that you want to shift the blame to your W. Do you think that's fair to her?
Back in late august when I started LRT I had major problems with exactly this. Sandi and LTH advised me to put focus on Ws decision and I felt that was blaming her in doing so. I still have a hard time with this since I find it hard to word a sentence that put focus on her decision and doesn’t blame her at the same time. That’s why I posted the sentence – to get opinions or even better other suggestions.
The kinds ladies even posted several examples of sentences that I could use back in august and in fact I thought the sentence I wrote was ok since I took parts of examples from then and tried to combine these with Sandi2s advice from yesterday.
I do not blame W for making the decision! I understand why she did it! The quote you posted still goes – I did exactly that and feel responsible as being the reason for her decision.
Thanks! F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
F- I haven't read every post on your thread so apologies if I was suggesting something that conflicts with other advice. I was trying to read the message from your W's perspective and I feel like she would perceive it as you blaming her. It is true that she made the decision to break up the R, but no doubt she felt that it was a last-ditch effort to get out of what she perceived was a bad R. So in her eyes it's your fault. If you try to lay blame on her it's likely to backfire and make her think "he still doesn't get it". In my opinion the DB approach is not to lay blame or do anything to "wake them up", but rather just to become independent of them. That's why I liked SP's response, it would send a message to your W more like "F is a busy guy and doesn't have time to accept your invitation right now", which is a more DB response than what you posted.
